Conflict, Argument, and Who's to Blame

A few weeks ago my husband and I had an argument.  Things got kind of ugly and both of us ended up saying some not very nice things.  After taking a few hours to regroup, we sat down to talk about what happened.  I've mentioned before that my husband has a tendency to blame me when there's conflict in our relationship.  In this particular instance, I'd clearly said and done some things that were hurtful.  I was angry over what I felt were legitimate grievances but that didn't make my behavior okay.  (Unfortunately, this was a conclusion I reached only in hindsight).

So when my husband sat down to talk things out the first thing I did was apologize.  I admitted that my actions were inexcusable.  My husband immediately agreed.  He then proceeded to list a number of grievances he had with me.  He concluded by asserting that anything he said or did that was upsetting to me was simply a natural reaction to having to deal with my bad behavior.  He went on to say that if I would stop being so difficult to deal with then everything would be fine and we would get along perfectly.

I cannot completely capture how it feels to try to resolve a conflict with someone I love, to humble myself enough to admit I was wrong and to apologize for it, only to be told that I am the root of the problem.  The most immediate emotion is anger.  It feels like a slap in the face.  I become defensive, like I have to justify myself or somehow prove my intentions are good.  I feel frustrated.  Sometimes I feel hopeless.  "What's the point of trying to fix things?" I ask myself.  "We never solve anything.  He just ends up blaming me.  Nothing changes."  On several occasions I have ended the conversation at this point.  I get pissed off and walk away.  It doesn't solve anything but sometimes walking away seems like the only good option.

In this particular instance, however, walking away would have made things worse.  So I told him it wasn't fair for him to place all the blame on me.  "So you're saying that every argument is always both people's fault?" my husband asked. 

I actually had to stop and think about this for a minute.  In any given argument, are both parties at fault?  Is this a rule that applies in all cases?  Or are there arguments where one person is clearly to blame?

"Yes," I finally decided.  "Because a disagreement doesn't have to turn into an argument," I explained.  "And it always takes two people to argue. If one person refuses to engage then you can't have an argument," I added.  I went on to qualify my statement.  "I don't think both people are always equally to blame," I said.  "There are times when one person clearly initiates an argument.  The initiator would probably bear more responsibility in that case.  But still, it takes two people to argue.  If someone tries to start an argument and the other person won't take the bait then there's no argument.  It's just one person acting like an asshole." 

It is a tricky question though.  I think most of us are inclinced to blame the other party when we get into any sort of conflict.  This isn't always a bad thing.  People are motivated to fight for something when they believe in the rightness of their cause.

It's different when the conflict is with someone you love.  The best approach is probably just to agree to disagree, whenever possible.  When this isn't possible compromise is the next best option.  Of course this means that neither party gets everything they want and that both parties have to give something up.  People are not always willing to do this. 

I also think there is something to be said for acceptance.  For example, I'm (begrudgingly) learning to accept that my husband is not going to actively participate in keeping our house neat and clean, no matter how often I ask him to help with these tasks.  And he is (slowly) learning to accept that I become irritable when I'm stressed out and that unfortunately, I get stressed out pretty easily.  Our tendency has been to get upset about these things again and again, to demand that the other change, and then to feel frustrated and disappointed when this doesn't happen.  For me, it is extremely difficult to accept that my husband won't do something I think he should do.  It makes me angry but not as much as it used to.  I try to recognize the other ways he contributes to our lives.  This is a work in progress.

How to cope when you get blamed for everything

How do you cope when your partner blames you for just about every problem that exists in your relationship?  This is something I've struggled with in my marriage, although my husband and I have made a lot of improvements in the way we interact.  I will start with an admission: I probably sometimes feel like my husband blames me for "everything" even when he doesn't.  I have become sensitive to him blaming me.  That means I am more likely to notice when he blames me for something and unlikely to notice the times he doesn't blame me or when he accepts responsibility himself.  Because I'm sensitive to him blaming me I almost immediately become defensive when it happens.  This has the unfortunate effect of making it harder for me to recognize when I am truly at fault.  This is, of course, something that only becomes apparent to me in hindsight; I rarely recognize it when my husband and I are in the middle of a heated disagreement. 

So I admit there are things I need to work on.  This doesn't obscure the fact that my husband has a very real habit of blaming me when problems arise in our marriage.  This makes it extremely difficult to resolve conflict in any meaningful or lasting way.  We therefore find oursleves confronted with the same problems again and again and we continue to respond to them in the same problematic manner.

Is there a right way to cope with this?  It's exceedingly frustrating.  It has at times made me feel hopeless about the possibility of ever solving problems in my marriage.  I will share how I've tried to deal with the situation in the hope that someone else with a similar problem might find it helpful.  I would also appreciate any suggestions or feedback for how to improve. 

It does not take long before constant blame begins to erode self confidence.  This is something I've been determined to prevent.  It took years for me to learn to love myself.  My self confidence was hard won; I will never allow anyone to take it away.  I protect my self esteem by refusing to accept blame for anything that isn't truly my fault.  I quite literally say to my husband, "I refuse to accept blame for this.  It isn't my fault."  The flip side is that I have to work really hard to accept responsibility when I am at fault, to apologize when I behave unkindly, and to admit when I've done something wrong (oh how I hate admitting I'm wrong).  I inevitably screw this up, at least initially.  Fortunately, I've discovered I can get more than one try.  If I behave terribly during an argument (I do this a lot more than I care to admit) I can go back an hour, two hours, or even a day later and say I'm sorry. 

Which brings me to my next point.  I have no objection to going to bed angry.  Arguing is only productive if it leads to resolving the conflict.  If an argument is going in circles, if it turns into a blame game, or if it simply becomes obvious that the problem is too complex to solve in one night then walk away.  Going to bed angry is better than fighting all night yet accomplishing nothing.  Get some rest.  You may still be angry in the morning but probably less angry than you were before.

The purpose of an argument, disagreement, or other conflict is as follows: clearly identify the problem (or the problem caused by a particular behavior, comment, etc.); accept responsibility and/or apologize as appropriate; solve the problem or resolve the conflict (this can sometimes take the form of identifying what can be done differently in the future to prevent the same thing from happening again).  When it seems like my husband is stuck on blaming me I point out that blaming each other damages our relationship and does nothing to fix the problem.  The first time I pointed this out my husband's response was to continue blaming me.  A day or two later we had a serious talk.  I pointed out to my husband that when conflicts arise in our marriage we have no effective way to resolve them.  We argue and point fingers but we never accomplish anything.  When we found ourselves arguing about the same issue a few weeks later I pointed out that this was the same argument we'd had a few weeks earlier but had been unable to resolve.  And when the same problem inevitably came up again a few weeks after that I pointed it out again.  And again.  And again.  Over and over again I told my husband how concerned I was about our marriage.  When he tried to blame me I lamented how focused he was on "winning" the argument or on being "right."  "If one of us wins that means one of us loses," I told him.  "If one of us loses the relationship loses.  I don't want to lose our marriage." 

I've also told my husband it really bothers me when I try to discuss a problem or concern and his immediate response is to say it's my fault.  Every time he does this I point it out.  "Stop blaming me," I tell him.  "I want us to talk about the problem."  If he continues to blame me I get up and leave the room.  That's my version of how it goes.  His version goes like this: "You get to say everything you want to say.  Then when I try to say something you won't listen.  You want to complain about me but then I can't complain about you."  It's true that I don't like to be criticized.  It's true that I sometimes walk away when he's saying things about me I don't like to hear.  Usually I take some time, think about it, and come back to talk about it later.  So he has a point.  My problem, however, is when I bring up something he's done that bothers me and he responds with a litany of things I do that bother him.  "If you have a concern you are free to bring it up later," I say.  "Right now, I want to talk about [the initial problem]."

So that is where we are.  Things have gotten better.  We're both starting to realize there are things about one another we are going to have to learn to accept.  For me, I am very slowly learning that it is sometimes better to go along with certain situations I don't like simply because it makes my husband happy.  I am trying to decide which of these situations I am willing to go along with.  There are some things I am unwilling to abide.  I am still figuring out where to draw the line.  It is hard to know when to put my foot down and when to give in.  The fact that my husband and I are both very strong willed makes it more difficult.  Neither of us are inclined to back down from something we believe in.  We are both bull-headed and hell bent on doing things our own way.  We both have a fierce desire to be right.  We both have difficulty admitting we're wrong. 

To a certain degree I suppose this is what marriage is about: two people finding a way to live together peacefully in a way that makes them both happy. 

Why some people always insist on being right

All of us have probably known or at least encountered someone who is simply unable to accept responsibility when he makes a mistake or to admit when he is wrong.  We have probably all, at some point, known the frustration of dealing with someone who is "always right" and "never wrong."  We may have experienced the futility of trying to reason with someone like this; even when presented with irrefutable evidence to the contrary, the person continues to insist that he is right.  In situations where it is apparent that a mistake has been made (or an offense has been committed), he will blame someone else; it is NEVER his fault.  If backed into a corner, a "never wrong-er" will, for example, insist that his behavior was a justified response to being abused or treated unfairly.  (i.e., Yes, he was wrong, but it wasn't really his fault).  A person like this will not even accept responsibility for his own emotions; he will, for example, insist, "Well he shouldn't have made me angry."

Nobody likes to admit to being wrong.  However, most of us recognize that it sometimes need to be done and we do it, even if we don't want to.  So what makes the people who cannot or will not admit to being wrong different from the rest of us?  Is there away to get them to acknowledge when they are wrong and to admit when they've made a mistake?

I started thinking about this because of my own frustration dealing with someone who insist on always being right.  For me, the worst thing about having a conflict with this person is that since he is "always right" then I always have to be wrong.  I quickly started to resent being blamed for every problem that arises.  Like most people, it's very hard for me to admit when I've done something wrong.  Sometimes it takes a little while for me to recognize that I've made a mistake.  Whenever someone I care about points a finger at me to tell me I'm wrong, however, I always take some time to think about it and to reconsider my actions.  If, after consideration (and sometimes even consultation with someone I trust), I see that I've done something wrong then I admit it.  I apologize and try to identify what I need to do to avoid making the same mistake again.  Ideally, the other person involved in the conflict will also examine his behaviors and will accept responsibility for whatever part he played in the situation.  It is discouraging when this doesn't happen. 

So I wanted to know why it is so difficult for some people to admit they are wrong.  After doing some research, it became clear that different people have different reasons for doing this.  I am going to list a few of these reasons.  However, this list is by no means exhaustive.

I think that most people who always insist on being right do so unconsciously. Denial of wrongdoing is a defense mechanism that kicks in automatically whenever they are accused of doing something wrong.  When you confront them with evidence that they've made a mistake they become defensive (hence the words defense mechanism).  Exactly what is it that they are defending?  They are defending their egos from overwhelming emotional tension and anxiety.  A discussion on the theory of ego defense mechanisms is beyond the scope of this little blog post.  Suffice it to say that people get defensive when asked to admit they are wrong because admitting they are wrong would deal a serious blow to their self-worth and sense of identity.  The person could be a perfectionist who equates making a mistake with being a failure.  The person might have underlying fears of being stupid or worthless; these fears are triggered when hey are accused of being wrong.  Whatever the reason, these people unconsciously view being wrong as a threat to themselves and their identities.

It is sometimes possible to reason with a person like this.  The general rule is to proceed gently and to adopt a non-accusatory tone.  You want to address the problem without attacking the person.  If the person feels like he's being attacked he is going to become defensive and you will get nowhere.  If possible, try to give some positive feedback or point out strengths before bringing up the problem.  If the person's mis-behavior seems to be a reaction to difficult external circumstances then acknowledge these circumstances.  Let him know you understand how difficult the situation is and try to brainstorm better ways to handle it.  If there is a clear way to make amends or end the conflict then let the person know this and offer to help him with whatever needs to be done.  Make sure you choose the right time and place to have the conversation.  Let the person know you want to talk and ask him if it's a good time.  If not, find out when he's available and agree to talk with him then.

What are other reasons people won't admit they are wrong?  Well, some who refuse to fess up when they've done something wrong are motivated by the desire to avoid facing negative consequences.  Maybe the mistake was an honest one or maybe it was an intentional act of wrongdoing; either way, getting caught means suffering undesirable consequences.  How to deal with this really depends on the circumstances.  Some criminals, for example, maintain their innocence even after being convicted of a crime.  Chances are, the less you are able to prove beyond doubt that the person committed an act of wrongdoing/made a mistake/etc. the less likely he is to admit that he did it.  After all, why tell the truth if there's still a chance of getting away with it?  If you have irrefutable evidence then ask yourself this: Do you really need for the person to admit guilt?  The evidence provides sufficient grounds for implementing consequences, even if the person refuses to admit he did anything wrong.

Then there are the manipulators.  These people define right and wrong a bit differently than the rest of us.  For a manipulator, something is right when it benefits him.  Something is wrong when it causes discomfort for him.  In other words, as long as an action benefits him there is nothing wrong with it. It is quite possible that the manipulator intentionally engaged in the act that you consider to be wrong in order to gain something for himself.  You cannot convince the manipulator that his actions were wrong because he simply doesn't see it that way.  If it benefits him then it's not wrong, remember?  The manipulator also has a vested interest in persuading you to accept his alternate version of reality.  His primary motivation is to get whatever he wants; it helps is he can recruit others to assist with this goal (or at least prevent them from interfering).  Manipulators are often quite charming.  A manipulator's endearing nature tends to put people at ease, which makes them more easily persuaded (i.e., manipulated).  You will never get a manipulator to admit he is wrong; do not was time trying.

As I said, this list is far from exhaustive.  If anyone has any other ideas about why people can't or won't admit when they are wrong please feel free to share.

Admitting You're Wrong

I've often wondered why it's so hard for human beings to admit when we're wrong and to accept constructive criticism from others.  I include myself in this.  I've had to work hard to learn to accept criticism without becoming defensive and still I catch myself wanting to explain it away when someone gives me negative feedback.  There's definitely ego involved.  There are times when we become so attached to our desire to be right that we don't even stop to listen to another person's point of view.  When insisting we are right or denying the validity of criticism we do it so vehemently that it almost seems as though we are fighting to protect our very identities.  And I think in some cases that's exactly what we are doing (or at least what we believe we are doing).

Identity is really only a collection of ideas each person has about him or herself.  Included in these ideas are beliefs about ourselves, beliefs about others, values that we believe we should adhere to, expectations we have of ourselves (and others) and our behaviors, etc.  Some people expect themselves not to make mistakes.  To admit to making a mistake is to admit that they aren't living up to their own expectations, i.e., that they are "not good enough."  Other people believe they should never show weakness to others.  They equate being wrong with being weak.  Thus, even if they know they are wrong they'd never admit it because to do so would make them seem weak and vulnerable.

The inability to accept criticism stems from self doubt.  Confident people accept themselves as they are.  They recognize that they have both strengths and limitations.  They accept that they are human.  Thus, when they are wrong they can admit it because they are, after all, only human.

The irony in this is that people who cannot accept constructive criticism are the very people who could benefit the most from it.  Criticism provides a person with important information about his or her personal weaknesses that he or she would probably not otherwise recognize.  This helps a person to identify areas for personal growth, which is, in my opinion, something we should all be striving for.