Do we ever again love like the first time we fell in love? I think maybe some people do, but most of us never again love in a way that is so naive, so innocent. The first time we fall in love we give ourselves wholeheartedly without inhibitions. We've never had our hearts broken so we have no fear to hold us back. Because we lack this fear we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable. Yes, first loves (like the loves that follow) are full of projections, expectations, and fantasies. But they are pure.
After we've known the pain of heartache we never love the same way again. We hold a part of ourselves back because we are afraid to open ourselves up again to the possibility of being hurt. We come to each new relationship with our emotional baggage, making it harder and harder to attain the intimacy we desire.
I've noticed that as I get older my romantic relationships seem to become more complicated. I certainly don't allow myself to get swept away by my emotions the way I used to. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing but often I find myself holding things in because of the fear I talked about earlier. It's sad because one of the things I want most in a relationship is to be able to openly share my thoughts and feelings and to have them validated and understood.
And of course it's not just my emotional baggage making things complicated. I've been in relationships with men who have known the pain of divorce, sometimes more than once. They've had the experience of embarking on a lifelong journey with someone they loved only to have the journey cut short. They've felt the disappointment of unfulfilled expectations and shattered dreams. They've been betrayed and are afraid to trust. They've vowed not to make the same mistakes they made in the past. But sometimes the "mistakes" weren't mistakes. Sometimes the only "mistake" they made was allowing themselves to love.
These are just reflections -- I don't have any answers or suggestions. I do, however, have hope that I can eventually (and perhaps gradually) sort through my emotional baggage and go on to establish a healthy relationship with another person who is able (and willing) to do the same.
"After we've known the pain of heartache we never love the same way again. We hold a part of ourselves back because we are afraid to open ourselves up again to the possibility of being hurt. We come to each new relationship with our emotional baggage, making it harder and harder to attain the intimacy we desire." Yes, and I also think there's a place where the holding back can be dropped off, and the baggage can be let go of as well. My own experiences have shown me how often I cling to old story lines that don't reflect the present, and how that clinging and defending of "my space" - i.e. pushing away when things get difficult - has led to plenty of problems, and a definite lack of continued closeness. And those I have attracted have often been riddled with their own collection of issues around trust, and fears of repeating the past.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, I figure I just have to keep paying attention and trying to learn from what I've been through. Certainly isn't easy much of the time, but what else can you really do?
aww. This makes me want to cry. :) I totally agree with your "reflections" i think most of us really never forgets our first loves. And i agree too that we somehow carry some form of emotional baggages with us with every heart ache we experience. That is why it's harder for me to personnaly move on too and settle for just anybody. We have more expectations from relationships as we age.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely about OUR insides first... finding him/her second.
ReplyDeleteThe "baggage" you talk about must must must be sold, given away, or thrown in the garbage before you'll find THE ONE. I strongly believe, with 100% certainty that we're FOUND once we're at peace within.
Good luck with your insides.
When we were young at that stage of life were simple uncomplicated most everything complicates the mind is the cause. Creativity and imagination from pictures of Jose Ramon Thanks for the comments
ReplyDeleteGreetings