Defensiveness and Blame in Conflict

Over the past couple of months I've expressed frustration about how conflict is handled in my marriage.  Specifically, I've said I feel like I automatically get blamed when something goes wrong.  I started doing some research because I wanted advice on how to deal with this effectively.  I wanted my husband and I to learn to resolve conflict constructively.

Unfortunately, I didn't find the kind of advice I was looking for. While a lot of research has been done on conflict there was very little about how to respond to being verbally attacked and blamed.  I did, however, discover a few helpful tips: Avoid responding to negative emotion with negative emotion; this only escalates the conflict.  Express empathy (e.g., "I can see you are feeling hurt and angry").  And above all, try to remain calm. 

This is good advice but it seems to be asking a lot.  It is very difficult to remain calm when someone you love criticizes your very character and blames you for problems you didn't cause.  When attacked, most people automatically become defensive.  We quite naturally want to protect ourselves. A range of emotions are triggered, from fear to sadness to anger.  In the face of this emotional torrent, rational thought and clear reasoning are severely compromised. 

Not that I'm a complete hothead.  There have been times my husband blamed or criticized me that I initially remained calm.  In what seemed like a calm (but firm) voice I have replied, "Please stop blaming me."  I said things like, "It doesn't matter whose fault it is,"  "If one of us 'wins' the other loses.  That means the relationship loses," and "Let's focus on solving the problem, not on blaming each other."  My composure gradually evaporated, however, when my attempts were met with continued blame and criticism.

It occurred to me that it might be easier to remain calm and express empathy if I could understand what was motivating my husband's behavior.  You see, my husband is essentially a good man so I assumed his intent was not malicious.  Maybe there was some underlying reason for his hostility during conflict.

And so I set out to learn about "conflict behaviors."  My initial findings reinforced what I already knew: defensiveness and hostility during conflict is associated with high levels of "marital distress" and increased likelihood of divorce.  Nobody had to tell me this.  Each time a conflict went unresolved I felt a little more hopeless than the time before.  A sense of distance arose in my marriage that had not been there before.  For a marriage to work there must be away to resolve conflict. 

I then learned that "aggressive denial of responsibility" (e.g., criticism, blaming) is employed most frequently by people with fragile and/or unstable self-esteem.  I read about "contingent" self-esteem, whereby one's sense of self-worth is dependent upon maintaining certain self-imposed standards.  (What if those standards include "always being right" or "never losing an argument?"  If that were the case I was completely screwed)!

"Conflict behavior" is also related to "attachment style."  Briefly, attachment style as a concept comes from attachment theory.  Attachment theory states that an infant's relationship with his primary caregiver becomes a template for his interpersonal relationships throughout life.  A healthy, secure infant-caregiver relationship facilitates "normal" social and emotional development.  Problems in the infant-caregiver relationship disrupt social and emotional development.   Inconsistent availability and/or responsiveness to infant needs by the caregiver leads to the development of an anxious or ambivalent attachment style.  The defining feature of this attachment style is anxiety over abandonment.  Adults with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style have a higher tendency than others to display hostility during conflict, to include the use of blaming, threatening, and other verbal aggression.  When compared to adults with secure attachment, they show greater attempts to dominate conflict discussion. 

My research led me to a tentative conclusion: "defensive hostility," "criticism," "aggressive denial of responsibility," and similar "conflict escalating behaviors" stem from underlying insecurities.  (Incidentally, none of the research seems to suggest such behaviors stem primarily from "being an asshole."  So that's good news).  It is not immediately clear to me how to use this information.  Assuming my conclusion is accurate, my husband is unlikely to ever acknowledge said insecurities, perhaps not even to himself.  But perhaps just being aware will arouse my compassion in the midst of conflict.  Maybe seeing criticism as motivated by fear and anxiety will help me to take it less personally.

Identity and attachment

Watching, listening to, or reading the news is often depressing.  Still, I want to have some idea of what's going on in the world so I try to keep abreast of current events.  This past week there has been a lot of talk about the flooding in Colorado.  Initially the rain was a welcome relief after a long drought.  But the rain kept coming...and coming and coming.  Several people have been killed and others are unaccounted for.  Thousands of people have been forced to evacuate their homes. 

I was listening to coverage of the flood on NPR the other day.  A correspondent interviewed a woman in her early 20s who'd sought refuge at one of the evacuation shelters.  The woman had fled her home with her mother and their two cats.  She described trudging through waist-high water, cat claws digging into her shoulder, trying not to be swept away by the current.  She concluded the interview thus: "They're saying we can't go back to our houses for two, maybe three months...or if the dam breaks, maybe never.  I'm just glad we're alive and safe."

Whenever I hear stories like this I try to imagine what it would be like to lose everything you own.  How would I feel if faced with such an obstacle?  I'd probably be numb from shock at first.  And then I think I'd feel...completely lost.  If I had to start over with nothing where would I even begin?

My logical side reminds me that possessions - a house and what's in it - are just things.  Things do not make life meaningful.  Things can be replaced.  In fact, there are people who willingly give up their possessions to live a life of contemplation or devotion.  There are people who never stay in one place for long and who carry everything they own in a backpack or duffel bag.  So why is it that I cannot imagine my life without things? 

I know the answer almost as soon as I ask the question: attachment.  I am attached to the things I've worked hard to afford.  In my mind, these things have become part of who I am.  I think of these things as part of a life I have built for myself: a part of my life and so a part of my self. 

I am not a Buddhist but I agree with a lot of what the Buddha taught, especially about suffering.  The Buddha spoke of four noble truths.  Among those truths is this: attachment causes suffering.  Everything changes.  Nothing is permanent.  When we become attached to something - or someone - we cling to it; we want it to stay exactly as it is.  This is, of course, impossible because everything changes; nothing is permanent.  And so, when whatever we cling to changes, we suffer.  Sometimes we cling tighter.  Sometimes we cling instead to the memory of what was, of what we had, of what we lost.  We tell ourselves it shouldn't be this way.  And we suffer.

These are things I know but have forgotten.  Going forward, I will try to remember to accept what is without clinging to it.