Sorry I haven't posted anything for the past couple of weeks; I took some time off of work (and responsibility). I thought about posting on several occasions over the past two weeks but I couldn't seem to muster enough motivation. This was the longest consecutive period of time I've had off of work since the end of 2008. It was actually a bit disorienting. I found myself forgetting to do little things that I typically incorporate into my daily routine. Without the routine they simply slipped my mind. There was no damage done; I eventually got around to doing everything I needed to do. It just made me realize that work has become the structure for my life around which everything else is organized. Without work, I sleep in every day. The earliest I start to become productive is around 10:00 AM. If I have the option to be lazy - even if it's for five minutes - I almost always seize the opportunity. I waste hours and hours doing things with absolutely no productive value whatsoever. Because my regular sleep cycle is thrown off my body is confused; I feel lethargic when I need energy and have energy when it's time to go to bed.
I do a little better when I have things planned. If I know I have to be somewhere at a certain time I can structure my day around it. I know what I want to get done that day so I have to give myself enough time to do it before I have to be wherever it is I have obligated myself to be.
I initially felt a bit guilty about how little I accomplished during my two week vacation. Then I decided not to worry about it. It was, after all, a vacation. You're supposed to spend your time relaxing. While I can live with a little chaos for a couple of weeks I could not live my life this way. At first I thought it was about work. I thought to myself, "I can never quit working. I would be a complete mess!" Later I realized it isn't about work at all; it's about structure. I need structure in my life in order to thrive. Without it I become lazy, disorganized, and unproductive. I feel lost.
This isn't really a novel realization; I long ago embraced the comfort of a good routine. It's just that being without structure for a couple of weeks really reiterated this point for me. I sometimes wish I could be the kind of person who "goes with the flow." I'd love to be more fluid and flexible. I know I'm too rigid - I'm just not sure how to be another way.
Mainly you are too hard on yourself, internal pressure from having a schedule introduces an edge that one can't reproduce without. It is the American way to feel guilty by not "doing." Surely, once you have a child you will laugh at this. Relax.
ReplyDeleteI always appreciate your perspective. Thanks;-)
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