I think most of us want to be a "good person," although we all have different ideas about what that means. Personally, the thing I value most in life is my relationships with the people I love. This is where I derive my sense of purpose. To me, life is meaningful because I can share it with people I love. It quite naturally follows that my ideas about being a "good person" have to do with how I treat other people (especially the people I love). Fortunately, I tend to be very lenient with myself. I don't beat myself up or decide I'm a "bad person" if I don't feel like saying good morning to the people sharing the elevator with me. I don't even judge myself harshly if I am short with (or even rude to) a telemarketer who refuses to accept that I am not interested in buying anything. Of course I strive to be at the very least respectful to other people, but I don't necessarily feel like a "bad person" when I fall short of that standard.
What does make me feel like a bad person is when I say or do something unkind or hurtful to someone I love. (Why does it seem like the people I love are also the people I am most likely to treat unkindly)? It is extremely rare for me to be intentionally hurtful or unkind, especially to people I care about. I do, however, occasionally do this unintentionally.
You see, I am a rather moody person. This is especially true when I am tired or under a lot of stress. Over the years, I've gotten pretty good at recognizing when I am feeling tired or stressed out. This allows me to avoid being around people during these periods or to at least let them know that I'm in a bad mood and to apologize in advance for being less than friendly. This works out well for most people most of the time.
About a year and a half ago, however, I got married. It is extremely difficult to simply avoid interacting with my husband when I'm tired or stressed (it's possible sometimes, but definitely not all the time). I try to let my husband know when I'm in a bad mood. Sometimes, though, I'm under a lot of stress for an extended period of time; I know it must get old for my husband to hear from me every day that I'm in a bad mood and don't want to be bothered. I wonder if there are times when he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me.
And, of course, there are times when I snap at him or even yell at him just because I'm feeling irritable. With everyone else in my life, I can structure my time in such a way that most of the time we spend together ends up being pleasant and enjoyable. Not so with my husband. He is with me at my best and my worst. What I've discovered that perhaps I didn't realize before we got married is that me at my worst is really ugly. There is this side of me that is impatient, demanding, intolerant, and unyielding. This part of me wants everything my way and only my way. She is selfish and lacks empathy. She is inconsiderate and short tempered.
Who is this person? I don't like the inevitable answer: she's me. Or at least she's a part of me. But she's a part of me I don't like at all and when she comes out, it makes me feel like a bad person.
I suppose this is what is meant by the "shadow self." If so, then I've taken an important first step; I've forced my "shadow self" out of the shadows and into my conscious awareness. I've taken ownership of the parts of myself that I don't like. I haven't quite figured out what to do next, but I know I'll keep working on it. I will keep you posted.
Showing posts with label self-improvement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-improvement. Show all posts
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Motivation and Emotion
"I'm not sure if I really need this treatment," a patient recently told me. "I'm feeling a lot better than I was," he explained. I looked at the symptom checklist he'd filled out before our session. "According to this, you're still feeling anxious and on guard, you're still getting angry a lot, you're still not comfortable going anywhere that's crowded, and you're still having trouble sleeping," I pointed out. My patient laughed. "You have a good point," he said.
The following week I checked in with him. "You were having some doubts about whether you needed the treatment," I recalled. "How are you feeling about that now?" The patient again expressed doubt, stating that he really is feeling a lot better. "I'm to the point where I can contain the anxiety," he explained.
This happens a lot: a person starts to feel a little better and decides he doesn't need treatment anymore. Granted, feeling better can be an indication that a patient's issues are resolved and that treatment can be terminated. More often than not, however, feeling better simply removes the motivation to continue treatment; as a result, problems are left unresolved only to resurface again at some point in the future.
So what does motivate a person to invest in treatment? Most people are motivated by emotional pain (sadness, grief, anger, anxiety, etc.). More accurately, people tend to be motivated by their desire to be rid of emotional pain. As long as the pain is there, they are willing to do the work of therapy. Once the pain abates a little bit, the focus of therapy often shifts from acute symptoms to trying to get to the root of the problem. This can mean working to change deeply ingrained mental and behavioral habits. It is often a lot of work and without the pain, many people lack the motivation.
Ironically, a patient's emotional pain can be helpful to the therapist as well. A person in pain is more likely to reveal his thoughts; these provide powerful clues as to what factors might be driving the patient's symptoms. I find that, in therapy, people tend to be very short-sighted. They tend to focus on their present experiences and their experiences from the recent past. It is not unusual for a patient to come to my office and say, "I've been feeling good for the past few weeks. I don't really have anything to talk about." It then falls upon me to try to help the patient recall the times in his life when he was not feeling good, to identify what these times have in common, and to explore what ultimately helped him to recover so that he can use these strategies again in the future. Typically, however, when a person feels good he does not want to think about feeling bad. He doesn't want to remember; he wants to forget.
I an not trying to glorify emotional pain. I am simply making the point that even negative emotions can be useful. How many people would work to change and improve themselves in the absence of emotional pain? Sure, there would be some; most, though, would have no motivation to do so.
The following week I checked in with him. "You were having some doubts about whether you needed the treatment," I recalled. "How are you feeling about that now?" The patient again expressed doubt, stating that he really is feeling a lot better. "I'm to the point where I can contain the anxiety," he explained.
This happens a lot: a person starts to feel a little better and decides he doesn't need treatment anymore. Granted, feeling better can be an indication that a patient's issues are resolved and that treatment can be terminated. More often than not, however, feeling better simply removes the motivation to continue treatment; as a result, problems are left unresolved only to resurface again at some point in the future.
So what does motivate a person to invest in treatment? Most people are motivated by emotional pain (sadness, grief, anger, anxiety, etc.). More accurately, people tend to be motivated by their desire to be rid of emotional pain. As long as the pain is there, they are willing to do the work of therapy. Once the pain abates a little bit, the focus of therapy often shifts from acute symptoms to trying to get to the root of the problem. This can mean working to change deeply ingrained mental and behavioral habits. It is often a lot of work and without the pain, many people lack the motivation.
Ironically, a patient's emotional pain can be helpful to the therapist as well. A person in pain is more likely to reveal his thoughts; these provide powerful clues as to what factors might be driving the patient's symptoms. I find that, in therapy, people tend to be very short-sighted. They tend to focus on their present experiences and their experiences from the recent past. It is not unusual for a patient to come to my office and say, "I've been feeling good for the past few weeks. I don't really have anything to talk about." It then falls upon me to try to help the patient recall the times in his life when he was not feeling good, to identify what these times have in common, and to explore what ultimately helped him to recover so that he can use these strategies again in the future. Typically, however, when a person feels good he does not want to think about feeling bad. He doesn't want to remember; he wants to forget.
I an not trying to glorify emotional pain. I am simply making the point that even negative emotions can be useful. How many people would work to change and improve themselves in the absence of emotional pain? Sure, there would be some; most, though, would have no motivation to do so.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Intuition
Intuition is a primarily unconscious process; we are not aware of it happening as it is taking place. We have accumulated a great body of knowledge from our past experiences; this knowledge is stored in our long term memory. When faced with a given situation, we subconsciously evaluate it to identify its most important elements. We compare these elements with any similar or related pieces of information stored in our long term memory reserves. Again, all of this takes place outside of our conscious awareness. What we are consciously aware of is the outcome of the intuitive process: a "gut feeling."
It is difficult, if not impossible, to rationally analyze intuition. In fact, when a person has made a choice based on intuition, he is usually not able to explain why he made that choice. Just because it is not amenable to rational analysis, however, does not mean that intuition is an irrational process. In fact, research has shown that how reliable your intuition is in a given subject area depends upon the degree of your past knowledge and experience in that area. Reliable intuition, then, is gained from experience. The more experience you have in a given area, the more you can use your intuition in related situations to guide decision making.
When I decided to write about intuition, what I really wanted to know was how a person can go about improving his or her intuition. It seems the most obvious way is through experience, which takes time. Outside of this, I was not able to find very much information about how to improve intuition. I therefore decided that I should try to generate my own suggestions for doing this.
Everyone has intuition. We differ in how readily we recognize it, how comfortable we are with it, and how confident we are of its reliability. There are definitely people who rely too heavily on their intuition; there are also people who completely ignore their "gut feelings."
It seems logical to me that the first step in developing one's intuition is to start to recognize the product of the intuitive process (i.e., a "gut feeling") whenever it occurs. Pay attention to the times when you "have a feeling" about something but can't really say why. Take notice when you have a strong negative or positive reaction to someone or something without understanding why. Make a conscious effort to attend to your initial impressions of people and places. Notice your hunches, especially those that ultimately prove to be accurate. Become familiar with the physical sensations that accompany your "gut feelings."
The next step in improving intuition would be to begin to use it as information when you are making decisions. This doesn't necessarily mean to start "following your gut" in everything you do. Rather, you should simply be aware of what your "gut" is telling you about a given situation.
When considering your "gut feeling" as information when you make decisions, it is important to be aware of your weaknesses. You need to be aware of your weaknesses so you can determine exactly how to use the information provided by you "gut feeling." Know what your weaknesses are. If you have a tendency to consistently over-react to a certain type of situation then your "gut feeling" about this type of situation is probably an over-reaction. This is important information. Recognize that your intuition is probably skewing your judgment. Either adjust your actions accordingly or seek feedback from someone you trust before deciding what to do. If you have a history of being attracted to the wrong types of friends or romantic partners then be aware of this; you might consider doing the exact opposite of what your intuition suggests in this type of situation. In short, recognize the areas in which your intuition is not likely to be reliable. That doesn't mean to ignore your "gut feeling" in these areas; you can still use it as information, even if that information is, "I should probably do the opposite of what I feel in this situation."
Also be aware of your strengths. Do not, however, be over-confident. People who are right 9 times out of 10 are still wrong 10% of the time. The more strongly you believe in the "rightness" of your decision the more resistant you will be to feedback that suggests your decision was, in fact, wrong. This makes it more difficult to identify and correct your mistakes.
What are your suggestions for improving intuition?
It is difficult, if not impossible, to rationally analyze intuition. In fact, when a person has made a choice based on intuition, he is usually not able to explain why he made that choice. Just because it is not amenable to rational analysis, however, does not mean that intuition is an irrational process. In fact, research has shown that how reliable your intuition is in a given subject area depends upon the degree of your past knowledge and experience in that area. Reliable intuition, then, is gained from experience. The more experience you have in a given area, the more you can use your intuition in related situations to guide decision making.
When I decided to write about intuition, what I really wanted to know was how a person can go about improving his or her intuition. It seems the most obvious way is through experience, which takes time. Outside of this, I was not able to find very much information about how to improve intuition. I therefore decided that I should try to generate my own suggestions for doing this.
Everyone has intuition. We differ in how readily we recognize it, how comfortable we are with it, and how confident we are of its reliability. There are definitely people who rely too heavily on their intuition; there are also people who completely ignore their "gut feelings."
It seems logical to me that the first step in developing one's intuition is to start to recognize the product of the intuitive process (i.e., a "gut feeling") whenever it occurs. Pay attention to the times when you "have a feeling" about something but can't really say why. Take notice when you have a strong negative or positive reaction to someone or something without understanding why. Make a conscious effort to attend to your initial impressions of people and places. Notice your hunches, especially those that ultimately prove to be accurate. Become familiar with the physical sensations that accompany your "gut feelings."
The next step in improving intuition would be to begin to use it as information when you are making decisions. This doesn't necessarily mean to start "following your gut" in everything you do. Rather, you should simply be aware of what your "gut" is telling you about a given situation.
When considering your "gut feeling" as information when you make decisions, it is important to be aware of your weaknesses. You need to be aware of your weaknesses so you can determine exactly how to use the information provided by you "gut feeling." Know what your weaknesses are. If you have a tendency to consistently over-react to a certain type of situation then your "gut feeling" about this type of situation is probably an over-reaction. This is important information. Recognize that your intuition is probably skewing your judgment. Either adjust your actions accordingly or seek feedback from someone you trust before deciding what to do. If you have a history of being attracted to the wrong types of friends or romantic partners then be aware of this; you might consider doing the exact opposite of what your intuition suggests in this type of situation. In short, recognize the areas in which your intuition is not likely to be reliable. That doesn't mean to ignore your "gut feeling" in these areas; you can still use it as information, even if that information is, "I should probably do the opposite of what I feel in this situation."
Also be aware of your strengths. Do not, however, be over-confident. People who are right 9 times out of 10 are still wrong 10% of the time. The more strongly you believe in the "rightness" of your decision the more resistant you will be to feedback that suggests your decision was, in fact, wrong. This makes it more difficult to identify and correct your mistakes.
What are your suggestions for improving intuition?
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Meaning from Suffering
I believe it is often essential to find meaning in suffering before you can move past it. When I say this to people, their typical response is, "How am I supposed to do that?" There is no universal answer to that question. Still, I believe it is vital for a person who is suffering to find a satisfactory answer before he or she can move beyond his or her pain.
A lot of my patients are people who have experienced some sort of trauma. Some of these patients are able to "recover" from the symptoms caused by their trauma (or traumas); some patients are not. Some patients seem to fall into despair. One thing I've noticed about those who fall into despair is that they often view their suffering as meaningless. When they look back on the trauma and consider the pain they have endured and how much they have struggled as a result they conclude that they are somehow being punished or that they are irrevocably damaged. They say to themselves, "All of this pain, all of this suffering, and for what? For nothing!"
So how can a person grow from his struggles? How can he look at a terrible experience and see a silver lining? Again, every person must answer this question for himself. Still, there are some common "categories of meaning-making." These "domains" were developed after an extensive review of the research on posttraumatic growth and were ultimately incorporated into something called the Posttraumatic Growth Inventory (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996). They are:
1. An increased appreciation for life (especially its simple pleasures) and a change in priorities: I've heard survivors of potentially terminal illnesses (like cancer) talk about appreciating a sunset for the first time. Minor irritations and petty squabbles no longer seem important. Time with family and friends seems more precious and is therefore appreciated more.
2. Closer, more intimate relationships with others: People might rally around a person who has experienced a trauma, offering love and support; this can lead to closer relationships with these people. In addition, people who have had similar traumatic experiences (e.g., rape victims, children of alcoholic parents, bereaved parents, etc.) often find particular comfort from one another. This can lead to a whole new network of mutually supportive relationships based on common past experiences.
3. A greater sense of personal strength: After surviving a trauma, a person might conclude, "If I can survive that, I can survive anything!" You can't really know how strong you are until you are faced with a situation that forces you to tap into your inner strength. You might find that you are stronger in a crisis than you thought you would be.
4. Recognition of new possibilities or paths for one's life: Sometimes an event changes a person's life so completely that he is forced to change paths. In his quest to renegotiate his goals for the future, a person might find himself considering possibilities that had never before come to mind.
5. Spiritual development: Perhaps you've heard the saying, "There are no atheists in foxholes." People often look to a higher power when confronted with a life or death situation. Sometimes, when faced with his own mortality, a person begins to seriously consider some of life's existential questions. This in and of itself can be a profoundly spiritual process.
Just some things to consider...
A lot of my patients are people who have experienced some sort of trauma. Some of these patients are able to "recover" from the symptoms caused by their trauma (or traumas); some patients are not. Some patients seem to fall into despair. One thing I've noticed about those who fall into despair is that they often view their suffering as meaningless. When they look back on the trauma and consider the pain they have endured and how much they have struggled as a result they conclude that they are somehow being punished or that they are irrevocably damaged. They say to themselves, "All of this pain, all of this suffering, and for what? For nothing!"
So how can a person grow from his struggles? How can he look at a terrible experience and see a silver lining? Again, every person must answer this question for himself. Still, there are some common "categories of meaning-making." These "domains" were developed after an extensive review of the research on posttraumatic growth and were ultimately incorporated into something called the Posttraumatic Growth Inventory (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996). They are:
1. An increased appreciation for life (especially its simple pleasures) and a change in priorities: I've heard survivors of potentially terminal illnesses (like cancer) talk about appreciating a sunset for the first time. Minor irritations and petty squabbles no longer seem important. Time with family and friends seems more precious and is therefore appreciated more.
2. Closer, more intimate relationships with others: People might rally around a person who has experienced a trauma, offering love and support; this can lead to closer relationships with these people. In addition, people who have had similar traumatic experiences (e.g., rape victims, children of alcoholic parents, bereaved parents, etc.) often find particular comfort from one another. This can lead to a whole new network of mutually supportive relationships based on common past experiences.
3. A greater sense of personal strength: After surviving a trauma, a person might conclude, "If I can survive that, I can survive anything!" You can't really know how strong you are until you are faced with a situation that forces you to tap into your inner strength. You might find that you are stronger in a crisis than you thought you would be.
4. Recognition of new possibilities or paths for one's life: Sometimes an event changes a person's life so completely that he is forced to change paths. In his quest to renegotiate his goals for the future, a person might find himself considering possibilities that had never before come to mind.
5. Spiritual development: Perhaps you've heard the saying, "There are no atheists in foxholes." People often look to a higher power when confronted with a life or death situation. Sometimes, when faced with his own mortality, a person begins to seriously consider some of life's existential questions. This in and of itself can be a profoundly spiritual process.
Just some things to consider...
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