I usually start working on a new blog post at the beginning of the week. This past Monday, though, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I tried to start writing but I drew a blank. I couldn't muster the motivation nor the focus to get started. It was like this all day. I lacked my usual easy way with my patients. I had trouble making myself smile. I usually laugh and joke but my sense of humor deserted me. My voice was flat. I could hear it but I couldn't change it. It was strange.
Everyone has bad days so I didn't think much of it. But Tuesday came and I felt the same. And Wednesday too. I've started to get nervous. I know this feeling. I'm surprised at how quickly I recognized it because it has been a while since I've felt it. The giveaway for me is the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It weighs me down. Something is wrong inside but it doesn't make sense because nothing is wrong outside. Everything is fine.
But that's what depression is, if I remember correctly. I work with depressed people all the time so I know what it looks like. But it's been a long time since I've felt that way myself. I guess seeing it and experiencing it yourself are different.
It hasn't settled in - the depression I mean - and it won't if I can help it. It may just be that it's a certain time of month and all my hormones are conspiring against me. In that case, I'll be myself again by Monday. Let's hope for the best!