Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Ever since I was a kid the thought of eternity has scared me.  I remember wondering what heaven will be like and getting this sinking feeling in the very pit of my stomach when I considered the fact that, once there, time just goes on and on and on without end.  I still get that same sense of uneasiness when I think about it today.  Ironically, I don't feel at all uncomfortable when I think about spending eternity here on earth.  In fact, I would be just fine with life going on and on and on without any interference from death.  Because the concept of eternity only scares me when I think about spending it somewhere I've never been I must conclude that it's not really eternity I'm afraid of. 

If it's not everlasting life that scares me then what is it?  I think part of it is the great unknown.  No one knows for sure what happens to a person after he or she dies, although there are countless theories about this.  What I want to know (well, ONE of the things I want to know) is if I will be with the people I love.  Spending eternity without the people I love would be hell, not heaven.  In the past, what has sustained me after the death of a loved one is my firm belief that I will see them again someday.  I cannot envision eterntiy being a pleasant experience without my loved ones there. 

Death scares me, again because of the unknown that follows it.  I'm afraid of simply disappearing from existence -- of no longer being me.  This is clear evidence of my attachment to ego -- it's hard to work towards "no self" while fearing it at the same time.

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