My husband says I'm inflexible. He's not the first person to tell me this. I don't deny it. I have a strong preference for structure over chaos. It takes me a while to adjust to big changes. I am easily stressed out, even over small things. I like my space to be clean (or at least tidy). Messiness makes me feel like the room is closing in on me.
If something needs to be done I prefer to go ahead and do it as soon as possible; I rarely procrastinate. I like to plan activities and/or events in advance. I don't like spur of the moment invitations and will typically decline them. I am very attached to my routines. If there is somewhere I've planned to go at a particular time or something I do regularly on certain days I generally resist any attempts by other people to intefere.
So no, I am not particularly flexible. I can bend and I do bend, but only under a limited number of extenuating circumstances.
I admit that I can be too "rigid" at times. This sometimes leads to negative consequences. As I said before, I get stressed out a lot. I'm not always anxious but I do struggle with anxiety. I am stubborn to a fault. I become irritable and unpleasant when I feel overwhelmed.
My husband highlights these consequences and insists that I change. I'm too rigid, he says. I won't listen to reason. (I completely disagree with the latter sentiment. I do listen to reason. It's just that I do not always find his "reason" compelling. I listen to it and then I disagree. I have a right to disagree. It doesn't mean I'm unreasonable).
While I disagree with the crux of my husband's argument, buried within it lies a valid point. I can be too rigid.
And yet this very same quality bestows so many benefits. I am consistent, steady, and reliable. I get things done. I am responsible. I am conscientious. I am predictable. This may not make me the most exciting person in the world but I'm okay with that. People know what to expect from me; there is something comforting about that. I finish what I start; I follow through with committments. Because of this I have, for example, no difficulty exercising regularly and maintaining healthy eating habits. In fact, I don't really have a problem maintaing any positive habit, once it becomes a habit. I'm good at habits. Habits are my thing.
It is difficult for me to know where to draw the line. Yes I'm a bit rigid but to a certain degree this works well for me. It enables me to structure my life in a way that ensures I have time to devote to every important person, activity, event, and/or obligation. I realize, however, that being too rigid creates problems. Sometimes I refuse to budge, even when I know I'm making things more difficult than they have to be. There is definitely room for improvement.
When it comes to my marriage, I know that trying to be more flexible will decrease conflict and increase harmony. I also believe, however, that a great deal of benefit would come from my husband putting effort into trying to understand and accept me as I am, for who I am, instead of wanting me to be a different "type" or "kind" of person. (And that goes both ways, of course, i.e., me learning to accept him as he is). I am open to self-improvement but I can't be a different person. I don't want to be a different person. And I don't want anyone to pressure me into being anyone other than myself. If I say to my husband, "This is who I am. Please try to accept me," am I just being rigid and obstinate? I am confused at this point about whether I should be working on changing myself or encouraging him to to accept me as I am...
Showing posts with label personality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personality. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Sunday, September 2, 2012
On being an introvert
Sometimes it's hard being an introvert. It seems like extroverts have all the advantages, at least in today's world. American society values the characteristics associated with extroversion: energetic, outgoing, enthusiastic, active, willing to take risks, objective, cheerful, expressive. Extroverts are quick to engage with others. Because they tend to be action-oriented, they enlist other people in doing things; this shared participation in a common activity provides the context for building interpersonal connections. Thus, extroverts establish relationships quickly and easily. People like extroverts and they like to be around them.
Whereas the extrovert is attuned to and energized by the external environment, introverts tend to focus their attention inward. Introverts spend a lot of time thinking, interpreting, and analyzing. They often enjoy abstract concepts and ideas. They typically concentrate well and are not easily distracted. The extrovert gains energy by spending time with others; the introvert gains energy by spending time alone. Thus, introverts often withdraw from social situations.
These are not the qualities that get a person noticed. They are not the characteristics Americans tend to associate with success. Americans admire and respect the type of people who can walk into a situation and take charge without batting an eyelash. They look up to people who appear steady and confident. In America, the qualities of the extrovert are seen as favorable and are therefore advantageous.
In addition, there is an abundant body of evidence suggesting that extroverts tend to be significantly happier than introverts. So many studies, in fact, have demonstrated this effect that Lucas, Le, and Dyrenforth call the correlation between extroversion and positive emotion "one of the most robust findings in the study of personality and emotion." There have even been studies showing that introverts can increase their positive emotion by acting like extroverts.
And so being an introvert can be difficult. We're systematically undervalued and frequently misunderstood. Often, we're encouraged to become more extroverted, implying that there's something wrong with the way we are. I've seen the impact this can have on people. Over the years, I've had many introverted patients who came to me thinking there was something wrong with them. Such is the plight of the introvert living in an extrovert's world.
I briefly saw a psychologist when I was in graduate school. One of the first things he did was have me complete the Myers-Briggs (a personality assessment). I remember when we went over the results together. "So do you think you're an introvert or an extrovert?" he asked before revealing what the assessment showed. "I don't know," I replied. "I could see it going either way." "Actually," he said, pausing. "You're pretty strongly introverted." "Really?" I asked, surprised. I'd always thought of introverts as being shy, reserved, and quiet -- all things I definately am not. (As it turns out, this is a common misconception).
Discovering I'm an introvert shed new light on a light of things I didn't understand about myself. Once I understood these things about myself I was able to embrace them. I was also more sensitive to what I needed -- plenty of alone time to think and reflect as well as quiet time to regroup after socializing. Whenever I have a patient who is clearly introverted, I set aside time to help them understand what this means. I normalize their need for alone time; I explain that making time to be alone is an essential part of taking care of themselves. Hopefully, they will learn to embrace who they are...
Whereas the extrovert is attuned to and energized by the external environment, introverts tend to focus their attention inward. Introverts spend a lot of time thinking, interpreting, and analyzing. They often enjoy abstract concepts and ideas. They typically concentrate well and are not easily distracted. The extrovert gains energy by spending time with others; the introvert gains energy by spending time alone. Thus, introverts often withdraw from social situations.
These are not the qualities that get a person noticed. They are not the characteristics Americans tend to associate with success. Americans admire and respect the type of people who can walk into a situation and take charge without batting an eyelash. They look up to people who appear steady and confident. In America, the qualities of the extrovert are seen as favorable and are therefore advantageous.
In addition, there is an abundant body of evidence suggesting that extroverts tend to be significantly happier than introverts. So many studies, in fact, have demonstrated this effect that Lucas, Le, and Dyrenforth call the correlation between extroversion and positive emotion "one of the most robust findings in the study of personality and emotion." There have even been studies showing that introverts can increase their positive emotion by acting like extroverts.
And so being an introvert can be difficult. We're systematically undervalued and frequently misunderstood. Often, we're encouraged to become more extroverted, implying that there's something wrong with the way we are. I've seen the impact this can have on people. Over the years, I've had many introverted patients who came to me thinking there was something wrong with them. Such is the plight of the introvert living in an extrovert's world.
I briefly saw a psychologist when I was in graduate school. One of the first things he did was have me complete the Myers-Briggs (a personality assessment). I remember when we went over the results together. "So do you think you're an introvert or an extrovert?" he asked before revealing what the assessment showed. "I don't know," I replied. "I could see it going either way." "Actually," he said, pausing. "You're pretty strongly introverted." "Really?" I asked, surprised. I'd always thought of introverts as being shy, reserved, and quiet -- all things I definately am not. (As it turns out, this is a common misconception).
Discovering I'm an introvert shed new light on a light of things I didn't understand about myself. Once I understood these things about myself I was able to embrace them. I was also more sensitive to what I needed -- plenty of alone time to think and reflect as well as quiet time to regroup after socializing. Whenever I have a patient who is clearly introverted, I set aside time to help them understand what this means. I normalize their need for alone time; I explain that making time to be alone is an essential part of taking care of themselves. Hopefully, they will learn to embrace who they are...
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