Thursday, September 3, 2009

Ego Mindsets: Fear and Desire

Right now I am aware of my desire for attention, affection, and acceptance.  More simply put -- I want to be wanted.  Isn't it silly that I feel so unwanted because the special person in my life didn't call me back last night after we talked earlier in the evening?  I am aware of the desire to be important to him, the deisre to be loved by him...which shows me that I still have a lot of work to do.

One thing I can be proud of is that I didn't get angry at him for not calling.  I think this is an indication that I'm learning to care about him for who he is and not for how he makes me feel or for what he can do for me.

I didn't always used to get angry when I felt hurt (which is what feeling unwanted amounts to -- feeling hurt) but over time I learned to use anger to defend myself.  (This is the ego mindset of fear -- "I perceive a threat in you so I am on the defensive").  It seems strange that I am now asking myself to break down that defense and to feel the hurt -- to sit with that hurt, understand where it comes from, comfort myself, and give myself compassion and attention.  I think when I started using anger to protect myself from emotional pain I probably wasn't capable of doing this.  I needed ego strength before I could fully experience my negative emotions.  That's what Buddhist philosophers mean when they say you must first have an ego before you can transcend the ego. 

I think I am ready to stop using anger to defend myself from my feelings.  I don't need it anymore...

1 comment:

  1. yes yes tell me about your mother.... heheheehe


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