Defensiveness and Blame in Conflict

Over the past couple of months I've expressed frustration about how conflict is handled in my marriage.  Specifically, I've said I feel like I automatically get blamed when something goes wrong.  I started doing some research because I wanted advice on how to deal with this effectively.  I wanted my husband and I to learn to resolve conflict constructively.

Unfortunately, I didn't find the kind of advice I was looking for. While a lot of research has been done on conflict there was very little about how to respond to being verbally attacked and blamed.  I did, however, discover a few helpful tips: Avoid responding to negative emotion with negative emotion; this only escalates the conflict.  Express empathy (e.g., "I can see you are feeling hurt and angry").  And above all, try to remain calm. 

This is good advice but it seems to be asking a lot.  It is very difficult to remain calm when someone you love criticizes your very character and blames you for problems you didn't cause.  When attacked, most people automatically become defensive.  We quite naturally want to protect ourselves. A range of emotions are triggered, from fear to sadness to anger.  In the face of this emotional torrent, rational thought and clear reasoning are severely compromised. 

Not that I'm a complete hothead.  There have been times my husband blamed or criticized me that I initially remained calm.  In what seemed like a calm (but firm) voice I have replied, "Please stop blaming me."  I said things like, "It doesn't matter whose fault it is,"  "If one of us 'wins' the other loses.  That means the relationship loses," and "Let's focus on solving the problem, not on blaming each other."  My composure gradually evaporated, however, when my attempts were met with continued blame and criticism.

It occurred to me that it might be easier to remain calm and express empathy if I could understand what was motivating my husband's behavior.  You see, my husband is essentially a good man so I assumed his intent was not malicious.  Maybe there was some underlying reason for his hostility during conflict.

And so I set out to learn about "conflict behaviors."  My initial findings reinforced what I already knew: defensiveness and hostility during conflict is associated with high levels of "marital distress" and increased likelihood of divorce.  Nobody had to tell me this.  Each time a conflict went unresolved I felt a little more hopeless than the time before.  A sense of distance arose in my marriage that had not been there before.  For a marriage to work there must be away to resolve conflict. 

I then learned that "aggressive denial of responsibility" (e.g., criticism, blaming) is employed most frequently by people with fragile and/or unstable self-esteem.  I read about "contingent" self-esteem, whereby one's sense of self-worth is dependent upon maintaining certain self-imposed standards.  (What if those standards include "always being right" or "never losing an argument?"  If that were the case I was completely screwed)!

"Conflict behavior" is also related to "attachment style."  Briefly, attachment style as a concept comes from attachment theory.  Attachment theory states that an infant's relationship with his primary caregiver becomes a template for his interpersonal relationships throughout life.  A healthy, secure infant-caregiver relationship facilitates "normal" social and emotional development.  Problems in the infant-caregiver relationship disrupt social and emotional development.   Inconsistent availability and/or responsiveness to infant needs by the caregiver leads to the development of an anxious or ambivalent attachment style.  The defining feature of this attachment style is anxiety over abandonment.  Adults with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style have a higher tendency than others to display hostility during conflict, to include the use of blaming, threatening, and other verbal aggression.  When compared to adults with secure attachment, they show greater attempts to dominate conflict discussion. 

My research led me to a tentative conclusion: "defensive hostility," "criticism," "aggressive denial of responsibility," and similar "conflict escalating behaviors" stem from underlying insecurities.  (Incidentally, none of the research seems to suggest such behaviors stem primarily from "being an asshole."  So that's good news).  It is not immediately clear to me how to use this information.  Assuming my conclusion is accurate, my husband is unlikely to ever acknowledge said insecurities, perhaps not even to himself.  But perhaps just being aware will arouse my compassion in the midst of conflict.  Maybe seeing criticism as motivated by fear and anxiety will help me to take it less personally.

Guilt and shame

I've always thought of guilt and shame as two sides of the same coin.  In theory, when you do something wrong you feel guilty; when people find out about it, you feel ashamed.  Thus, one can feel guilty about something he's done even when no one else knows about it; he only feels ashamed, however, once his actions are discovered and his guilt is brought to light. 

In my mind, shame was a mixture of embarrassment and guilt brought about by having one's misdeeds made public.  I saw guilt, on the other hand, as a moral compass of sorts, one that alerts you when you've strayed too far off course.  Apparently, though, I've had it all wrong.  It turns out that people who study this type of thing think about guilt and shame quite differently.  To feel guilty is to condemn specific actions, i.e., you feel guilty about something you've done.  When, in contrast, a person feels shame he condemns himself.  In other words, I feel guilty about what I've done; I feel ashamed of who I am.

I have no problem with this perspective; it makes a certain amount of sense.  Who am I to argue with the experts?  Moving on...

Guilt is often uncomfortable and unpleasant but it also serves an important social function in that in promotes cooperation and adherence to group norms.  (Consider this: the inability to experience guilt and remorse is a characteristic of most psychopaths).  Studies show that guilt tends to motivate conciliatory behaviors and efforts at restitution.  Because it serves as an impetus for corrective action when social norms are violated, guilt facilitates the restoraction of peace and cooperation, thus enabling individuals to live and work together in communities.

Shame, on the other hand, yields very little in the way of benefits (at least according to the experts).  Whereas guilt often motivates reparative actions, shame tends to induce behaviors that are self destructive.  With guilt, the focus is on one's actions and their consequences to other people.  Shame, however, is a self-focused emotion characterized by a a sense of unworthiness and self-directed contempt.  Shame is associated with negative attributions towards oneself and is frequently accompanied by low self-esteem. 

Over time, shame leads to self loathing.  Pause for a moment: have you ever known someone who hated himself?  Think about what this person was like...

Probably very sensitive to any negative feedback.  People who carry a lot of shame tend to be very defensive.  You see, the job of the human "ego" (or sense of self, subconscious, identity, self concept, or whatever you want to call it) is to protect itself and to maintain its integrity.  Shame leads to self loathing; this poses a serious threat to the "ego."  The "ego" of someone who hates himself is under constant attack from the inside; an attack from the outside would be crippling.  So it builds up a network of defenses to protect it.  Thus the shame filled individual blames others for his mistakes and refuses to accept responsibility for his actions. We think he's just being an asshole.  The truth is, his fragile ego cannot withstand the blow of acknowledging he did something wrong; he can't even admit it to himself.  And obviously if a person can't admit he did something wrong, he certainly can't come to forgive himself...

Which is what I plan to talk about next week - self-forgiveness.

Admitting You're Wrong

I've often wondered why it's so hard for human beings to admit when we're wrong and to accept constructive criticism from others.  I include myself in this.  I've had to work hard to learn to accept criticism without becoming defensive and still I catch myself wanting to explain it away when someone gives me negative feedback.  There's definitely ego involved.  There are times when we become so attached to our desire to be right that we don't even stop to listen to another person's point of view.  When insisting we are right or denying the validity of criticism we do it so vehemently that it almost seems as though we are fighting to protect our very identities.  And I think in some cases that's exactly what we are doing (or at least what we believe we are doing).

Identity is really only a collection of ideas each person has about him or herself.  Included in these ideas are beliefs about ourselves, beliefs about others, values that we believe we should adhere to, expectations we have of ourselves (and others) and our behaviors, etc.  Some people expect themselves not to make mistakes.  To admit to making a mistake is to admit that they aren't living up to their own expectations, i.e., that they are "not good enough."  Other people believe they should never show weakness to others.  They equate being wrong with being weak.  Thus, even if they know they are wrong they'd never admit it because to do so would make them seem weak and vulnerable.

The inability to accept criticism stems from self doubt.  Confident people accept themselves as they are.  They recognize that they have both strengths and limitations.  They accept that they are human.  Thus, when they are wrong they can admit it because they are, after all, only human.

The irony in this is that people who cannot accept constructive criticism are the very people who could benefit the most from it.  Criticism provides a person with important information about his or her personal weaknesses that he or she would probably not otherwise recognize.  This helps a person to identify areas for personal growth, which is, in my opinion, something we should all be striving for.