Attachment

I'm still working on non-attachment.  Today I found myself wondering how my special someone feels about me, hoping that he cares for me the way I care for him.  While it's normal to feel that way it's also a sure sign that I'm attached to a specific outcome (i.e., I want him to feel the same way about me that I feel about him).  Attachment to a specific outcome inevitably leads to disappointment if the desired outcome does not come to fruition.  I must remind myself again that true love means loving someone for who they are, not for how they make me feel.  True love does not mean giving someone affection, attention, acceptance, appreciation, and/or allowing (the five A's) because I want that person to give me love in return.  That's selfish love -- it revolves around me and is contingent on how the other person can meet my needs.  True love means loving someone no matter how that person feels about me.  True love means focusing on the other person's needs, not on my own.  The focus is not on oneself and one's own needs because true love transcends the self and is bigger and purer than any one individual person.  I'm learning, but I still have a long way to go.

Abstract

Why People Cheat

So this post doesn't apply to me directly.  I was thinking, however, about why people cheat and it occurred to me that the answer is completely relevant to many of the things I've talked about in my posts.  Typically, people cheat because their need for one or more of the five A's (attention, affection, acceptance, appreciation, allowing) is not being fulfilled.  They blame their partner for leaving their need or needs unfulfilled and turn to someone else to meet them.  If you've read any of my previous posts you might recall that on average, we can reasonably expect other people to meet our needs (i.e., give us the five A's) only about 25% of the time.  We are responsible for meeting these needs for ourselves the other 75% of the time. 

So ok, where is this going?  Well, when a person has the urge to cheat in essence he or she becomes aware of his or her desire for attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, and/or allowing.  If he or she could learn to simply sit with this urge/desire (this is a mindfulness technique called "urge surfing" that was introduced by Jon Kabat-Zinn in one of his books on mindfulness) and observe it with unattached curiosity and without judgment he/she would being to learn to meet his/her needs him/herself and would not have to seek out someone else to meet them. 

Elisha Goldstein briefly describes the technique of urge surfing on his blog (found at http://www.aliveworld.com/members/elishagoldstein/blog): This is the idea of bringing attention to the breath as the urge is rising and using it a surfboard to ride the waves of sensations associated with the urge as they come and go. Strong urges usually last about 20-30 minutes and sometimes less.

While the technique is typically used to "ride out" urges or cravings associated with addiction it is effective in helping to ride out any urge, including the urge to seek out another person to meet one's needs or to satisfy one's desire for attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, and/or allowing.  

That is not to say that there may not be real problems in a given relationship.  Still, I think most of us would agree that cheating is not the way to solve relationship problems.  Ride out the urge to cheat and learn to meet your own needs 75% of the time - this will better enable you to deal with any problems that exist in the relationship.

A drawing of my feelings

How do you know if you believe you need a partner in order to be happy

Most  people aren't aware of their core beliefs and how they affect their thoughts, feelings, perceptions, etc. on a daily basis.  I'm going to borrow a definition of core beliefs from someone else because a full exploration of the concept is beyond the scope of this post.  According to Lynne Forrest (found at http://lynneforrest.com/html/core_beliefs.html), core beliefs are "deeply rooted convictions...[that]...originate in childhood and become the lens through which we view ourselves and the world around us. These basic, but often erroneous notions rule and limit us until we bring them into consciousness and begin to challenge them."


So the first step is being aware of your beliefs.  Here are some indicators that you ascribe to the belief that you need a partner in order to be happy:

1. When you're not seeing anyone you feel compelled to "get out there" and date and/or you're constantly on the lookout for a potential partner.


2. When you are seeing someone you become very anxious, especially if he/she doesn't call or contact you regularly.  You worry that he/she will lose interest in you.  You worry about "losing" him/her -- this is a sure sign that implicitly you believe you need him/her (or some other partner) in order to be happy.

3. You don't feel content unless you are dating someone.  (You feel discontent or unhappy when you're not seeing anyone).


4. You stay in an unhappy relationship because you're afraid to be alone.

5. You're a serial monogamist -- as soon as one long-term relationship ends you move immediately into another one with little time in between.  Or you don't end one relationship until you have a prospect for another relationship lined up.


6. When you feel sad or lonely you think to yourself, "I wouldn't be feeling this way if I had a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/partner."

7. You feel bad when someone asks you if you're seeing anyone and you have to say no.


8. When you're not seeing anyone you feel like "something's missing."  When you are seeing someone you feel fulfilled or complete.


9. You worry that something is wrong with you because you haven't found the person you're supposed to spend your life with.


This list certainly isn't exhaustive and I will try to add to it as ideas come to me.  Also, feel free to give me suggestions by leaving a comment.

Ego Mindsets: Fear and Desire

Right now I am aware of my desire for attention, affection, and acceptance.  More simply put -- I want to be wanted.  Isn't it silly that I feel so unwanted because the special person in my life didn't call me back last night after we talked earlier in the evening?  I am aware of the desire to be important to him, the deisre to be loved by him...which shows me that I still have a lot of work to do.

One thing I can be proud of is that I didn't get angry at him for not calling.  I think this is an indication that I'm learning to care about him for who he is and not for how he makes me feel or for what he can do for me.

I didn't always used to get angry when I felt hurt (which is what feeling unwanted amounts to -- feeling hurt) but over time I learned to use anger to defend myself.  (This is the ego mindset of fear -- "I perceive a threat in you so I am on the defensive").  It seems strange that I am now asking myself to break down that defense and to feel the hurt -- to sit with that hurt, understand where it comes from, comfort myself, and give myself compassion and attention.  I think when I started using anger to protect myself from emotional pain I probably wasn't capable of doing this.  I needed ego strength before I could fully experience my negative emotions.  That's what Buddhist philosophers mean when they say you must first have an ego before you can transcend the ego. 

I think I am ready to stop using anger to defend myself from my feelings.  I don't need it anymore...

Self-Defeating Beliefs

How the way I seek out security makes me feel more insecure:

1. Belief: "I cannot be happy without a partner."

Makes me feel compelled to

2. Date frequently/seek out a partner

Triggers

3. Insecurities about my relationships with men ("Why won't anyone commit to me?" "Is there something wrong with me?")

Generates

4. Self doubt; discontent; unhappiness

Reinforces

1. Belief: "I cannot be happy without a partner."



It's a self-perpetuating cycle. I've only recently become aware that I engage in this self-defeating cycle of behavior.  This discovery has reinforced my committment to be mindful when I find myself wanting one of the Five A's (as opposed to trying to get someone else to meet my need for attention, affection, etc.). In order to extinguish my faulty belief that "I need a partner to be happy" I have to learn to meet my own emotional needs at least 75% of the time. I know I'm not the only person (and definitely not the only woman) who feels like she is complete only when she has a significant other in her life. I'll talk more about this in future posts.

Disappointment/Attachment

I wonder if it's possible to be truly free from attachment.  Being free from attachment means being unattached to any one particular outcome in a given situation.  Being disappointed is evidence that a person was attached to a particular outcome that did not come to fruition.


Yesterday I wanted to spend time with the special person in my life.  He told me he already had several obligations that afternoon.  I immediately felt disappointed.  I also felt a bit hurt, at least initially -- that was me wanting him to meet my need for attention.  The wonderful thing is that I IMMEDIATELY recognized what my ego was doing.  I still felt disappointed but I understood what was going on and allowed myself to simply feel what I was feeling.  The disappointment quickly dissipated.  Nevertheless, I was happy when he went out of his way to make some time to spend with me in between doing what he needed to do.  Is that attachment too?  Or is that enjoying the present moment?

Projection

Projection is a manifestation of the ego mindset of illusion. Projection occurs when a person takes the imago of her (I'm using her generically here) ideal partner -- the partner who can help her resolve psychological conflicts from childhood and/or meet the needs that were not met during her childhood -- and attributes these qualities to another person (her partner or romantic interest). This prevents her from seeing her romantic interest as he is -- all she sees is the projection, which is actually part of her (a part with which she is not in touch). True love occurs when a person can take back her projection (own it as hers) and see and accept the other person for who he really is.

The first step in cultivating the ability to truly love someone is to move beyond your own needs and to consider/think about what the other person needs and wants. We try to empathize with the other person's thoughts and feelings.

Also, in order to love others we must first learn to love ourselves. If we do not receive the 5 A's (acceptance, affection, allowing, attention, and appreciation)we need when we are children then in order to love ourselves we will have to learn to meet these needs for ourselves as adults. This involves being mindful when we notice ourselves wanting one of the five A's. We must remain with that desire, observe it nonjudgmentally, and allow ourselves to experience it fully. This is how we learn to give ourselves attention and acceptance -- by attending to our desires and our emotions and accepting them without trying to push them away or act on them. When we do this, we own the part of ourselves that meets our need for the 5 A's; we can then stop projecting that part onto another person (because doing so leads us to believe that this person is the one who can meet our needs).

We must own our projections. The key to doing this is mindful self-awareness. We must become aware of and acknowledge those parts of ourselves we currently deny. We must begin to give ourselves the 5 A's even when we feel like going to other people to get them. By staying with ourselves during these times we being to know the part of ourselves that is capable of meeting our own needs; we also strengthen this part of ourselves. Once we recognize this part in ourselves we no longer need to project it onto someone else. In other words, once we discover that we have the ability to meet our own needs we no longer have to project that ability onto someone else.

Affirmation of the day:
I must own the qualities of my imago. These are qualities I myself have (both good and bad) and must own so that I will stop projecting them onto others.

Mindful Loving

So in one of my posts I talk about the "5 A's." I thought I'd elaborate on this a bit. The concept of the Five A's comes from author David Richo.

The 5 A's are the needs that every child needs in order to develop a healthy sense of self (i.e., for healthy psychological development). These are the same needs that we look to meet (or to have met) in our romantic relationships as adults. The 5A's are:
1. Attention
2. Acceptance
3. Appreciation
4. Affection
5. Allowing (being allowed to pursue one's own interests and dreams)

I think this will probably make intuitive sense to most people -- who among us does not desire attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and/or allowing?

David Richo also points out that, "Behind every complaint is a wish for one of the five A's." In other words, when you find yourself complaining stop for a moment and ask yourself which of the 5 A's you want fulfilled at this particular moment. This is a way of being mindful. It enables you first and foremost to really understand what you want. Then it enables you (ideally) to meet this need for yourself.

Why don't I recommend asking your significant other to meet this need for you? Well, that's always a possibility but often the issue isn't that a significant other is not giving you enough of one of the 5 A's. Often, the issue is that we are trying to get another person to meet too many of our needs. This is an unfair burden to put on another person. In essence we are saying, "I depend on you to meet most of my needs. My happiness and emotional well-being depend on your ability to do this." Wow -- what a responsibility! According to Richo, we should only expect other people to meet 25% of our needs (i.e., we should be meeting our own need for the 5 A's about 75% of the time).