Back from vacation

Sorry I haven't posted anything for the past couple of weeks; I took some time off of work (and responsibility).  I thought about posting on several occasions over the past two weeks but I couldn't seem to muster enough motivation.  This was the longest consecutive period of time I've had off of work since the end of 2008.  It was actually a bit disorienting.  I found myself forgetting to do little things that I typically incorporate into my daily routine.  Without the routine they simply slipped my mind.  There was no damage done; I eventually got around to doing everything I needed to do.  It just made me realize that work has become the structure for my life around which everything else is organized.  Without work, I sleep in every day.  The earliest I start to become productive is around 10:00 AM.  If I have the option to be lazy - even if it's for five minutes - I almost always seize the opportunity.  I waste hours and hours doing things with absolutely no productive value whatsoever.   Because my regular sleep cycle is thrown off my body is confused; I feel lethargic when I need energy and have energy when it's time to go to bed.  

I do a little better when I have things planned.  If I know I have to be somewhere at a certain time I can structure my day around it.  I know what I want to get done that day so I have to give myself enough time to do it before I have to be wherever it is I have obligated myself to be. 

I initially felt a bit guilty about how little I accomplished during my two week vacation.  Then I decided not to worry about it.  It was, after all, a vacation.  You're supposed to spend your time relaxing.  While I can live with a little chaos for a couple of weeks I could not live my life this way.  At first I thought it was about work.  I thought to myself, "I can never quit working.  I would be a complete mess!"  Later I realized it isn't about work at all; it's about structure.  I need structure in my life in order to thrive.  Without it I become lazy, disorganized, and unproductive.  I feel lost. 

This isn't really a novel realization; I long ago embraced the comfort of a good routine.  It's just that being without structure for a couple of weeks really reiterated this point for me.  I sometimes wish I could be the kind of person who "goes with the flow."  I'd love to be more fluid and flexible.  I know I'm too rigid - I'm just not sure how to be another way. 

The comfort of a good routine

My stepdaughter was on Spring Break this past week so I took off from work to spend time with her.  My sister held her annual Easter Egg hunt the day before Easter.  We went to church with my family on Easter Sunday and had lunch with family afterwards.  We took a two day trip to Baltimore with family on Tuesday and Wednesday.

I always have to prepare myself mentally the week or so before a vacation.  It's not that I don't enjoy the time off from work and spending time with people I love - I do.  It's just that it's very hard for me to deviate from my routine.  My weeks are typically quite structured.  I get up at 5 AM, get ready to go, and arrive to work between 7 and 730.  Even what I eat for breakfast rarely changes: oatmeal with brown sugar and fruit. I get off of work at 4 PM.  I go home, change clothes, and head to the gym.  I spend about 45 minutes at the gym (where I do a strength training routine and either jog on the treadmill or use the elliptical), I come home, change into sweats, and relax.  My husband and I eventually sit down for dinner and spend a little time together before I go to bed around 930.  That's my week, at least Monday through Thursday.  On Fridays, I come home and try to clean up around the house.  Sometimes I meet up with friends for dinner.  Saturdays are free days.  Sundays I go to my parents' and have lunch with my family.

I know, my life isn't very exciting.  Some people might say it's quite boring.  Not me.  I like the calm predictability of structure and routine.  It's familiar.  It's comfortable.

Now I realize I'm probably a little too comfortable with my routine; I have a hard time deviating from it.  I hate when someone calls me at work and asks me to accompany them to some spontaneously planned event that same evening.  I'll usually go, depending on the event, but if it requires me to skip the gym then I end up feeling guilty.  I realize that this is slightly unrealistic.  That's why I typically end up attending whatever event I've been invited too, despite feeling a bit guilty.  Just because I feel a particular way doesn't mean I have to act on those emotions.

And then the vacation inevitably comes to an end.  This is where a little mindfulness is helpful.  It's not unusual to start lamenting that vacation is "almost over" several days before it ends.  Every time this thought comes up it brings with it feelings of disappointment.  These feelings keep you from fully enjoying what's happening now, while you're still on vacation.  I've done pretty well at avoiding this trap.  What I have a more difficult time with is the disappointment that comes when vacation is officially over.  I find myself reliving everything I did and wondering if I made the most of it.  Having looked forward to this vacation for weeks, I find myself thinking about what I have to look forward to now.  Why is there this need to have something to anticipate?  Why not be satisfied with the vacation I've had and get back to my normal routine? I realize this is a common habit; perhaps it's human nature...