A few weeks ago my husband and I had an argument. Things got kind of ugly and both of us ended up saying some not very nice things. After taking a few hours to regroup, we sat down to talk about what happened. I've mentioned before that my husband has a tendency to blame me when there's conflict in our relationship. In this particular instance, I'd clearly said and done some things that were hurtful. I was angry over what I felt were legitimate grievances but that didn't make my behavior okay. (Unfortunately, this was a conclusion I reached only in hindsight).
So when my husband sat down to talk things out the first thing I did was apologize. I admitted that my actions were inexcusable. My husband immediately agreed. He then proceeded to list a number of grievances he had with me. He concluded by asserting that anything he said or did that was upsetting to me was simply a natural reaction to having to deal with my bad behavior. He went on to say that if I would stop being so difficult to deal with then everything would be fine and we would get along perfectly.
I cannot completely capture how it feels to try to resolve a conflict with someone I love, to humble myself enough to admit I was wrong and to apologize for it, only to be told that I am the root of the problem. The most immediate emotion is anger. It feels like a slap in the face. I become defensive, like I have to justify myself or somehow prove my intentions are good. I feel frustrated. Sometimes I feel hopeless. "What's the point of trying to fix things?" I ask myself. "We never solve anything. He just ends up blaming me. Nothing changes." On several occasions I have ended the conversation at this point. I get pissed off and walk away. It doesn't solve anything but sometimes walking away seems like the only good option.
In this particular instance, however, walking away would have made things worse. So I told him it wasn't fair for him to place all the blame on me. "So you're saying that every argument is always both people's fault?" my husband asked.
I actually had to stop and think about this for a minute. In any given argument, are both parties at fault? Is this a rule that applies in all cases? Or are there arguments where one person is clearly to blame?
"Yes," I finally decided. "Because a disagreement doesn't have to turn into an argument," I explained. "And it always takes two people to argue. If one person refuses to engage then you can't have an argument," I added. I went on to qualify my statement. "I don't think both people are always equally to blame," I said. "There are times when one person clearly initiates an argument. The initiator would probably bear more responsibility in that case. But still, it takes two people to argue. If someone tries to start an argument and the other person won't take the bait then there's no argument. It's just one person acting like an asshole."
It is a tricky question though. I think most of us are inclinced to blame the other party when we get into any sort of conflict. This isn't always a bad thing. People are motivated to fight for something when they believe in the rightness of their cause.
It's different when the conflict is with someone you love. The best approach is probably just to agree to disagree, whenever possible. When this isn't possible compromise is the next best option. Of course this means that neither party gets everything they want and that both parties have to give something up. People are not always willing to do this.
I also think there is something to be said for acceptance. For example, I'm (begrudgingly) learning to accept that my husband is not going to actively participate in keeping our house neat and clean, no matter how often I ask him to help with these tasks. And he is (slowly) learning to accept that I become irritable when I'm stressed out and that unfortunately, I get stressed out pretty easily. Our tendency has been to get upset about these things again and again, to demand that the other change, and then to feel frustrated and disappointed when this doesn't happen. For me, it is extremely difficult to accept that my husband won't do something I think he should do. It makes me angry but not as much as it used to. I try to recognize the other ways he contributes to our lives. This is a work in progress.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Shame and depression
I mentioned before that I was recently tasked to lead a therapy group focused on sexual assault, trauma, and depression. I did some background research to prepare. One thing that stood out to me is how frequently shame was mentioned as a factor contributing to depression. I mentioned this during the first group session. It seemed to resonate strongly with the group members. As they shared their experiences I spontaneously found myself talking about the "power of shame." I hadn't intended to go this route but it felt right. It ended up being a very powerful discussion.
In the ensuing days my thoughts repeatedly turned to the concept of shame. It's not something I've ever spent a lot of time talking about with patients, although it does come up in sessions. There are, however, certain treatment approaches to which the concept of shame is integral. John Bradshaw (http://www.johnbradshaw.com/) is probably the shame guru, if there is such a thing. His book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You," is a New York Times best seller. In it, Bradshaw points to "toxic shame" as the underlying cause of compulsions, addiction, co-dependencies, and the drive to super-achieve or underachieve."
Shame and guilt are often used interchangeably, which can sometimes cause confusion. For my purposes, I've decided to distinguish guilt and shame as follows:
*Guilt is a bad feeling caused by the fact of having committed a specific offense.
*Shame focuses on the entire self. It is a painful feeling arising from the judgment of oneself as dishonorable, disgraceful, disgusting, etc.
Thus, guilt is concerned with something specific a person has done. The focus of shame is on the self as a whole.
Like most human emotions, shame can be healthy in small doses. Shame can compel us to eliminate bad behavior and motivate us to act in ways consistent with our values. Healthy shame fuels personal growth and so helps us to become better people.
Too much shame is emotionally and psychologically toxic. (Bradshaw talks extensively about this in his book). There is significant overlap between the consequences of toxic shame and the symptoms of major depression. Here are some of the ways toxic shame manifests itself:
*Causes you to feel exposed and vulnerable, creating a sense that "everyone knows" how disgusting you are. This leads to a desire to hide, withdrawal, or otherwise escape from public view.
*Generates negative judgments about the self, which is seens as inferior, flawed, damaged, disgusting, worthless, etc.
*Creates a tendency to blame yourself when something goes wrong.
*Leads to a sense that you have a very limited amount of power to control what happens in your life. This eventually leads to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
*Can create social anxiety due to fears that others will judge you as negatively as you judge yourself.
Essentially, chronic shame leads to self-loathing; self-loathing leads to depression. I have come to believe that chronic, pervasive shame inevitably leads to depression. After all, how could a person hate himself and not become depressed over time?
In the ensuing days my thoughts repeatedly turned to the concept of shame. It's not something I've ever spent a lot of time talking about with patients, although it does come up in sessions. There are, however, certain treatment approaches to which the concept of shame is integral. John Bradshaw (http://www.johnbradshaw.com/) is probably the shame guru, if there is such a thing. His book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You," is a New York Times best seller. In it, Bradshaw points to "toxic shame" as the underlying cause of compulsions, addiction, co-dependencies, and the drive to super-achieve or underachieve."
Shame and guilt are often used interchangeably, which can sometimes cause confusion. For my purposes, I've decided to distinguish guilt and shame as follows:
*Guilt is a bad feeling caused by the fact of having committed a specific offense.
*Shame focuses on the entire self. It is a painful feeling arising from the judgment of oneself as dishonorable, disgraceful, disgusting, etc.
Thus, guilt is concerned with something specific a person has done. The focus of shame is on the self as a whole.
Like most human emotions, shame can be healthy in small doses. Shame can compel us to eliminate bad behavior and motivate us to act in ways consistent with our values. Healthy shame fuels personal growth and so helps us to become better people.
Too much shame is emotionally and psychologically toxic. (Bradshaw talks extensively about this in his book). There is significant overlap between the consequences of toxic shame and the symptoms of major depression. Here are some of the ways toxic shame manifests itself:
*Causes you to feel exposed and vulnerable, creating a sense that "everyone knows" how disgusting you are. This leads to a desire to hide, withdrawal, or otherwise escape from public view.
*Generates negative judgments about the self, which is seens as inferior, flawed, damaged, disgusting, worthless, etc.
*Creates a tendency to blame yourself when something goes wrong.
*Leads to a sense that you have a very limited amount of power to control what happens in your life. This eventually leads to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
*Can create social anxiety due to fears that others will judge you as negatively as you judge yourself.
Essentially, chronic shame leads to self-loathing; self-loathing leads to depression. I have come to believe that chronic, pervasive shame inevitably leads to depression. After all, how could a person hate himself and not become depressed over time?
Monday, December 30, 2013
Back from vacation
Sorry I haven't posted anything for the past couple of weeks; I took some time off of work (and responsibility). I thought about posting on several occasions over the past two weeks but I couldn't seem to muster enough motivation. This was the longest consecutive period of time I've had off of work since the end of 2008. It was actually a bit disorienting. I found myself forgetting to do little things that I typically incorporate into my daily routine. Without the routine they simply slipped my mind. There was no damage done; I eventually got around to doing everything I needed to do. It just made me realize that work has become the structure for my life around which everything else is organized. Without work, I sleep in every day. The earliest I start to become productive is around 10:00 AM. If I have the option to be lazy - even if it's for five minutes - I almost always seize the opportunity. I waste hours and hours doing things with absolutely no productive value whatsoever. Because my regular sleep cycle is thrown off my body is confused; I feel lethargic when I need energy and have energy when it's time to go to bed.
I do a little better when I have things planned. If I know I have to be somewhere at a certain time I can structure my day around it. I know what I want to get done that day so I have to give myself enough time to do it before I have to be wherever it is I have obligated myself to be.
I initially felt a bit guilty about how little I accomplished during my two week vacation. Then I decided not to worry about it. It was, after all, a vacation. You're supposed to spend your time relaxing. While I can live with a little chaos for a couple of weeks I could not live my life this way. At first I thought it was about work. I thought to myself, "I can never quit working. I would be a complete mess!" Later I realized it isn't about work at all; it's about structure. I need structure in my life in order to thrive. Without it I become lazy, disorganized, and unproductive. I feel lost.
This isn't really a novel realization; I long ago embraced the comfort of a good routine. It's just that being without structure for a couple of weeks really reiterated this point for me. I sometimes wish I could be the kind of person who "goes with the flow." I'd love to be more fluid and flexible. I know I'm too rigid - I'm just not sure how to be another way.
I do a little better when I have things planned. If I know I have to be somewhere at a certain time I can structure my day around it. I know what I want to get done that day so I have to give myself enough time to do it before I have to be wherever it is I have obligated myself to be.
I initially felt a bit guilty about how little I accomplished during my two week vacation. Then I decided not to worry about it. It was, after all, a vacation. You're supposed to spend your time relaxing. While I can live with a little chaos for a couple of weeks I could not live my life this way. At first I thought it was about work. I thought to myself, "I can never quit working. I would be a complete mess!" Later I realized it isn't about work at all; it's about structure. I need structure in my life in order to thrive. Without it I become lazy, disorganized, and unproductive. I feel lost.
This isn't really a novel realization; I long ago embraced the comfort of a good routine. It's just that being without structure for a couple of weeks really reiterated this point for me. I sometimes wish I could be the kind of person who "goes with the flow." I'd love to be more fluid and flexible. I know I'm too rigid - I'm just not sure how to be another way.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
"Baby Bust"
In case you haven't heard, the United States is currently in the midst of a "Baby Bust." The birth rate in America has been declining for more than a decade. According to Stewart Friedman, author of "Baby Bust: New Choices for Men and Women in Work and Family," the national birth rate in 2011 fell below "replacement" level. This means Americans are not reproducing fast enough to maintain our current population level.
People are concerned about this trend. There are, of course, existential worries about the survival of our species. However, with 6 billion people on our planet homo sapiens are probably in little danger of extinction, at least for the foreseeable future.
Dr. Stuart Bramhall (open.salon.com/blog/stuartbramhall) thinks interest in the so called "Baby Bust" is driven by something nearer and dearer to our hearts: money. Capitalism, he explains, relies on growth. Success in a capitalist society requires perpetual economic growth. Economic growth is fueled by population growth. If the population stops growing so does the economy.
While Dr. Bramhall makes an interesting argument, I'm not convinced there's a vast capitalist conspiracy to keep American women having babies. If that were the case, both the private and public sector would adopt policies and practices that make it easier for people to work while raising a family. Instead, we have extremely expensive child care, schools that let out at 2 or 3 PM - in the middle of a typical nine to five workday - forcing parents to figure out what to do with their children for the two or three hourse after school lets out, and outrageously expensive health care (which is costly at the individual level and becomes financially burdensome at the family level). Paid maternity or paternity leave is practically unheard of. For these reasons and others it has become increasingly difficult to balance the demands of career and family. If people think it impossible to have children and a successful career they feel forced to choose only one of these options. Many choose career over children. So while capitalism may need perpetual growth to sustain itself - as Dr. Bramhall points out - concern about population decline is not yet pressing enough to be a priority.
And then there are those who simply don't want to have children. This was unthinkable in past generations. Not having children wasn't an option. Today, people are far less constrained by cultural norms and societal prescriptions. Having children is no longer a prerequisite for leading a meaningful and fulfilling life.
By far the most interesting thing I read about the "Baby Bust" is an article by Joel Kotkin entitled "Why the Choice to be Childless is Bad for America" (http://www.newsweek.com/why-choice-be-childless-bad-america-63335). The "Baby Bust," Kotkin asserts, will have unintended consequences. First, the population as a whole ages. This is already happening as the baby boomers grow older and begin to retire. According to Kotkin, retirees already receive $3 in government spending for every $1 spent on children under 18. This trend will increase as our aging population retires, placing an increasing burden on younger workers (and ironically making them more likely to opt out of parenthood for economic reasons).
Beyond the economic impact, the Baby Bust could also have significant political implications. Evangelical Christians, mormons, and similar conservative religious groups have much higher birthrates than other segments of the population. If these children adopt their parents' politics the country as a whole will become drastically more conservative. Whether or not this is a good thing depends on who you ask.
My husband and I have been considering having a child. At one point, we'd decided to start trying in January with the hope of bringing a child into the world by the end of 2014 or the beginning of 2015. My husband is extremely concerned about the financial impact of expanding our family. This explains why I've taken an interest in why people choose to have or not to have children. Just thought I'd share what's been on my mind lately...
People are concerned about this trend. There are, of course, existential worries about the survival of our species. However, with 6 billion people on our planet homo sapiens are probably in little danger of extinction, at least for the foreseeable future.
Dr. Stuart Bramhall (open.salon.com/blog/stuartbramhall) thinks interest in the so called "Baby Bust" is driven by something nearer and dearer to our hearts: money. Capitalism, he explains, relies on growth. Success in a capitalist society requires perpetual economic growth. Economic growth is fueled by population growth. If the population stops growing so does the economy.
While Dr. Bramhall makes an interesting argument, I'm not convinced there's a vast capitalist conspiracy to keep American women having babies. If that were the case, both the private and public sector would adopt policies and practices that make it easier for people to work while raising a family. Instead, we have extremely expensive child care, schools that let out at 2 or 3 PM - in the middle of a typical nine to five workday - forcing parents to figure out what to do with their children for the two or three hourse after school lets out, and outrageously expensive health care (which is costly at the individual level and becomes financially burdensome at the family level). Paid maternity or paternity leave is practically unheard of. For these reasons and others it has become increasingly difficult to balance the demands of career and family. If people think it impossible to have children and a successful career they feel forced to choose only one of these options. Many choose career over children. So while capitalism may need perpetual growth to sustain itself - as Dr. Bramhall points out - concern about population decline is not yet pressing enough to be a priority.
And then there are those who simply don't want to have children. This was unthinkable in past generations. Not having children wasn't an option. Today, people are far less constrained by cultural norms and societal prescriptions. Having children is no longer a prerequisite for leading a meaningful and fulfilling life.
By far the most interesting thing I read about the "Baby Bust" is an article by Joel Kotkin entitled "Why the Choice to be Childless is Bad for America" (http://www.newsweek.com/why-choice-be-childless-bad-america-63335). The "Baby Bust," Kotkin asserts, will have unintended consequences. First, the population as a whole ages. This is already happening as the baby boomers grow older and begin to retire. According to Kotkin, retirees already receive $3 in government spending for every $1 spent on children under 18. This trend will increase as our aging population retires, placing an increasing burden on younger workers (and ironically making them more likely to opt out of parenthood for economic reasons).
Beyond the economic impact, the Baby Bust could also have significant political implications. Evangelical Christians, mormons, and similar conservative religious groups have much higher birthrates than other segments of the population. If these children adopt their parents' politics the country as a whole will become drastically more conservative. Whether or not this is a good thing depends on who you ask.
My husband and I have been considering having a child. At one point, we'd decided to start trying in January with the hope of bringing a child into the world by the end of 2014 or the beginning of 2015. My husband is extremely concerned about the financial impact of expanding our family. This explains why I've taken an interest in why people choose to have or not to have children. Just thought I'd share what's been on my mind lately...
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Group therapy
The clinic I work in recently started a new two week therapy group for women who have had any kind of unwanted sexual experience. Our medical director has talked about doing this for a while so I knew it was coming. I was under the impression that we would start offering the group in January. I was assigned two groups a few months back. I was given discussion topics and encouraged to start thinking about content. Apparently my boss decided at some point that the first two week session would begin December 2nd. I somehow missed the memo. (I appear to be the only one in the clinic who had no idea this was happening. Logic suggests that we were all informed and I just wasn't paying attention). Anyway, I had no idea until I got an email last week confirming the December 2nd start date. I had given exactly zero thought as to the content of my assigned groups. I printed out a few articles the day before Thanksgiving with the intention of coming up with something during the holiday. Unfortunately, I went out of town and left the articles at home.
I spent a decent amount of time Monday coming up with a format for my group discussion. Still, I was less than confident Tuesday morning when I introduced myself to the group members. I was pleasantly surprised, then, when everything went smoothly. I gave myself a pat on the back (okay, maybe two pats on the back) for a job well done. It may be, however, that I just got lucky. Sometimes you get a really good group of people who are extremely motivated and invested. Everyone participates and members give each other feedback. That makes my job easy. I just throw out an idea, step back, and let the group do its own thing.
Tuesday's group was a good group. Everybody contributed something and everyone was engaged. So it could have been luck. I guess time will tell...
I spent a decent amount of time Monday coming up with a format for my group discussion. Still, I was less than confident Tuesday morning when I introduced myself to the group members. I was pleasantly surprised, then, when everything went smoothly. I gave myself a pat on the back (okay, maybe two pats on the back) for a job well done. It may be, however, that I just got lucky. Sometimes you get a really good group of people who are extremely motivated and invested. Everyone participates and members give each other feedback. That makes my job easy. I just throw out an idea, step back, and let the group do its own thing.
Tuesday's group was a good group. Everybody contributed something and everyone was engaged. So it could have been luck. I guess time will tell...
Monday, December 2, 2013
Feeling down
I usually start working on a new blog post at the beginning of the week. This past Monday, though, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I tried to start writing but I drew a blank. I couldn't muster the motivation nor the focus to get started. It was like this all day. I lacked my usual easy way with my patients. I had trouble making myself smile. I usually laugh and joke but my sense of humor deserted me. My voice was flat. I could hear it but I couldn't change it. It was strange.
Everyone has bad days so I didn't think much of it. But Tuesday came and I felt the same. And Wednesday too. I've started to get nervous. I know this feeling. I'm surprised at how quickly I recognized it because it has been a while since I've felt it. The giveaway for me is the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It weighs me down. Something is wrong inside but it doesn't make sense because nothing is wrong outside. Everything is fine.
But that's what depression is, if I remember correctly. I work with depressed people all the time so I know what it looks like. But it's been a long time since I've felt that way myself. I guess seeing it and experiencing it yourself are different.
It hasn't settled in - the depression I mean - and it won't if I can help it. It may just be that it's a certain time of month and all my hormones are conspiring against me. In that case, I'll be myself again by Monday. Let's hope for the best!
Everyone has bad days so I didn't think much of it. But Tuesday came and I felt the same. And Wednesday too. I've started to get nervous. I know this feeling. I'm surprised at how quickly I recognized it because it has been a while since I've felt it. The giveaway for me is the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It weighs me down. Something is wrong inside but it doesn't make sense because nothing is wrong outside. Everything is fine.
But that's what depression is, if I remember correctly. I work with depressed people all the time so I know what it looks like. But it's been a long time since I've felt that way myself. I guess seeing it and experiencing it yourself are different.
It hasn't settled in - the depression I mean - and it won't if I can help it. It may just be that it's a certain time of month and all my hormones are conspiring against me. In that case, I'll be myself again by Monday. Let's hope for the best!
Thursday, November 21, 2013
How to cope when you get blamed for everything
How do you cope when your partner blames you for just about every problem that exists in your relationship? This is something I've struggled with in my marriage, although my husband and I have made a lot of improvements in the way we interact. I will start with an admission: I probably sometimes feel like my husband blames me for "everything" even when he doesn't. I have become sensitive to him blaming me. That means I am more likely to notice when he blames me for something and unlikely to notice the times he doesn't blame me or when he accepts responsibility himself. Because I'm sensitive to him blaming me I almost immediately become defensive when it happens. This has the unfortunate effect of making it harder for me to recognize when I am truly at fault. This is, of course, something that only becomes apparent to me in hindsight; I rarely recognize it when my husband and I are in the middle of a heated disagreement.
So I admit there are things I need to work on. This doesn't obscure the fact that my husband has a very real habit of blaming me when problems arise in our marriage. This makes it extremely difficult to resolve conflict in any meaningful or lasting way. We therefore find oursleves confronted with the same problems again and again and we continue to respond to them in the same problematic manner.
Is there a right way to cope with this? It's exceedingly frustrating. It has at times made me feel hopeless about the possibility of ever solving problems in my marriage. I will share how I've tried to deal with the situation in the hope that someone else with a similar problem might find it helpful. I would also appreciate any suggestions or feedback for how to improve.
It does not take long before constant blame begins to erode self confidence. This is something I've been determined to prevent. It took years for me to learn to love myself. My self confidence was hard won; I will never allow anyone to take it away. I protect my self esteem by refusing to accept blame for anything that isn't truly my fault. I quite literally say to my husband, "I refuse to accept blame for this. It isn't my fault." The flip side is that I have to work really hard to accept responsibility when I am at fault, to apologize when I behave unkindly, and to admit when I've done something wrong (oh how I hate admitting I'm wrong). I inevitably screw this up, at least initially. Fortunately, I've discovered I can get more than one try. If I behave terribly during an argument (I do this a lot more than I care to admit) I can go back an hour, two hours, or even a day later and say I'm sorry.
Which brings me to my next point. I have no objection to going to bed angry. Arguing is only productive if it leads to resolving the conflict. If an argument is going in circles, if it turns into a blame game, or if it simply becomes obvious that the problem is too complex to solve in one night then walk away. Going to bed angry is better than fighting all night yet accomplishing nothing. Get some rest. You may still be angry in the morning but probably less angry than you were before.
The purpose of an argument, disagreement, or other conflict is as follows: clearly identify the problem (or the problem caused by a particular behavior, comment, etc.); accept responsibility and/or apologize as appropriate; solve the problem or resolve the conflict (this can sometimes take the form of identifying what can be done differently in the future to prevent the same thing from happening again). When it seems like my husband is stuck on blaming me I point out that blaming each other damages our relationship and does nothing to fix the problem. The first time I pointed this out my husband's response was to continue blaming me. A day or two later we had a serious talk. I pointed out to my husband that when conflicts arise in our marriage we have no effective way to resolve them. We argue and point fingers but we never accomplish anything. When we found ourselves arguing about the same issue a few weeks later I pointed out that this was the same argument we'd had a few weeks earlier but had been unable to resolve. And when the same problem inevitably came up again a few weeks after that I pointed it out again. And again. And again. Over and over again I told my husband how concerned I was about our marriage. When he tried to blame me I lamented how focused he was on "winning" the argument or on being "right." "If one of us wins that means one of us loses," I told him. "If one of us loses the relationship loses. I don't want to lose our marriage."
I've also told my husband it really bothers me when I try to discuss a problem or concern and his immediate response is to say it's my fault. Every time he does this I point it out. "Stop blaming me," I tell him. "I want us to talk about the problem." If he continues to blame me I get up and leave the room. That's my version of how it goes. His version goes like this: "You get to say everything you want to say. Then when I try to say something you won't listen. You want to complain about me but then I can't complain about you." It's true that I don't like to be criticized. It's true that I sometimes walk away when he's saying things about me I don't like to hear. Usually I take some time, think about it, and come back to talk about it later. So he has a point. My problem, however, is when I bring up something he's done that bothers me and he responds with a litany of things I do that bother him. "If you have a concern you are free to bring it up later," I say. "Right now, I want to talk about [the initial problem]."
So that is where we are. Things have gotten better. We're both starting to realize there are things about one another we are going to have to learn to accept. For me, I am very slowly learning that it is sometimes better to go along with certain situations I don't like simply because it makes my husband happy. I am trying to decide which of these situations I am willing to go along with. There are some things I am unwilling to abide. I am still figuring out where to draw the line. It is hard to know when to put my foot down and when to give in. The fact that my husband and I are both very strong willed makes it more difficult. Neither of us are inclined to back down from something we believe in. We are both bull-headed and hell bent on doing things our own way. We both have a fierce desire to be right. We both have difficulty admitting we're wrong.
To a certain degree I suppose this is what marriage is about: two people finding a way to live together peacefully in a way that makes them both happy.
So I admit there are things I need to work on. This doesn't obscure the fact that my husband has a very real habit of blaming me when problems arise in our marriage. This makes it extremely difficult to resolve conflict in any meaningful or lasting way. We therefore find oursleves confronted with the same problems again and again and we continue to respond to them in the same problematic manner.
Is there a right way to cope with this? It's exceedingly frustrating. It has at times made me feel hopeless about the possibility of ever solving problems in my marriage. I will share how I've tried to deal with the situation in the hope that someone else with a similar problem might find it helpful. I would also appreciate any suggestions or feedback for how to improve.
It does not take long before constant blame begins to erode self confidence. This is something I've been determined to prevent. It took years for me to learn to love myself. My self confidence was hard won; I will never allow anyone to take it away. I protect my self esteem by refusing to accept blame for anything that isn't truly my fault. I quite literally say to my husband, "I refuse to accept blame for this. It isn't my fault." The flip side is that I have to work really hard to accept responsibility when I am at fault, to apologize when I behave unkindly, and to admit when I've done something wrong (oh how I hate admitting I'm wrong). I inevitably screw this up, at least initially. Fortunately, I've discovered I can get more than one try. If I behave terribly during an argument (I do this a lot more than I care to admit) I can go back an hour, two hours, or even a day later and say I'm sorry.
Which brings me to my next point. I have no objection to going to bed angry. Arguing is only productive if it leads to resolving the conflict. If an argument is going in circles, if it turns into a blame game, or if it simply becomes obvious that the problem is too complex to solve in one night then walk away. Going to bed angry is better than fighting all night yet accomplishing nothing. Get some rest. You may still be angry in the morning but probably less angry than you were before.
The purpose of an argument, disagreement, or other conflict is as follows: clearly identify the problem (or the problem caused by a particular behavior, comment, etc.); accept responsibility and/or apologize as appropriate; solve the problem or resolve the conflict (this can sometimes take the form of identifying what can be done differently in the future to prevent the same thing from happening again). When it seems like my husband is stuck on blaming me I point out that blaming each other damages our relationship and does nothing to fix the problem. The first time I pointed this out my husband's response was to continue blaming me. A day or two later we had a serious talk. I pointed out to my husband that when conflicts arise in our marriage we have no effective way to resolve them. We argue and point fingers but we never accomplish anything. When we found ourselves arguing about the same issue a few weeks later I pointed out that this was the same argument we'd had a few weeks earlier but had been unable to resolve. And when the same problem inevitably came up again a few weeks after that I pointed it out again. And again. And again. Over and over again I told my husband how concerned I was about our marriage. When he tried to blame me I lamented how focused he was on "winning" the argument or on being "right." "If one of us wins that means one of us loses," I told him. "If one of us loses the relationship loses. I don't want to lose our marriage."
I've also told my husband it really bothers me when I try to discuss a problem or concern and his immediate response is to say it's my fault. Every time he does this I point it out. "Stop blaming me," I tell him. "I want us to talk about the problem." If he continues to blame me I get up and leave the room. That's my version of how it goes. His version goes like this: "You get to say everything you want to say. Then when I try to say something you won't listen. You want to complain about me but then I can't complain about you." It's true that I don't like to be criticized. It's true that I sometimes walk away when he's saying things about me I don't like to hear. Usually I take some time, think about it, and come back to talk about it later. So he has a point. My problem, however, is when I bring up something he's done that bothers me and he responds with a litany of things I do that bother him. "If you have a concern you are free to bring it up later," I say. "Right now, I want to talk about [the initial problem]."
So that is where we are. Things have gotten better. We're both starting to realize there are things about one another we are going to have to learn to accept. For me, I am very slowly learning that it is sometimes better to go along with certain situations I don't like simply because it makes my husband happy. I am trying to decide which of these situations I am willing to go along with. There are some things I am unwilling to abide. I am still figuring out where to draw the line. It is hard to know when to put my foot down and when to give in. The fact that my husband and I are both very strong willed makes it more difficult. Neither of us are inclined to back down from something we believe in. We are both bull-headed and hell bent on doing things our own way. We both have a fierce desire to be right. We both have difficulty admitting we're wrong.
To a certain degree I suppose this is what marriage is about: two people finding a way to live together peacefully in a way that makes them both happy.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Listening well
I have been accused at times of not being a good listener. This is ironic because probably 50 to 60% of what I do for a living requires good listening. In college we called it active listening. Active listening is basically listening in such a way that the speaker feels heard, validated, and understood. This comes quite naturally to some people. These are often the people we feel comfortable going to for advice or for comfort. For other people, active listening is more difficult; it is a skill they have to develop with practice.
I probably fall into the latter category. Naturally, I'm not the best listener. I don't think I realized this when I decided to become a therapist. If I had, I might have chosen a different career path. Anyway, at some point early in my career I began to notice that listening was a struggle for me. Even now, after years of consciously honing my active listening skills, it still takes a significant amount of effort. I constantly have to remind myself to pay attention, to make eye contact, and to refrain from interrupting. I regularly forget to validate a person's perspective before suggesting another way to look at things. I frequently have to quiet the running commentary in my mind so that I can fully attend to what a patient is saying. All of this is in addition to reigning in my overwhelming impulse to blurt out every response the moment I think it. (Self censorship is another skill that doesn't come naturally to me. I've gotten a lot better at it over the years though).
Because listening demands so much of my focus and concentration it also requires a lot of energy. Talking to people all day may not seem like it would be exhausting but it really can be, at least for me. When my husband and I first got married he used to call me as soon as I got off of work. He always wanted to talk about some problem he wanted to solve or to ask my opinion about some decision he needed to make. It felt overwhelming to me and it led to a lot of stupid arguments. Eventually I had to ask him to stop calling me right after work. I simply didn't have the energy right then for the kind of conversations he wanted to have.
Fortunately my husband was willing to do this so it wasn't a big deal. What's been a bigger problem for me is that I never get re-invigorated after working all day. By the time my husband and I get home in the evening I just want to read or watch something online. Like most normal people, my husband wants to tell me about his day. This is perfectly reasonable and yet it is such a struggle for me to listen. This is especially true if he starts a conversation when I'm in the middle of looking at something else. My inclination is to keep doing what I'm doing. Normally, I'd set aside this inclination, stop what I'm doing, and have a conversation with my husband. When I'm tired, however, I don't have the energy to overcome my natural tendencies. It takes will power to overcome an urge and will power takes energy.
Does anyone else have this kind of problem? Do you have any suggestions for overcoming it?
I probably fall into the latter category. Naturally, I'm not the best listener. I don't think I realized this when I decided to become a therapist. If I had, I might have chosen a different career path. Anyway, at some point early in my career I began to notice that listening was a struggle for me. Even now, after years of consciously honing my active listening skills, it still takes a significant amount of effort. I constantly have to remind myself to pay attention, to make eye contact, and to refrain from interrupting. I regularly forget to validate a person's perspective before suggesting another way to look at things. I frequently have to quiet the running commentary in my mind so that I can fully attend to what a patient is saying. All of this is in addition to reigning in my overwhelming impulse to blurt out every response the moment I think it. (Self censorship is another skill that doesn't come naturally to me. I've gotten a lot better at it over the years though).
Because listening demands so much of my focus and concentration it also requires a lot of energy. Talking to people all day may not seem like it would be exhausting but it really can be, at least for me. When my husband and I first got married he used to call me as soon as I got off of work. He always wanted to talk about some problem he wanted to solve or to ask my opinion about some decision he needed to make. It felt overwhelming to me and it led to a lot of stupid arguments. Eventually I had to ask him to stop calling me right after work. I simply didn't have the energy right then for the kind of conversations he wanted to have.
Fortunately my husband was willing to do this so it wasn't a big deal. What's been a bigger problem for me is that I never get re-invigorated after working all day. By the time my husband and I get home in the evening I just want to read or watch something online. Like most normal people, my husband wants to tell me about his day. This is perfectly reasonable and yet it is such a struggle for me to listen. This is especially true if he starts a conversation when I'm in the middle of looking at something else. My inclination is to keep doing what I'm doing. Normally, I'd set aside this inclination, stop what I'm doing, and have a conversation with my husband. When I'm tired, however, I don't have the energy to overcome my natural tendencies. It takes will power to overcome an urge and will power takes energy.
Does anyone else have this kind of problem? Do you have any suggestions for overcoming it?
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Winter approaches...
They say it's going to be a cold winter this year. I became a bit worried over the summer when I realized it just didn't get as hot as it usually does. A mild summer usually means a cold winter. I suppose a cold winter is a given in some places. I, however, live in Virginia. When it comes to weather, the only thing that's a given in Virginia is that July and August will be hot and humid. Everything else is a toss up.
In the summer, I manage to forget the toll winter takes on me. I grow accustomed to feeling comfortably warm when I leave my house each morning. I don't have to plan my wardrobe around the official weather report; short sleeves and open toed shoes are good every day of the week. Yes, it gets hot outside - sometimes unbearably so - but I'm hardly ever forced to be outside against my will. If it gets too hot I simply go inside. It only takes a few minutes to cool down sitting in an air conditioned room. And I adore the long days. The sun begins to rise on my way to work and when I come home there are still hours of daylight remaining.
The first thing I notice as winter approaches is the days getting shorter. It's gradual at first. Then, Daylight Savings Time ends and suddenly the days aren't long enough. Tonight when I leave the gym it will be dark outside for the first time in a long time. That's when it seems official to me - summer is gone.
Usually the temperature change creeps up on you too. In Virginia, it is not unusual to have 70 and 75 degree days through the middle of November. We've even been known to have an occasional 80 degree day in December. This year has been different though. The colder temperatures raced in without warning, sweeping away the warm summer days in an instant. This is yet another sign that this winter will be a cold one.
What is it about winter that affects me so? At least I don't live somewhere like Norway or Alaska, where months pass without sunshine. First, it's the cold. My body betrays me when it's cold outside. My skin becomes red and irritated. Eventually, it starts to crack. My poor hands ends up bleeding several times a day by the time it starts to get warmer. I wear gloves when I go outside, but still my hands crack and bleed. They itch and they hurt. While I prefer warm weather to cold, I am no fan of being hot. I sweat a lot when the temperature rises. But cooling down when overheated is much easier than warming up when I get too cold. Some cold water on my face and a few minutes in front of the fan cools me down pretty effectively. Something about cold though...I've heard people say it gets into your bones. I don't know if that's true but it certainly feels like it. When I get cold, it takes forever to get warm again. I can spend ten minutes in a hot bath shivering before I start to feel even a little bit warm. I can bury myself beneath a mound of blankets - give me fifteen or twenty minutes and I'll start to warm up. (But then I have to stay under the blankets to stay warm). And in the car...I have a particular problem with that. I blast the heat to stop shivering. Unfortunately, the heat on my face (or even on my feet) is so pleasant I start to get drowsy. I turn the heat off until I start to get cold again; I turn it back on and I start to get drowsy. Off on, off on, warm cold, warm cold...I hate it.
So the cold is one thing. The other is darkness. I get excited after the winter solstice because the days start to get longer. By January, I start checking the Weather Channel website to see what time the sun sets. Each day it sets about a minute later than the day before. I eagerly anticipate the long, warm summer days.
I will challenge myself to find things to embrace about the winter months this year. It's better than sulking, anyway.
In the summer, I manage to forget the toll winter takes on me. I grow accustomed to feeling comfortably warm when I leave my house each morning. I don't have to plan my wardrobe around the official weather report; short sleeves and open toed shoes are good every day of the week. Yes, it gets hot outside - sometimes unbearably so - but I'm hardly ever forced to be outside against my will. If it gets too hot I simply go inside. It only takes a few minutes to cool down sitting in an air conditioned room. And I adore the long days. The sun begins to rise on my way to work and when I come home there are still hours of daylight remaining.
The first thing I notice as winter approaches is the days getting shorter. It's gradual at first. Then, Daylight Savings Time ends and suddenly the days aren't long enough. Tonight when I leave the gym it will be dark outside for the first time in a long time. That's when it seems official to me - summer is gone.
Usually the temperature change creeps up on you too. In Virginia, it is not unusual to have 70 and 75 degree days through the middle of November. We've even been known to have an occasional 80 degree day in December. This year has been different though. The colder temperatures raced in without warning, sweeping away the warm summer days in an instant. This is yet another sign that this winter will be a cold one.
What is it about winter that affects me so? At least I don't live somewhere like Norway or Alaska, where months pass without sunshine. First, it's the cold. My body betrays me when it's cold outside. My skin becomes red and irritated. Eventually, it starts to crack. My poor hands ends up bleeding several times a day by the time it starts to get warmer. I wear gloves when I go outside, but still my hands crack and bleed. They itch and they hurt. While I prefer warm weather to cold, I am no fan of being hot. I sweat a lot when the temperature rises. But cooling down when overheated is much easier than warming up when I get too cold. Some cold water on my face and a few minutes in front of the fan cools me down pretty effectively. Something about cold though...I've heard people say it gets into your bones. I don't know if that's true but it certainly feels like it. When I get cold, it takes forever to get warm again. I can spend ten minutes in a hot bath shivering before I start to feel even a little bit warm. I can bury myself beneath a mound of blankets - give me fifteen or twenty minutes and I'll start to warm up. (But then I have to stay under the blankets to stay warm). And in the car...I have a particular problem with that. I blast the heat to stop shivering. Unfortunately, the heat on my face (or even on my feet) is so pleasant I start to get drowsy. I turn the heat off until I start to get cold again; I turn it back on and I start to get drowsy. Off on, off on, warm cold, warm cold...I hate it.
So the cold is one thing. The other is darkness. I get excited after the winter solstice because the days start to get longer. By January, I start checking the Weather Channel website to see what time the sun sets. Each day it sets about a minute later than the day before. I eagerly anticipate the long, warm summer days.
I will challenge myself to find things to embrace about the winter months this year. It's better than sulking, anyway.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Work
Recently a close friend of mine mentioned that she'd started a new job and would only be working part time from now on. In some ways I felt bad. My friend and I met back in 2006. We both worked at the same place. It was my first job after college. My friend graduated a year before me so she had a little more work experience than I did at the time. In our profession, everyone has to "do their time" so to speak in a job that is less than desirable. We are required to have two years of formal supervision by a licensed professional before we can apply for a license to practice independently. Without the license, job opportunities are limited and income is low.
This was the situation both my friend and I were in when we met. Neither of us liked our jobs very much and we were both struggling financially. We'd expected the years immediately after graduation to be difficult but I don't think either of us expected it to be as bad as it was. But we got through it. Eventually she ended up moving back to her home town and completing her licensing requirements there.
After sharing an employer for a few years our occupational paths diverged. We both got licensed as independent practitioners and set out to find better jobs. I found a job with my currently employer doing outpatient psychotherapy. I've been at this job for five and a half years. The time has pased quickly. My friend wasn't able to find her "dream job" right away so she accepted a job she didn't like very much while she continued to search for better opportunities. Except they never came, despite her best efforts. She stayed where she was for about two years. At that point, things were so unpleasant for her that she was willing to work just about anywhere else just to get away. She took another job that was not really what she wanted but it was all that was available at the time. She worked there for another couple of years but became increasingly unhappy with it. In the meantime, she met a great guy and they got married. Now they are getting ready to start a family. With her husband's encouragement, my friend left her job and accepted a part time position with a different company.
As I said before, part of me felt bad for my friend. She's spent her whole career working at places she hates. I know how miserable it is to hate your job. Every morning is a struggle. Sunday nights are filled with dread of the upcoming work week. You want to quit but you can't; you have bills to pay. You feel trapped.
I also feel fortunate. I work at a place where I am valued by my supervisors and coworkers. The workload is managable. I set my own schedule (with guidelines, of course) and the work hours are managable. I don't ever have to be on call; when I leave work I leave work. I have my own little office I can escape to. My salary is set; I always know how much my paycheck will be. My job isn't perfect, but I've got a pretty good deal.
So why do I also feel envious of my friend? I felt kind of bad when my friend told me she was only working part time but I also felt jealous. "Man, I'd love to only work part time," I said to myself. I thought about all the things I could do with the extra hours I'd have every day. "Better still," I thought. "It would be nice not to have to work at all." I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever had this fantasy. The majority of us spend most of our lives working hard so we can retire and spend our golden years in leisure. So sure, we all dream about not having to work. I just wonder if everyone dreams about it as much as I do...
I got my first "real" job when I was sixteen. The rule was if I wanted to drive I had to pay for gas and for car insurance. That meant I had to get a job. When you have no experience and few marketable skills you basically take whatever job you can get. I took a job cleaning tables, sweeping floors, and washing dishes. I hated it. Immediately. I can still recall the dread that bore down on me before each shift. The days seemed endless. I didn't last very long there. Within two months I found another job and quit.
The new job was at a grocery store, ringing up groceries. This wasn't as bad as sweeping floors but I can't say that I liked it. I worked there for about a year and then got a job waiting tables. I'm clumsy and uncoordinated; I was not a very good waitress. I lasted about nine months and then found a job at a big department store. This was by far the best place I'd ever worked. Still, I dreaded going to work and worked as few hours as I could get away with.
Of course my job now is far better than anything I did before college. I never dread going to work. And yet, I never want to go to work. I spend all week counting the days until the weekend. Each month I check the calendar for holidays. I look forward to things like Columbus Day, Presidents' Day, and Veterans' Day for weeks in advance. I am always aware of the next day I have off. Is this normal?
I wonder why I feel this way about work. I sometimes think I must be lazy but I hate to think of myself that way. What do you think? What is your relationship to work? How do you feel about it?
This was the situation both my friend and I were in when we met. Neither of us liked our jobs very much and we were both struggling financially. We'd expected the years immediately after graduation to be difficult but I don't think either of us expected it to be as bad as it was. But we got through it. Eventually she ended up moving back to her home town and completing her licensing requirements there.
After sharing an employer for a few years our occupational paths diverged. We both got licensed as independent practitioners and set out to find better jobs. I found a job with my currently employer doing outpatient psychotherapy. I've been at this job for five and a half years. The time has pased quickly. My friend wasn't able to find her "dream job" right away so she accepted a job she didn't like very much while she continued to search for better opportunities. Except they never came, despite her best efforts. She stayed where she was for about two years. At that point, things were so unpleasant for her that she was willing to work just about anywhere else just to get away. She took another job that was not really what she wanted but it was all that was available at the time. She worked there for another couple of years but became increasingly unhappy with it. In the meantime, she met a great guy and they got married. Now they are getting ready to start a family. With her husband's encouragement, my friend left her job and accepted a part time position with a different company.
As I said before, part of me felt bad for my friend. She's spent her whole career working at places she hates. I know how miserable it is to hate your job. Every morning is a struggle. Sunday nights are filled with dread of the upcoming work week. You want to quit but you can't; you have bills to pay. You feel trapped.
I also feel fortunate. I work at a place where I am valued by my supervisors and coworkers. The workload is managable. I set my own schedule (with guidelines, of course) and the work hours are managable. I don't ever have to be on call; when I leave work I leave work. I have my own little office I can escape to. My salary is set; I always know how much my paycheck will be. My job isn't perfect, but I've got a pretty good deal.
So why do I also feel envious of my friend? I felt kind of bad when my friend told me she was only working part time but I also felt jealous. "Man, I'd love to only work part time," I said to myself. I thought about all the things I could do with the extra hours I'd have every day. "Better still," I thought. "It would be nice not to have to work at all." I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever had this fantasy. The majority of us spend most of our lives working hard so we can retire and spend our golden years in leisure. So sure, we all dream about not having to work. I just wonder if everyone dreams about it as much as I do...
I got my first "real" job when I was sixteen. The rule was if I wanted to drive I had to pay for gas and for car insurance. That meant I had to get a job. When you have no experience and few marketable skills you basically take whatever job you can get. I took a job cleaning tables, sweeping floors, and washing dishes. I hated it. Immediately. I can still recall the dread that bore down on me before each shift. The days seemed endless. I didn't last very long there. Within two months I found another job and quit.
The new job was at a grocery store, ringing up groceries. This wasn't as bad as sweeping floors but I can't say that I liked it. I worked there for about a year and then got a job waiting tables. I'm clumsy and uncoordinated; I was not a very good waitress. I lasted about nine months and then found a job at a big department store. This was by far the best place I'd ever worked. Still, I dreaded going to work and worked as few hours as I could get away with.
Of course my job now is far better than anything I did before college. I never dread going to work. And yet, I never want to go to work. I spend all week counting the days until the weekend. Each month I check the calendar for holidays. I look forward to things like Columbus Day, Presidents' Day, and Veterans' Day for weeks in advance. I am always aware of the next day I have off. Is this normal?
I wonder why I feel this way about work. I sometimes think I must be lazy but I hate to think of myself that way. What do you think? What is your relationship to work? How do you feel about it?
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