Over the past couple of months I've expressed frustration about how conflict is handled in my marriage. Specifically, I've said I feel like I automatically get blamed when something goes wrong. I started doing some research because I wanted advice on how to deal with this effectively. I wanted my husband and I to learn to resolve conflict constructively.
Unfortunately, I didn't find the kind of advice I was looking for. While a lot of research has been done on conflict there was very little about how to respond to being verbally attacked and blamed. I did, however, discover a few helpful tips: Avoid responding to negative emotion with negative emotion; this only escalates the conflict. Express empathy (e.g., "I can see you are feeling hurt and angry"). And above all, try to remain calm.
This is good advice but it seems to be asking a lot. It is very difficult to remain calm when someone you love criticizes your very character and blames you for problems you didn't cause. When attacked, most people automatically become defensive. We quite naturally want to protect ourselves. A range of emotions are triggered, from fear to sadness to anger. In the face of this emotional torrent, rational thought and clear reasoning are severely compromised.
Not that I'm a complete hothead. There have been times my husband blamed or criticized me that I initially remained calm. In what seemed like a calm (but firm) voice I have replied, "Please stop blaming me." I said things like, "It doesn't matter whose fault it is," "If one of us 'wins' the other loses. That means the relationship loses," and "Let's focus on solving the problem, not on blaming each other." My composure gradually evaporated, however, when my attempts were met with continued blame and criticism.
It occurred to me that it might be easier to remain calm and express empathy if I could understand what was motivating my husband's behavior. You see, my husband is essentially a good man so I assumed his intent was not malicious. Maybe there was some underlying reason for his hostility during conflict.
And so I set out to learn about "conflict behaviors." My initial findings reinforced what I already knew: defensiveness and hostility during conflict is associated with high levels of "marital distress" and increased likelihood of divorce. Nobody had to tell me this. Each time a conflict went unresolved I felt a little more hopeless than the time before. A sense of distance arose in my marriage that had not been there before. For a marriage to work there must be away to resolve conflict.
I then learned that "aggressive denial of responsibility" (e.g., criticism, blaming) is employed most frequently by people with fragile and/or unstable self-esteem. I read about "contingent" self-esteem, whereby one's sense of self-worth is dependent upon maintaining certain self-imposed standards. (What if those standards include "always being right" or "never losing an argument?" If that were the case I was completely screwed)!
"Conflict behavior" is also related to "attachment style." Briefly, attachment style as a concept comes from attachment theory. Attachment theory states that an infant's relationship with his primary caregiver becomes a template for his interpersonal relationships throughout life. A healthy, secure infant-caregiver relationship facilitates "normal" social and emotional development. Problems in the infant-caregiver relationship disrupt social and emotional development. Inconsistent availability and/or responsiveness to infant needs by the caregiver leads to the development of an anxious or ambivalent attachment style. The defining feature of this attachment style is anxiety over abandonment. Adults with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style have a higher tendency than others to display hostility during conflict, to include the use of blaming, threatening, and other verbal aggression. When compared to adults with secure attachment, they show greater attempts to dominate conflict discussion.
My research led me to a tentative conclusion: "defensive hostility," "criticism," "aggressive denial of responsibility," and similar "conflict escalating behaviors" stem from underlying insecurities. (Incidentally, none of the research seems to suggest such behaviors stem primarily from "being an asshole." So that's good news). It is not immediately clear to me how to use this information. Assuming my conclusion is accurate, my husband is unlikely to ever acknowledge said insecurities, perhaps not even to himself. But perhaps just being aware will arouse my compassion in the midst of conflict. Maybe seeing criticism as motivated by fear and anxiety will help me to take it less personally.
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Conflict, Argument, and Who's to Blame
A few weeks ago my husband and I had an argument. Things got kind of ugly and both of us ended up saying some not very nice things. After taking a few hours to regroup, we sat down to talk about what happened. I've mentioned before that my husband has a tendency to blame me when there's conflict in our relationship. In this particular instance, I'd clearly said and done some things that were hurtful. I was angry over what I felt were legitimate grievances but that didn't make my behavior okay. (Unfortunately, this was a conclusion I reached only in hindsight).
So when my husband sat down to talk things out the first thing I did was apologize. I admitted that my actions were inexcusable. My husband immediately agreed. He then proceeded to list a number of grievances he had with me. He concluded by asserting that anything he said or did that was upsetting to me was simply a natural reaction to having to deal with my bad behavior. He went on to say that if I would stop being so difficult to deal with then everything would be fine and we would get along perfectly.
I cannot completely capture how it feels to try to resolve a conflict with someone I love, to humble myself enough to admit I was wrong and to apologize for it, only to be told that I am the root of the problem. The most immediate emotion is anger. It feels like a slap in the face. I become defensive, like I have to justify myself or somehow prove my intentions are good. I feel frustrated. Sometimes I feel hopeless. "What's the point of trying to fix things?" I ask myself. "We never solve anything. He just ends up blaming me. Nothing changes." On several occasions I have ended the conversation at this point. I get pissed off and walk away. It doesn't solve anything but sometimes walking away seems like the only good option.
In this particular instance, however, walking away would have made things worse. So I told him it wasn't fair for him to place all the blame on me. "So you're saying that every argument is always both people's fault?" my husband asked.
I actually had to stop and think about this for a minute. In any given argument, are both parties at fault? Is this a rule that applies in all cases? Or are there arguments where one person is clearly to blame?
"Yes," I finally decided. "Because a disagreement doesn't have to turn into an argument," I explained. "And it always takes two people to argue. If one person refuses to engage then you can't have an argument," I added. I went on to qualify my statement. "I don't think both people are always equally to blame," I said. "There are times when one person clearly initiates an argument. The initiator would probably bear more responsibility in that case. But still, it takes two people to argue. If someone tries to start an argument and the other person won't take the bait then there's no argument. It's just one person acting like an asshole."
It is a tricky question though. I think most of us are inclinced to blame the other party when we get into any sort of conflict. This isn't always a bad thing. People are motivated to fight for something when they believe in the rightness of their cause.
It's different when the conflict is with someone you love. The best approach is probably just to agree to disagree, whenever possible. When this isn't possible compromise is the next best option. Of course this means that neither party gets everything they want and that both parties have to give something up. People are not always willing to do this.
I also think there is something to be said for acceptance. For example, I'm (begrudgingly) learning to accept that my husband is not going to actively participate in keeping our house neat and clean, no matter how often I ask him to help with these tasks. And he is (slowly) learning to accept that I become irritable when I'm stressed out and that unfortunately, I get stressed out pretty easily. Our tendency has been to get upset about these things again and again, to demand that the other change, and then to feel frustrated and disappointed when this doesn't happen. For me, it is extremely difficult to accept that my husband won't do something I think he should do. It makes me angry but not as much as it used to. I try to recognize the other ways he contributes to our lives. This is a work in progress.
So when my husband sat down to talk things out the first thing I did was apologize. I admitted that my actions were inexcusable. My husband immediately agreed. He then proceeded to list a number of grievances he had with me. He concluded by asserting that anything he said or did that was upsetting to me was simply a natural reaction to having to deal with my bad behavior. He went on to say that if I would stop being so difficult to deal with then everything would be fine and we would get along perfectly.
I cannot completely capture how it feels to try to resolve a conflict with someone I love, to humble myself enough to admit I was wrong and to apologize for it, only to be told that I am the root of the problem. The most immediate emotion is anger. It feels like a slap in the face. I become defensive, like I have to justify myself or somehow prove my intentions are good. I feel frustrated. Sometimes I feel hopeless. "What's the point of trying to fix things?" I ask myself. "We never solve anything. He just ends up blaming me. Nothing changes." On several occasions I have ended the conversation at this point. I get pissed off and walk away. It doesn't solve anything but sometimes walking away seems like the only good option.
In this particular instance, however, walking away would have made things worse. So I told him it wasn't fair for him to place all the blame on me. "So you're saying that every argument is always both people's fault?" my husband asked.
I actually had to stop and think about this for a minute. In any given argument, are both parties at fault? Is this a rule that applies in all cases? Or are there arguments where one person is clearly to blame?
"Yes," I finally decided. "Because a disagreement doesn't have to turn into an argument," I explained. "And it always takes two people to argue. If one person refuses to engage then you can't have an argument," I added. I went on to qualify my statement. "I don't think both people are always equally to blame," I said. "There are times when one person clearly initiates an argument. The initiator would probably bear more responsibility in that case. But still, it takes two people to argue. If someone tries to start an argument and the other person won't take the bait then there's no argument. It's just one person acting like an asshole."
It is a tricky question though. I think most of us are inclinced to blame the other party when we get into any sort of conflict. This isn't always a bad thing. People are motivated to fight for something when they believe in the rightness of their cause.
It's different when the conflict is with someone you love. The best approach is probably just to agree to disagree, whenever possible. When this isn't possible compromise is the next best option. Of course this means that neither party gets everything they want and that both parties have to give something up. People are not always willing to do this.
I also think there is something to be said for acceptance. For example, I'm (begrudgingly) learning to accept that my husband is not going to actively participate in keeping our house neat and clean, no matter how often I ask him to help with these tasks. And he is (slowly) learning to accept that I become irritable when I'm stressed out and that unfortunately, I get stressed out pretty easily. Our tendency has been to get upset about these things again and again, to demand that the other change, and then to feel frustrated and disappointed when this doesn't happen. For me, it is extremely difficult to accept that my husband won't do something I think he should do. It makes me angry but not as much as it used to. I try to recognize the other ways he contributes to our lives. This is a work in progress.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
How to cope when you get blamed for everything
How do you cope when your partner blames you for just about every problem that exists in your relationship? This is something I've struggled with in my marriage, although my husband and I have made a lot of improvements in the way we interact. I will start with an admission: I probably sometimes feel like my husband blames me for "everything" even when he doesn't. I have become sensitive to him blaming me. That means I am more likely to notice when he blames me for something and unlikely to notice the times he doesn't blame me or when he accepts responsibility himself. Because I'm sensitive to him blaming me I almost immediately become defensive when it happens. This has the unfortunate effect of making it harder for me to recognize when I am truly at fault. This is, of course, something that only becomes apparent to me in hindsight; I rarely recognize it when my husband and I are in the middle of a heated disagreement.
So I admit there are things I need to work on. This doesn't obscure the fact that my husband has a very real habit of blaming me when problems arise in our marriage. This makes it extremely difficult to resolve conflict in any meaningful or lasting way. We therefore find oursleves confronted with the same problems again and again and we continue to respond to them in the same problematic manner.
Is there a right way to cope with this? It's exceedingly frustrating. It has at times made me feel hopeless about the possibility of ever solving problems in my marriage. I will share how I've tried to deal with the situation in the hope that someone else with a similar problem might find it helpful. I would also appreciate any suggestions or feedback for how to improve.
It does not take long before constant blame begins to erode self confidence. This is something I've been determined to prevent. It took years for me to learn to love myself. My self confidence was hard won; I will never allow anyone to take it away. I protect my self esteem by refusing to accept blame for anything that isn't truly my fault. I quite literally say to my husband, "I refuse to accept blame for this. It isn't my fault." The flip side is that I have to work really hard to accept responsibility when I am at fault, to apologize when I behave unkindly, and to admit when I've done something wrong (oh how I hate admitting I'm wrong). I inevitably screw this up, at least initially. Fortunately, I've discovered I can get more than one try. If I behave terribly during an argument (I do this a lot more than I care to admit) I can go back an hour, two hours, or even a day later and say I'm sorry.
Which brings me to my next point. I have no objection to going to bed angry. Arguing is only productive if it leads to resolving the conflict. If an argument is going in circles, if it turns into a blame game, or if it simply becomes obvious that the problem is too complex to solve in one night then walk away. Going to bed angry is better than fighting all night yet accomplishing nothing. Get some rest. You may still be angry in the morning but probably less angry than you were before.
The purpose of an argument, disagreement, or other conflict is as follows: clearly identify the problem (or the problem caused by a particular behavior, comment, etc.); accept responsibility and/or apologize as appropriate; solve the problem or resolve the conflict (this can sometimes take the form of identifying what can be done differently in the future to prevent the same thing from happening again). When it seems like my husband is stuck on blaming me I point out that blaming each other damages our relationship and does nothing to fix the problem. The first time I pointed this out my husband's response was to continue blaming me. A day or two later we had a serious talk. I pointed out to my husband that when conflicts arise in our marriage we have no effective way to resolve them. We argue and point fingers but we never accomplish anything. When we found ourselves arguing about the same issue a few weeks later I pointed out that this was the same argument we'd had a few weeks earlier but had been unable to resolve. And when the same problem inevitably came up again a few weeks after that I pointed it out again. And again. And again. Over and over again I told my husband how concerned I was about our marriage. When he tried to blame me I lamented how focused he was on "winning" the argument or on being "right." "If one of us wins that means one of us loses," I told him. "If one of us loses the relationship loses. I don't want to lose our marriage."
I've also told my husband it really bothers me when I try to discuss a problem or concern and his immediate response is to say it's my fault. Every time he does this I point it out. "Stop blaming me," I tell him. "I want us to talk about the problem." If he continues to blame me I get up and leave the room. That's my version of how it goes. His version goes like this: "You get to say everything you want to say. Then when I try to say something you won't listen. You want to complain about me but then I can't complain about you." It's true that I don't like to be criticized. It's true that I sometimes walk away when he's saying things about me I don't like to hear. Usually I take some time, think about it, and come back to talk about it later. So he has a point. My problem, however, is when I bring up something he's done that bothers me and he responds with a litany of things I do that bother him. "If you have a concern you are free to bring it up later," I say. "Right now, I want to talk about [the initial problem]."
So that is where we are. Things have gotten better. We're both starting to realize there are things about one another we are going to have to learn to accept. For me, I am very slowly learning that it is sometimes better to go along with certain situations I don't like simply because it makes my husband happy. I am trying to decide which of these situations I am willing to go along with. There are some things I am unwilling to abide. I am still figuring out where to draw the line. It is hard to know when to put my foot down and when to give in. The fact that my husband and I are both very strong willed makes it more difficult. Neither of us are inclined to back down from something we believe in. We are both bull-headed and hell bent on doing things our own way. We both have a fierce desire to be right. We both have difficulty admitting we're wrong.
To a certain degree I suppose this is what marriage is about: two people finding a way to live together peacefully in a way that makes them both happy.
So I admit there are things I need to work on. This doesn't obscure the fact that my husband has a very real habit of blaming me when problems arise in our marriage. This makes it extremely difficult to resolve conflict in any meaningful or lasting way. We therefore find oursleves confronted with the same problems again and again and we continue to respond to them in the same problematic manner.
Is there a right way to cope with this? It's exceedingly frustrating. It has at times made me feel hopeless about the possibility of ever solving problems in my marriage. I will share how I've tried to deal with the situation in the hope that someone else with a similar problem might find it helpful. I would also appreciate any suggestions or feedback for how to improve.
It does not take long before constant blame begins to erode self confidence. This is something I've been determined to prevent. It took years for me to learn to love myself. My self confidence was hard won; I will never allow anyone to take it away. I protect my self esteem by refusing to accept blame for anything that isn't truly my fault. I quite literally say to my husband, "I refuse to accept blame for this. It isn't my fault." The flip side is that I have to work really hard to accept responsibility when I am at fault, to apologize when I behave unkindly, and to admit when I've done something wrong (oh how I hate admitting I'm wrong). I inevitably screw this up, at least initially. Fortunately, I've discovered I can get more than one try. If I behave terribly during an argument (I do this a lot more than I care to admit) I can go back an hour, two hours, or even a day later and say I'm sorry.
Which brings me to my next point. I have no objection to going to bed angry. Arguing is only productive if it leads to resolving the conflict. If an argument is going in circles, if it turns into a blame game, or if it simply becomes obvious that the problem is too complex to solve in one night then walk away. Going to bed angry is better than fighting all night yet accomplishing nothing. Get some rest. You may still be angry in the morning but probably less angry than you were before.
The purpose of an argument, disagreement, or other conflict is as follows: clearly identify the problem (or the problem caused by a particular behavior, comment, etc.); accept responsibility and/or apologize as appropriate; solve the problem or resolve the conflict (this can sometimes take the form of identifying what can be done differently in the future to prevent the same thing from happening again). When it seems like my husband is stuck on blaming me I point out that blaming each other damages our relationship and does nothing to fix the problem. The first time I pointed this out my husband's response was to continue blaming me. A day or two later we had a serious talk. I pointed out to my husband that when conflicts arise in our marriage we have no effective way to resolve them. We argue and point fingers but we never accomplish anything. When we found ourselves arguing about the same issue a few weeks later I pointed out that this was the same argument we'd had a few weeks earlier but had been unable to resolve. And when the same problem inevitably came up again a few weeks after that I pointed it out again. And again. And again. Over and over again I told my husband how concerned I was about our marriage. When he tried to blame me I lamented how focused he was on "winning" the argument or on being "right." "If one of us wins that means one of us loses," I told him. "If one of us loses the relationship loses. I don't want to lose our marriage."
I've also told my husband it really bothers me when I try to discuss a problem or concern and his immediate response is to say it's my fault. Every time he does this I point it out. "Stop blaming me," I tell him. "I want us to talk about the problem." If he continues to blame me I get up and leave the room. That's my version of how it goes. His version goes like this: "You get to say everything you want to say. Then when I try to say something you won't listen. You want to complain about me but then I can't complain about you." It's true that I don't like to be criticized. It's true that I sometimes walk away when he's saying things about me I don't like to hear. Usually I take some time, think about it, and come back to talk about it later. So he has a point. My problem, however, is when I bring up something he's done that bothers me and he responds with a litany of things I do that bother him. "If you have a concern you are free to bring it up later," I say. "Right now, I want to talk about [the initial problem]."
So that is where we are. Things have gotten better. We're both starting to realize there are things about one another we are going to have to learn to accept. For me, I am very slowly learning that it is sometimes better to go along with certain situations I don't like simply because it makes my husband happy. I am trying to decide which of these situations I am willing to go along with. There are some things I am unwilling to abide. I am still figuring out where to draw the line. It is hard to know when to put my foot down and when to give in. The fact that my husband and I are both very strong willed makes it more difficult. Neither of us are inclined to back down from something we believe in. We are both bull-headed and hell bent on doing things our own way. We both have a fierce desire to be right. We both have difficulty admitting we're wrong.
To a certain degree I suppose this is what marriage is about: two people finding a way to live together peacefully in a way that makes them both happy.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Does it take two for positive change in a relationship? Can one person do it alone?
From time to time I've had individual patients come to me requesting marriage counseling. "Where's your spouse?" I ask them. The reply: "He/she refuses to come." My response has always been to explain that marriage counseling requires the participation of both partners; you simply cannot do marriage counseling alone. But is this really true?
Change on the part of one person can certainly alter the dynamics of a relationship. A dynamic is by definition an interactive system or process. Change in one part of a system therefore changes the dynamics of that system. An inter-action requires at least two individuals, each responding to the other. Person A says or does something; person B says or does something in response. Person A responds to what person B has just said or done; person B then responds to person A, and so on and so forth until the interaction is over. Because humans are creatures of habit, two people in a relationship begin to develop "typical" ways of interacting with one another over time. These sytles of interaction become increasingly automatic and are repeated across a variety of situations; they solidify into identifiable patterns. If these patterns facilitate effective communication and serve to enhance the relationship the relationship will most likely thrive. Sometimes the patterns of interaction between two people are dysfunctional: they interfere with effective communication and perpetuate conflict. If the couple does not learn to interact in healthier ways their relationship becomes toxic and will probably not last.
One person can disrupt unhealthy patterns of interaction in a relationship; it takes two to tango, so to speak. To do this, one person in the relationship must choose to alter his or her reaction to the other person's behavior. It only takes one person, for example, to walk away instead of engaging in conflict. One person can choose to stop making demands of the other and learn to accept that their partner is not going to comply, give in, or otherwise do what they're being asked (or told) to do. One person can decide not to become defensive when their partner makes a negative comment. One partner can stop bringing up a topic that leads to arguments.
There are a lot of things one person can do, particularly if the goal is to reduce overt conflict and/or confrontation. And sometimes change in one partner can lead to change in the other. The key word is sometimes.
On the other hand, one person cannot "fix" a broken relationship. One person cannot coerce another to acitvely participate in a relationship. One person cannot force another to care about his or her wants and needs. One person cannot convince another person to share his or her desires.
If a person wants help in reducing conflict in his or her marriage then there are things I can do to help. It is important, however, for the person to understand that this might mean accepting the behavior of his or her partner, even if the behavior in question is not really acceptable (e.g., cheating).
Change on the part of one person can certainly alter the dynamics of a relationship. A dynamic is by definition an interactive system or process. Change in one part of a system therefore changes the dynamics of that system. An inter-action requires at least two individuals, each responding to the other. Person A says or does something; person B says or does something in response. Person A responds to what person B has just said or done; person B then responds to person A, and so on and so forth until the interaction is over. Because humans are creatures of habit, two people in a relationship begin to develop "typical" ways of interacting with one another over time. These sytles of interaction become increasingly automatic and are repeated across a variety of situations; they solidify into identifiable patterns. If these patterns facilitate effective communication and serve to enhance the relationship the relationship will most likely thrive. Sometimes the patterns of interaction between two people are dysfunctional: they interfere with effective communication and perpetuate conflict. If the couple does not learn to interact in healthier ways their relationship becomes toxic and will probably not last.
One person can disrupt unhealthy patterns of interaction in a relationship; it takes two to tango, so to speak. To do this, one person in the relationship must choose to alter his or her reaction to the other person's behavior. It only takes one person, for example, to walk away instead of engaging in conflict. One person can choose to stop making demands of the other and learn to accept that their partner is not going to comply, give in, or otherwise do what they're being asked (or told) to do. One person can decide not to become defensive when their partner makes a negative comment. One partner can stop bringing up a topic that leads to arguments.
There are a lot of things one person can do, particularly if the goal is to reduce overt conflict and/or confrontation. And sometimes change in one partner can lead to change in the other. The key word is sometimes.
On the other hand, one person cannot "fix" a broken relationship. One person cannot coerce another to acitvely participate in a relationship. One person cannot force another to care about his or her wants and needs. One person cannot convince another person to share his or her desires.
If a person wants help in reducing conflict in his or her marriage then there are things I can do to help. It is important, however, for the person to understand that this might mean accepting the behavior of his or her partner, even if the behavior in question is not really acceptable (e.g., cheating).
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