Sunday, October 23, 2011

Why some people always insist on being right

All of us have probably known or at least encountered someone who is simply unable to accept responsibility when he makes a mistake or to admit when he is wrong.  We have probably all, at some point, known the frustration of dealing with someone who is "always right" and "never wrong."  We may have experienced the futility of trying to reason with someone like this; even when presented with irrefutable evidence to the contrary, the person continues to insist that he is right.  In situations where it is apparent that a mistake has been made (or an offense has been committed), he will blame someone else; it is NEVER his fault.  If backed into a corner, a "never wrong-er" will, for example, insist that his behavior was a justified response to being abused or treated unfairly.  (i.e., Yes, he was wrong, but it wasn't really his fault).  A person like this will not even accept responsibility for his own emotions; he will, for example, insist, "Well he shouldn't have made me angry."

Nobody likes to admit to being wrong.  However, most of us recognize that it sometimes need to be done and we do it, even if we don't want to.  So what makes the people who cannot or will not admit to being wrong different from the rest of us?  Is there away to get them to acknowledge when they are wrong and to admit when they've made a mistake?

I started thinking about this because of my own frustration dealing with someone who insist on always being right.  For me, the worst thing about having a conflict with this person is that since he is "always right" then I always have to be wrong.  I quickly started to resent being blamed for every problem that arises.  Like most people, it's very hard for me to admit when I've done something wrong.  Sometimes it takes a little while for me to recognize that I've made a mistake.  Whenever someone I care about points a finger at me to tell me I'm wrong, however, I always take some time to think about it and to reconsider my actions.  If, after consideration (and sometimes even consultation with someone I trust), I see that I've done something wrong then I admit it.  I apologize and try to identify what I need to do to avoid making the same mistake again.  Ideally, the other person involved in the conflict will also examine his behaviors and will accept responsibility for whatever part he played in the situation.  It is discouraging when this doesn't happen. 

So I wanted to know why it is so difficult for some people to admit they are wrong.  After doing some research, it became clear that different people have different reasons for doing this.  I am going to list a few of these reasons.  However, this list is by no means exhaustive.

I think that most people who always insist on being right do so unconsciously. Denial of wrongdoing is a defense mechanism that kicks in automatically whenever they are accused of doing something wrong.  When you confront them with evidence that they've made a mistake they become defensive (hence the words defense mechanism).  Exactly what is it that they are defending?  They are defending their egos from overwhelming emotional tension and anxiety.  A discussion on the theory of ego defense mechanisms is beyond the scope of this little blog post.  Suffice it to say that people get defensive when asked to admit they are wrong because admitting they are wrong would deal a serious blow to their self-worth and sense of identity.  The person could be a perfectionist who equates making a mistake with being a failure.  The person might have underlying fears of being stupid or worthless; these fears are triggered when hey are accused of being wrong.  Whatever the reason, these people unconsciously view being wrong as a threat to themselves and their identities.

It is sometimes possible to reason with a person like this.  The general rule is to proceed gently and to adopt a non-accusatory tone.  You want to address the problem without attacking the person.  If the person feels like he's being attacked he is going to become defensive and you will get nowhere.  If possible, try to give some positive feedback or point out strengths before bringing up the problem.  If the person's mis-behavior seems to be a reaction to difficult external circumstances then acknowledge these circumstances.  Let him know you understand how difficult the situation is and try to brainstorm better ways to handle it.  If there is a clear way to make amends or end the conflict then let the person know this and offer to help him with whatever needs to be done.  Make sure you choose the right time and place to have the conversation.  Let the person know you want to talk and ask him if it's a good time.  If not, find out when he's available and agree to talk with him then.

What are other reasons people won't admit they are wrong?  Well, some who refuse to fess up when they've done something wrong are motivated by the desire to avoid facing negative consequences.  Maybe the mistake was an honest one or maybe it was an intentional act of wrongdoing; either way, getting caught means suffering undesirable consequences.  How to deal with this really depends on the circumstances.  Some criminals, for example, maintain their innocence even after being convicted of a crime.  Chances are, the less you are able to prove beyond doubt that the person committed an act of wrongdoing/made a mistake/etc. the less likely he is to admit that he did it.  After all, why tell the truth if there's still a chance of getting away with it?  If you have irrefutable evidence then ask yourself this: Do you really need for the person to admit guilt?  The evidence provides sufficient grounds for implementing consequences, even if the person refuses to admit he did anything wrong.

Then there are the manipulators.  These people define right and wrong a bit differently than the rest of us.  For a manipulator, something is right when it benefits him.  Something is wrong when it causes discomfort for him.  In other words, as long as an action benefits him there is nothing wrong with it. It is quite possible that the manipulator intentionally engaged in the act that you consider to be wrong in order to gain something for himself.  You cannot convince the manipulator that his actions were wrong because he simply doesn't see it that way.  If it benefits him then it's not wrong, remember?  The manipulator also has a vested interest in persuading you to accept his alternate version of reality.  His primary motivation is to get whatever he wants; it helps is he can recruit others to assist with this goal (or at least prevent them from interfering).  Manipulators are often quite charming.  A manipulator's endearing nature tends to put people at ease, which makes them more easily persuaded (i.e., manipulated).  You will never get a manipulator to admit he is wrong; do not was time trying.

As I said, this list is far from exhaustive.  If anyone has any other ideas about why people can't or won't admit when they are wrong please feel free to share.

16 comments:

  1. Great post, but man, consider changing the way your font is laid out on the black background. It really hurts the eyes and it makes it very hard to read. Great insights, though!

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  2. You're talking about Narcisscist Personality Disorder aren't you - because this is a very good breakdown of the characteristics?

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  3. You are right, Lynette. This individual did a phenomenal job of describing a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am a psychotherapist. It is all about them. They do not see others' points of view and don't even realize that others can have different ones than them.

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  4. I am not a psychotherapist. I don't even have a collage degree. However I am married to a women who is never wrong, about anything, ever, and her father is exactly the same. They are not narcissist though. Narcissist are full of themselves, aren't they? Neither my wife or her father think very highly of themselves. I love my wife very much and her father can be very caring and generous as long as you never disagree with them. Living with someone like this is very difficult because even the smallest confrontation can quickly escalate into an all out battle until you submit or just disengage.

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    1. I am married to a woman like this too

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    2. I am married to a man like this. Have been for 20 years.....if this keeps up however cannot honestly say I will continue in this marriage because each time we fight about this (is usually over something so insignificant) the resentment is more intense and more difficult to get over) Coupled with alcoholism is getting to the point of "IM DONE"

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  5. Excellent descriptions - esp of the manipulators. Principally I agree more about your explanation that manipulators are never wrong - e.g. "He offered to help me?" me: "Really? did he say Gracious, what a flipping mess your roof is?" And the Manipulator feels totally ENTITLED to elicit the builder's help by saying "It's SO hard for a woman living on her own to find a decent builder, and I haven't got much money..." So, yes he offered - but the Manipulator left out WHAT made him offer!! I cannot feel warmly towards people like this - and one excellent point you have also made, is that M will recount the story to friends to elicit their support and reassurance that they have been hard done by (when the Builder screws up!!), whereas their long-suffering victims are the kindly helpful people who have got caught in the Manipulator's charming trap!!!

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  6. Excellent article, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I agree with you especially concerning the people who want to be always right by using their "ego defense mechanisms". This is really a big issue in many relationships whether between family members, friends and even at work, a big trap that causes conflicts for no reason.

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  7. Good article. I've been with my boyfriend for three years and not yet have I gotten anything from him that he is wring about anything. He always says he can't remember. And it doesn't help that his parents always blame everything that he does on everybody else including me. I don't always like to admit when I'm wrong either so I get it. But it just seems that he can always remember when I was in the wrong but he never remember when he is. And I guess it doesn't help that we literally live in his parents back yard.

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  8. These are toxic people that if the severity of the behavior bad enough can wreck serious havoc on one's life. They are even a detriment to themselves. If you can, get out. Run for the hills! Protect your sanity.

    Was out driving tonight and the thought came to mind. This is ingrained like the coarse of a river that can't be altered without considerable effort on their behalf. I am in a situation not easy to get out with someone who always has to be "right" leaving me wondering in disbelief most days if his sole aim om life is to disagree all the time. Think it amounts mostly to insecurity.

    I've attempted to learn new skills to improve what's been going on but it doesn't help much at all. It is so frustrating....I find myself having to do dumb, stupid things experiencing the consequences again and again that it's just about all that I can take!

    If there is anyone out there reading this who does this who must be right all the time, please get help for yourself. Maybe, your experiences and how you've been treated taught you to be critical and disagreeable. It is OKAY to not know everything. Feeling intimidated by another's intelligence isn't worth ruining yours and other's lives.

    Some things are just as if not more important than how smart we are. Namely, LOVE and self respect.

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    1. I really liked your insight. Very well thought out - non-changing river. However with the same analogy this river can overflow its banks and spill/hurt other in the process. This certainly is about ego and someone who exist in a world where he needs constant justification, someone very spiritually undeveloped and I am not talking here about any organized religion. For people who are with these energy drainers take a look at the concept of painbody and Eckhart Tolle teachings and if you wish to have peace in your life, find another partner.

      I have a friend like this that basically demands I agree with things and I had enough. When he terrorized a neighbor by starting a lawn mover at 8 am on Sunday he insisted he is 'within law'. I said that maybe he was right but he certainly lost the war and it was not neighborly thing to do. He started to wiggle - well this neighbors are students, they are always problems. Then again, when asked what problems they have caused he said none but continue to generalize. He was working himself up in a frenzy and I was getting quite upset and I said I need to get off the phone, then he accused me of being 'disagreable'. I said yes, I do disagree with you, you might have been within your legal rights but you still were a jerk and are continuing to justify it. Sadly this person has many good qualities but in the past with this behaviour he caused me upset that caused a heart attack. I did not speak to him in years and looks like after coming back after so many years it took him just a few months to be him old self. I will minimize him to nothing. Because of people like him I almost die, so hopefully this is a lesson for the others (and of course for me). These kind of people are human equivalent of toxin.

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  9. I can at times have these traits. However as I am aware I try to keep a check on it, often I tell myself relax its OK to be wrong. I became more aware when I realised my new partner is exactly the same. Problem is, she isnt aware. What do I do?

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  10. You will also notice that along with the absolute need to be always right, a person will have a backup plan in case the evidence is too much against. Mysterious illnesses or other elements that causes sympathy from the people frustrated with this type of person. Along with an overwhelming desire to always be in charge even if hat means an inferior experience. Choosing sympathetic partners in life and the ever-popular statement that they were never given a chance in life to excuse them from their non-achievements. Beware of these people; they are sophisticated parasites, willing to go to whatever lengths to secure an easy living, from their work or in their relationships. If you can, don’t engage with them other than at the most superficial level for they cannot handle sincerity as to be honest and sincere in return goes against their narcissistic self magnitude. Their Sociopathic charm will attract people to them but this is usually for their own ends, to test their chances of manipulating something from others. They mean to win at all costs and will encourage others to their way of thinking either by continual rant until others simply give in or the make believe ailment to generate sympathy as a distraction. They are not capable of love or positive emotion unless it’s about them as they see the world around them as theirs to manipulate. Even when caught out in a lie, they will manipulate or frustrate the truth till it meets their requirements, sincerity is not in their bag of tools and they are content to live this way till death as anything else is unthinkable to them. They make excellent civil servants and can convince that thousands of jobs have been created when nothing like it is happening. The only way to deal with this type of person is to be honest and unimpeachable in anything you do, this tends to leave them with nothing to manipulate and they will simply busy themselves elsewhere if they aren’t able to change the subject or remain silent till an opportunity presents that allows them to turn the attention to themselves in some way. The sad thing is, it is their own behaviour that ultimately eats them up and makes them miserable. That’s what they are but what we have to be is patient, understanding and loving if it is at all possible. This is an illness to which there is no cure except the will of good folk everywhere to know that sometimes, our brethren need us more than they know. So be it. May you all attempt the best of lives possible.

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  11. This is unreal. I would swear you are talking about the person, who I have had to deal with. Only change it from a he to a she. Her whole thing was she wanted everyone to feel sorry for her. She would cause problems with anyone & everyone who didn't agree with her. It was literately one thing after another. I just got exhausted. The main reason for me even putting up with her, was because she had really great children. The two oldest suffered the most. Her oldest daughter was basically told that the Mom (the manipulator) & the Step dad (the enabler) were going to make her life a living hell until she moved out. The reason I know this is because I heard her say it. I was just floored that someone could say the things she did about her own child & how she allowed the Step Dad to say the horrible things he said. Then once the daughter left the house, it was her (the daughter) friend from schools fault that she had left. I know, it didn't make any since to me either. She called the daughter's friend all kinds of names, even at a PTO meeting, well once the principal found out. she kicked the mom (manipulator) out of the PTO. I still stayed in it. I mean come on, were adults (or at least I thought) but the mom would just keep on with one thing after another. I finally told both of them, that they need to sit down & just have it out, get everything out in the open, because that was her only Daughter & blah blah blah, you know what you would think any good friend would say. So a few days later after listening to her whine & cry & complain & threaten to sue them & then sue her.. the list goes on and on.
    So when I finally heard from her, she just gloated on how she finally had her daughter come over & how they just hashed it out. OKay, not only did she not use the same exact words that I did when I told her that is what she needed to do, she was now back in good terms with her daughter & she was just in love with her new boyfriend. Which not 2 day's prior he was a drug dealer, burglar & was gong to corrupt her daughter. Okay, great they are all a good happy family. Oh course that didn't last long, because it seems the child she's not picking on & making their life a living hell, she is doing it to the other.
    Well needless to say, the second child (he's a boy 17yrs old- the daughter is 18yrs) so she was just acting like a fool this morning & showing her true colors & I hadn't had to talk to her in over 2 weeks & it was so nice & everything was so calm in my house hold again. So, anyway for some reason the mother called the police & I don't know what. So the first time in 2 weeks she first tried to call me & I didn't answer. I had kids to get to school. I don't have time to speak to her. Then I finally text her. She kept asking me where her son had gotten a cell phone that I had given to her son, because they had burnt everything else they gave him (iphone,computer, & lord know's what else) But they usually beat the kids too, with whatever they can find. The last time was a cable cord from a computer & they left a scare. (think what kind of scar this child will have when he get's older)
    Honestly I could go on & on with my own blog. But I'm not a Therapist or Licensed in any of this. I guess its just weird how everything you wrote about his this woman to a T. I honestly think she needs mental help, but how do you tell someone she's mental that is always right.

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  12. My butthole stinks

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  13. I have encountered the egotistical know it all personality my whole career. It is sooo frustrating for me because intelligence does not come easy for me; nor does good self esteem. I have worked very very hard for whatever success in life I do have. And it makes me so angry when people at work always have to be right. Makes me feel like if they are always right, then I am always wrong. Thus, there goes any sense of self worth I have. I often "suck up" to these people because in fact, I feel if they insist that they are right, they must be, Then I kick myself for being such a people pleaser and a dumbass. I am really in a bad way and want to quit my job.

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