Conflict, Argument, and Who's to Blame

A few weeks ago my husband and I had an argument.  Things got kind of ugly and both of us ended up saying some not very nice things.  After taking a few hours to regroup, we sat down to talk about what happened.  I've mentioned before that my husband has a tendency to blame me when there's conflict in our relationship.  In this particular instance, I'd clearly said and done some things that were hurtful.  I was angry over what I felt were legitimate grievances but that didn't make my behavior okay.  (Unfortunately, this was a conclusion I reached only in hindsight).

So when my husband sat down to talk things out the first thing I did was apologize.  I admitted that my actions were inexcusable.  My husband immediately agreed.  He then proceeded to list a number of grievances he had with me.  He concluded by asserting that anything he said or did that was upsetting to me was simply a natural reaction to having to deal with my bad behavior.  He went on to say that if I would stop being so difficult to deal with then everything would be fine and we would get along perfectly.

I cannot completely capture how it feels to try to resolve a conflict with someone I love, to humble myself enough to admit I was wrong and to apologize for it, only to be told that I am the root of the problem.  The most immediate emotion is anger.  It feels like a slap in the face.  I become defensive, like I have to justify myself or somehow prove my intentions are good.  I feel frustrated.  Sometimes I feel hopeless.  "What's the point of trying to fix things?" I ask myself.  "We never solve anything.  He just ends up blaming me.  Nothing changes."  On several occasions I have ended the conversation at this point.  I get pissed off and walk away.  It doesn't solve anything but sometimes walking away seems like the only good option.

In this particular instance, however, walking away would have made things worse.  So I told him it wasn't fair for him to place all the blame on me.  "So you're saying that every argument is always both people's fault?" my husband asked. 

I actually had to stop and think about this for a minute.  In any given argument, are both parties at fault?  Is this a rule that applies in all cases?  Or are there arguments where one person is clearly to blame?

"Yes," I finally decided.  "Because a disagreement doesn't have to turn into an argument," I explained.  "And it always takes two people to argue. If one person refuses to engage then you can't have an argument," I added.  I went on to qualify my statement.  "I don't think both people are always equally to blame," I said.  "There are times when one person clearly initiates an argument.  The initiator would probably bear more responsibility in that case.  But still, it takes two people to argue.  If someone tries to start an argument and the other person won't take the bait then there's no argument.  It's just one person acting like an asshole." 

It is a tricky question though.  I think most of us are inclinced to blame the other party when we get into any sort of conflict.  This isn't always a bad thing.  People are motivated to fight for something when they believe in the rightness of their cause.

It's different when the conflict is with someone you love.  The best approach is probably just to agree to disagree, whenever possible.  When this isn't possible compromise is the next best option.  Of course this means that neither party gets everything they want and that both parties have to give something up.  People are not always willing to do this. 

I also think there is something to be said for acceptance.  For example, I'm (begrudgingly) learning to accept that my husband is not going to actively participate in keeping our house neat and clean, no matter how often I ask him to help with these tasks.  And he is (slowly) learning to accept that I become irritable when I'm stressed out and that unfortunately, I get stressed out pretty easily.  Our tendency has been to get upset about these things again and again, to demand that the other change, and then to feel frustrated and disappointed when this doesn't happen.  For me, it is extremely difficult to accept that my husband won't do something I think he should do.  It makes me angry but not as much as it used to.  I try to recognize the other ways he contributes to our lives.  This is a work in progress.

The things that helped me most

About a year ago, my little sister was going through a difficult period in her life.  My heart ached for her, both because I hated to see her hurting and because I knew how she felt; I went through a very similar period in my own life several years ago.  I did all the normal things that sisters do in times like these - mostly just being there to talk and to listen - but I felt there should be something more I could do to help.  Ultimately, I decided the best way to help was to share with my sister what helped me in my own struggle.  To this end, I wrote her a letter.

I realize that just because something helped me doesn't mean it will help someone else.  But it might.  I'm not going to share the more personal tidbits of the letter I gave my sister, but I do want to share the strategies that helped me get through some pretty dark times.  So here goes:

A visual journal: I poured my heart and soul into visual journaling for about a year.  The art itself was at times mediocre; at times it was quite shitty.  The process of creating the art…it was amazing.  It was like I was literally pouring my emotions out.  They made so much more sense when I could see them on the outside (and not just inside of me, where they usually hang out).  I found a good article that explains the whole process.  Check it out:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-healing-arts/201006/cool-art-therapy-intervention-4-visual-journaling

Looking for patterns:  People tend to act out their unresolved psychological or emotional conflicts.  Look for patterns.  Look back over your life and identify any behavior or set of behaviors that have repeated themselves over and over again.  For me, this was repeatedly falling in love with emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic men.  There were all sorts of reasons for this, not all of which I have identified even now.  Still, it’s important to see the pattern and to think about what might be driving it. 

Identifying your emotional needs and not expecting one person to meet them all: I read this book once that completely blew my mind.  It was called “How to be an Adult in Relationships” by David Richo.  He says that we should not expect a partner to meet more than 25% of our emotional needs.  The rest we have to get met in other people (friends, family, coworkers, etc.) or activities (art, music, relaxation, etc.).  We also have to learn to meet some of them ourselves.  Briefly, the “5 A’s” are: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing (yourself and others to be as they are).  You should really read this book.

Pay attention to how you talk to yourself: Everybody talks to themselves, either out loud or in their heads.  When I first started working out, I remember “motivating” myself to push harder by telling myself, “Move your fat ass” or “Keep going bitch!”  I used to think to myself that maybe I was unlovable.  (I later learned that there is no such thing as unlovable, but more about that later).  Just thinking these things made me feel like shit.  Yet, I still didn’t understand why I didn’t like myself.  Here’s the deal: you have to treat yourself like you treat people you like.  You don’t go around calling your friends bitches or worthless and you shouldn’t do it to yourself.  If you want to learn to love yourself then the first thing you have to do is to be nice to yourself.  Don’t put yourself down.  (Tell yourself to shut up when you do put yourself down). 

Acceptance: Accept yourself as you are without wishing to be something or someone else.  That doesn’t mean that there aren’t things you want to work on or goals you want to achieve.  It’s always good to work to become better; just don’t do it because you think you aren’t good enough as you are.  Accepting yourself as you are is not something you can just do once and be done with it.  (I wish it were that easy).  Self acceptance is something you have to do over and over again, every time you notice that you’re unhappy with how you are. The irony of self-acceptance is this: it is not until you accept yourself as you are that you are able to change.  If you always put off being happy with who you are – I’ll be happy when I get a good job, I’ll be happy when I get my own place, etc. – then you will always end up being disappointed. Acceptance – contentment – is something that happens right now, in the moment, or not at all. 

Self-compassion: Think about how you would feel if you see someone you love suffering.  You feel for that person and offer them love, warmth, and kindness.  You don’t judge him or say to him, “See, that’s what you get,” even if his suffering is the result of his own bad decisions.  “Everyone makes mistakes,” you tell him.  “Don’t beat yourself up.  You’re only human.”  You might go out of your way to check up on your loved one or to do something nice for him because you know he’s having a hard time. This is compassion.  Most of us have no problem offering compassion to other people.  Yet when faced with our own suffering, we tend to respond in ways that are decidedly un-compassionate. Take time to acknowledge when you are hurting; don’t try to ignore it or “suck it up” in hopes that it will eventually go away.  Recognize that you are going through a difficult time and think of ways to comfort yourself.  Give yourself extra attention.  Instead of judging or criticizing yourself, give yourself permission to be human.  Making a mistake or going through a hard time is part of being human.  You don’t have to beat yourself up for it.  Some people think, “If I’m not hard on myself then I won’t learn from my mistakes.”  This is not true.  Putting yourself down doesn’t teach you a lesson, it just makes you feel like shit.  It’s not helpful.

Core beliefs: These are the things our problems are made of.  Core beliefs typically operate on a subconscious level, so most of us are not really aware of them.  There is so much going on in our external environment at any given moment that there is no way our brain could take everything in.  Our brains use our core beliefs as filters.  Information that is consistent with what we believe about ourselves, other people, and the world is deemed important and is allowed into our conscious awareness.  Information that doesn’t fit with our core beliefs is deemed unimportant and is filtered out without ever reaching our conscious awareness.  In this way, our core beliefs influence how we perceive the world around us.

People need core beliefs; we can’t function effectively without them.  Sometimes, though, people have beliefs that are extreme and distorted.  This inevitably creates problems.  The core belief that created so many problems for me was, “I am unlovable.” 

Most people suffering with depression have at least one or two unrealistic core beliefs that are contributing to their negative emotions.  It is important to identify yours so that you can work to change them.

I hope this helps!

Disappointment

It's not unusual to feel certain emotions without knowing why.  Disappointment is not one of those emotions.  When we feel disappointed, we almost always know what caused it...

Disappointment stems from positive expectations that never materialize or from desires that are left unfulfilled.  We expect something to go a certain way and it doesn't; we feel disappointed.  We want something badly but aren't able to have it; we feel disappointed. 

Ideally and over time, we can learn to transcend disappointment.  To do this, we must let go of our attachment to ideas about how things "should" be.  When we stop clinging to our expectations, we are able to accept with equanimity whatever the present moment contains. 

Many people never realize this truth.  Even among those who strive to let go of expectations, there are few who will attain this ideal.   As a result, the great majority of us will continue to experience disappointment throughout our lives -- disappointment in ourselves, in our circumstances, in outcomes, and in others.  For us, the task becomes finding a way to work through disappointment so that we can move past it. 

Disappointment is one of those emotions that can become toxic if left unaddressed.  Long term, chronic disappointment in oneself leads to feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing.  Enduring disappointment in someone close to us causes anger and resentment towards that person.  Perpetual disappointment in life or its circumstances leads to feelings of hopelessness and despair.  These emotional states can quickly develop into habitual ways of relating to ourselves, other people, and the world. 

These are all things I know and can pass on to others without difficulty.  It is one thing to know; it is another to do...which is what I am struggling with now. 

I believe that acceptance is the antidote to disappointment.  To feel disappointed is to wish the present moment to be something other than it is.  Therefore, the first step in overcoming disappointment is to accept reality as it is.

Sometimes letting go of disappointment feels like giving up.  For example, if we give up on pushing our child to work hard and be responsible (because we've had so many arguments about it but nothing ever changes) are we giving up on our child?  It can certainly feel that way. 

But isn't the pushing just a way to avoid facing our disappointment?  Isn't it our attempt to get our child to do what is right so that we can be proud of him?  Nobody wants to say, "My son dropped out of school and refuses to get a job."  To have invested so much of our time, energy, and love into raising a child who then refuses to become a productive member of society is a great disappointment.  So we refuse to accept it.  We push our child to do what is right.  We will not allow our child to fail.  It is simply not acceptable. 

What happens when we do this for months and then years without success?  We've probably had so many fights with our kid about it that he's stopped coming to visit.  We worry about it constantly and think about what else we can do to change things.  We feel angry at and resentful towards our child for letting us down.  In short, we suffer.

This is when it becomes time to accept.  Sticking with my example, the time has come to accept that our child is a bit lazy and doesn't care much about becoming a productive member of society.  Yes, it's disappointing; but once we've stopped trying to change our child and have accepted him as he is, we can then grieve the loss of what we wanted him to become. 

Making the best of a bad situation

My parents started planning a big family trip to Disney World last summer.  They traded their Virginia Beach timeshare for one in Orlando.  My mom managed to get reservations at Cinderella's Royal Table.  (For those  who, like me, know nothing about such things, Cinderella's Royal Table is an outrageously overpriced restaurant located in Cinderella's Castle at the center of the Magic Kingdom.  What makes it so exciting for the kids is that the Disney Princesses come up to your table while you eat.  For little girls under the age of 10, this is better than meeting a pop star).  Last Sunday, nine of us (my parents, me, my husband and stepdaughter, my older sister, my brother-in-law, and my two nieces) piled into two cars and made the twelve hour drive from Virginia to Orlando, FL.  About halfway into Georgia, we ran into some really heavy rain.  We weren't particularly concerned; it's not that unusual to run into rain on a long trip.  We figured we'd pass through it and back into sunshine.  We weren't all that concerned when it kept raining all the way to Orlando.  We assumed it was just a summer storm.

We didn't start to worry until we got settled in at the hotel and turned on the television.  That's when we learned that Tropical Storm Debby was stalled off of Florida's Gulf Coast.


Because the storm was basically stationary, it was projected to hang out in the Gulf for a few days and continue dumping rain on most of the state of Florida.

Forecasts called for wind and rain the entire week. My heart sank.  We'd been planning this trip for a year and now Tropical Storm Debby was going to ruin it.  I had images of the kids staring bleakly out the window at a torrential downpour of rain, crying over their shattered dreams of Disney World.

We awoke Monday morning to dark skies and relentless downpours.  I was surprised when my parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law pulled out rain ponchos for themselves and the kids.  Someone threw a poncho at me.  "Here, this one looks like it'll fit you."

I shrugged and put the poncho on.  I said nothing but thought to myself, "I can't believe we're going to Disney World in this weather."  I imagined we'd all be soaked to the bone and miserable within an hour.

In the end, it seems that I was the only one who expected Tropical Storm Debby to ruin our vacation.  Everyone else accepted the situation and adapted.  Nobody complained, not even the kids.  (I think the kids actually liked the rain.  We had to tell them more than once to stop jumping in puddles and splashing water all over everyone within a ten foot radius).  I felt a surge of pride when I looked around at all of us in our ponchos, standing in line for the Thunder Mountain Railroad as the storm raged on.  I felt it again when we all donned our ponchos and danced in the rain along with the Disney World "cast members" at the Street Party. We stayed at Disney World all day Monday.  We did it again on Tuesday.  On Wednesday, our luck changed.  Maybe fate smiled on us.  My sister said she prayed about it, so maybe it was divine intervention.  Whatever, the reason, it finally stopped raining.