Monday, December 30, 2013

Back from vacation

Sorry I haven't posted anything for the past couple of weeks; I took some time off of work (and responsibility).  I thought about posting on several occasions over the past two weeks but I couldn't seem to muster enough motivation.  This was the longest consecutive period of time I've had off of work since the end of 2008.  It was actually a bit disorienting.  I found myself forgetting to do little things that I typically incorporate into my daily routine.  Without the routine they simply slipped my mind.  There was no damage done; I eventually got around to doing everything I needed to do.  It just made me realize that work has become the structure for my life around which everything else is organized.  Without work, I sleep in every day.  The earliest I start to become productive is around 10:00 AM.  If I have the option to be lazy - even if it's for five minutes - I almost always seize the opportunity.  I waste hours and hours doing things with absolutely no productive value whatsoever.   Because my regular sleep cycle is thrown off my body is confused; I feel lethargic when I need energy and have energy when it's time to go to bed.  

I do a little better when I have things planned.  If I know I have to be somewhere at a certain time I can structure my day around it.  I know what I want to get done that day so I have to give myself enough time to do it before I have to be wherever it is I have obligated myself to be. 

I initially felt a bit guilty about how little I accomplished during my two week vacation.  Then I decided not to worry about it.  It was, after all, a vacation.  You're supposed to spend your time relaxing.  While I can live with a little chaos for a couple of weeks I could not live my life this way.  At first I thought it was about work.  I thought to myself, "I can never quit working.  I would be a complete mess!"  Later I realized it isn't about work at all; it's about structure.  I need structure in my life in order to thrive.  Without it I become lazy, disorganized, and unproductive.  I feel lost. 

This isn't really a novel realization; I long ago embraced the comfort of a good routine.  It's just that being without structure for a couple of weeks really reiterated this point for me.  I sometimes wish I could be the kind of person who "goes with the flow."  I'd love to be more fluid and flexible.  I know I'm too rigid - I'm just not sure how to be another way. 

2 comments:

  1. Mainly you are too hard on yourself, internal pressure from having a schedule introduces an edge that one can't reproduce without. It is the American way to feel guilty by not "doing." Surely, once you have a child you will laugh at this. Relax.

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    Replies
    1. I always appreciate your perspective. Thanks;-)

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