Attachment

So I was just talking with the special person in my life and he mentioned that he will probably be moving out of the area.  I've known this since I met him but I've tried not to think about it and to enjoy the time we have together.  Still, when he mentioned it it made me feel immensely sad.  I'm afraid of losing him.  Fear of losing someone or something is a sure sign of attachment to that person or thing. So I'm just allowing myself to feel sad and scared for now -- giving myself attention and permission to feel my feelings.   

Attachment and Acceptance -- Saying I Love You

So I'm debating whether or not I should utter those three words that change everything to my special someone.  In considering this I've thought a lot about why I want to tell him I love him.  My initial thought was that I want to tell him because I want him to know.  So I asked myself why I want him to know.  I didn't immediately have an answer to this question so I looked at what's stopping me from telling him.  That's easy -- I'm afraid of saying "I love you" and being met with absolute silence in response.  It would go something like this:

Me: "I love you."
Him: Awkward silence.
Me: Awkward silence.

I realized that if he doesn't feel the same way about me I would feel completely rejected.  Which made me realize that I want to say "I love you" because I want his acceptance.  In other words, my fear of rejection stems from my desire for acceptance.  This leads me to conclude that I want to say "I love you" for selfish reasons -- because I want him to love me too.  Which suggests that my feelings are more about attachment -- that is to say, the focus is on him meeting my needs, not on me loving him for who he is. 

To me, this means that I'm not ready to tell him I love him.  I think I should wait  until I can say with certainty that I love him for him, not for the needs I want him to meet for me.  How will I know when this moment has arrived?  I suppose I will know when I am no longer afraid that he will not feel the same way -- when it no longer matters how he feels about me at all.  I wonder if this moment will ever come.

Recommended book by Cheri Huber

http://www.livingcompassion.org/keepitsimple/howyoudo.html

This is one of the best self-help/self-exploration books I've ever come across.  I'm working my way through it now.  The exercises really make you think about yourself, the things you do, and why you do them.

Mindful breathing

So today I heard my mindfulness bell go off right before I got in the shower.  The mindfulness bell is a great tool I downloaded from this website: www.minfulness.dc.org/mindfulclock.html  You can set it to chime randomly or at certain times.  I leave my computer on most of the time and have it set to chime randomly every  hour.  The bell serves as a reminder to take a moment to simply be in the present moment.  I usually do this by taking 30 seconds or so to focus on my breathing.  Now I have a pretty active mind -- I'm constantly thinking about something.  The idea of trying to focus your mind on whatever is happening in the present moment is very difficult for most people because the mind instinctively wanders; this is definitely the case for me.  It helps for me to have words I can repeat in my mind while I'm breathing; this gives my mind something active to do and helps to prevent it from wandering.  When I practice mindful breathing I close my eyes.  While I inhale I say in my mind, "Breathing in, I breathe in."  As I exhale I say to myself, "Breathing out, I breathe out."  This helps me to fully focus on my breath, which grounds me in the present moment.  What a refreshing way to start the day!

Mindfulness Handout -- Surfing the Waves

Mindfulness Handout -- Why Mindfulness?

Mindfulness Handout -- What is Mindfulness

I created a bunch of mindfulness handouts to use with my patients.  If anyone would like a copy let me know and I'll email this or any of the others I post in the original Microsoft Publisher format.

Remembering to be mindful of positive feelings too

I'm finding that I often forget to practice mindfulness when I'm experiencing positive feelings -- I tend to use it as a coping mechanism to help me deal with negative emotions.  It's possible that I might not be the only one who does this so I thought I'd remind everyone to take a moment to be mindfully present when you're feeling good too!

Here are a few quotes:

"People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong.  Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?"

-Thich Nhat Hanh
This is what I was just talking about in my post!!!  I think it should be my mantra for the day:-)

"You only lose what you cling to."

-Buddha

"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional."

-The Dalai Lama

"The chief cause of suffering for human beings is an inability to have things be the way they are."

-Unknown

"If you desire to know where your spiritual work lies look to your emotional pain."

-Alan Cohen

Mindfulness of feelings

I woke up feeling sad this morning and wasn't immediately sure why.  As I stood in the shower I decided to observe the physical sensation of that sadness in my body -- where in my body I felt it, the quality and intensity of the sensation (a little pressure on my chest and shoulders, not extremely heavy or intense, slightly unpleasant), etc.  I spent about a minute paying attention to these sensations.  I allowed myself to experience the sensations without trying to change them or push them away. 

After acknowledging and attending to the physical sensations associated with my emotional state I attempted to name what I was feeling.  "I'm feeling sad," I thought to myself.  "Disappointed," I thought again.  "Disappointed?" I thought.  "What has happened recently or is happening now that would cause me to feel disappointed?" I asked.  I'm a little embarassed by the answer -- I was feeling disappointed because the special someone in my life was supposed to call last night but never did.  I was a bit frustrated with myself for being upset over something so silly.  I knew he was helping his sister move last night and probably didn't call because he was out later than expected.  There was no reason to be upset.  I didn't beat myself up though.  Instead, I was compassionate towards myself.  "It's normal to feel disappointed," I told myself.  "It's okay to feel that way."

I think that when most people experience an unpleasant emotion their automatic response is to try to get rid of it by, for example, pushing it away or doing something to make themselves feel better.  If I'd done that this morning I might have ended up being in a bad mood all day.  I might have snapped at my special someone or been angry with him the next time we talked.  Instead, I allowed myself to experience my emotions; in doing so, I better understood what I was feeling and why I felt that way.  Once I acknowledged and accepted my disappointment it became less intense.  I immediately felt a little better.  In turn, I was able to remain calm when my car overheated on the way to work and I had pull over and get out in the torrential rain to put antifreeze in it.  I was still calm when I missed my exit and had to go several miles out of my way.  Although it had been "one of those mornings" I was able to handle it because I wasn't carrying around unresolved emotional baggage. 

My drawing of the Tree of Life

I'm no artist and it seems that I've been particularly uninspired of late.  Still, I thought I'd share some of my at best mediocre art work.