Rigid Personality

My husband says I'm inflexible.  He's not the first person to tell me this.  I don't deny it.  I have a strong preference for structure over chaos.  It takes me a while to adjust to big changes.  I am easily stressed out, even over small things.  I like my space to be clean (or at least tidy).  Messiness makes me feel like the room is closing in on me. 

If something needs to be done I prefer to go ahead and do it as soon as possible; I rarely procrastinate.  I like to plan activities and/or events in advance.  I don't like spur of the moment invitations and will typically decline them. I am very attached to my routines. If there is somewhere I've planned to go at a particular time or something I do regularly on certain days I generally resist any attempts by other people to intefere. 

So no, I am not particularly flexible.  I can bend and I do bend, but only under a limited number of extenuating circumstances. 

I admit that I can be too "rigid" at times.  This sometimes leads to negative consequences.  As I said before, I get stressed out a lot.  I'm not always anxious but I do struggle with anxiety.  I am stubborn to a fault.  I become irritable and unpleasant when I feel overwhelmed. 

My husband highlights these consequences and insists that I change.  I'm too rigid, he says.  I won't listen to reason.  (I completely disagree with the latter sentiment.  I do listen to reason.  It's just that I do not always find his "reason" compelling.  I listen to it and then I disagree.  I have a right to disagree.  It doesn't mean I'm unreasonable).

While I disagree with the crux of my husband's argument, buried within it lies a valid point.  I can be too rigid. 

And yet this very same quality bestows so many benefits.  I am consistent, steady, and reliable.  I get things done.  I am responsible.  I am conscientious.   I am predictable. This may not make me the most exciting person in the world but I'm okay with that. People know what to expect from me; there is something comforting about that.  I finish what I start; I follow through with committments.  Because of this I have, for example, no difficulty exercising regularly and maintaining healthy eating habits.  In fact, I don't really have a problem maintaing any positive habit, once it becomes a habit.  I'm good at habits.  Habits are my thing.

It is difficult for me to know where to draw the line.  Yes I'm a bit rigid but to a certain degree this works well for me.  It enables me to structure my life in a way that ensures I have time to devote to every important person, activity, event, and/or obligation.  I realize, however, that being too rigid creates problems.  Sometimes I refuse to budge, even when I know I'm making things more difficult than they have to be.  There is definitely room for improvement.

When it comes to my marriage, I know that trying to be more flexible will decrease conflict and increase harmony.  I also believe, however, that a great deal of benefit would come from my husband putting effort into trying to understand and accept me as I am, for who I am, instead of wanting me to be a different "type" or "kind" of person.  (And that goes both ways, of course, i.e., me learning to accept him as he is).  I am open to self-improvement but I can't be a different person.  I don't want to be a different person.  And I don't want anyone to pressure me into being anyone other than myself.  If I say to my husband, "This is who I am.  Please try to accept me," am I just being rigid and obstinate?  I am confused at this point about whether I should be working on changing myself or encouraging him to to accept me as I am...

Back from vacation

Sorry I haven't posted anything for the past couple of weeks; I took some time off of work (and responsibility).  I thought about posting on several occasions over the past two weeks but I couldn't seem to muster enough motivation.  This was the longest consecutive period of time I've had off of work since the end of 2008.  It was actually a bit disorienting.  I found myself forgetting to do little things that I typically incorporate into my daily routine.  Without the routine they simply slipped my mind.  There was no damage done; I eventually got around to doing everything I needed to do.  It just made me realize that work has become the structure for my life around which everything else is organized.  Without work, I sleep in every day.  The earliest I start to become productive is around 10:00 AM.  If I have the option to be lazy - even if it's for five minutes - I almost always seize the opportunity.  I waste hours and hours doing things with absolutely no productive value whatsoever.   Because my regular sleep cycle is thrown off my body is confused; I feel lethargic when I need energy and have energy when it's time to go to bed.  

I do a little better when I have things planned.  If I know I have to be somewhere at a certain time I can structure my day around it.  I know what I want to get done that day so I have to give myself enough time to do it before I have to be wherever it is I have obligated myself to be. 

I initially felt a bit guilty about how little I accomplished during my two week vacation.  Then I decided not to worry about it.  It was, after all, a vacation.  You're supposed to spend your time relaxing.  While I can live with a little chaos for a couple of weeks I could not live my life this way.  At first I thought it was about work.  I thought to myself, "I can never quit working.  I would be a complete mess!"  Later I realized it isn't about work at all; it's about structure.  I need structure in my life in order to thrive.  Without it I become lazy, disorganized, and unproductive.  I feel lost. 

This isn't really a novel realization; I long ago embraced the comfort of a good routine.  It's just that being without structure for a couple of weeks really reiterated this point for me.  I sometimes wish I could be the kind of person who "goes with the flow."  I'd love to be more fluid and flexible.  I know I'm too rigid - I'm just not sure how to be another way.