I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. I initially had no strong opinions on the subject; rather, I had a vague sense that while forgiveness is a worthy endeavor, there are certain situations where forgiveness would not necessarily be a suitable goal. After doing some research on the subject, I've adopted a firmer, more coherent position on when I believe forgiveness is an appropriate goal (and when it isn't). I've come to the conclusion that forgiveness is only necessary when both the victim and the offender want to reconcile and rebuild their relationship. If there is no desire or intention to repair a broken relationship, forgiveness is unncessary at best and detrimental at worst.
The currently prevailing models of forgiveness describe it as a process that begins with acknowledging the pain casued by the betrayal and ends with developing empathy for the offender and acknowledging our own falliability and capacity to offend. We know we have forgiven someone when our negative feelings about that person and his actions have been replaced with positive emotions.
I think back to my own experiences with betrayal. I no longer feel any anger towards people who hurt or betrayed me in the past, nor do I feel any pain associated with these incidents. Still, I cannot honestly say that the anger and hurt I once felt have been replaced with positive emotions. When I think back to a particular time when someone mistreated me or betrayed my trust I don't feel anger or hatred, but neither do I experience a flood of compassion for the one who offended me.
Historically, when a person has hurt or betrayed me, I have coped with the situation by acknowledging and working through the negative emotions associated with these incidents; in most cases, I was eventually able to understand the various factors that contributed to the offenders' actions. Truthfully, I no longer harbor any resentment or ill will towards anyone who has ever hurt or betrayed me. The caveat: most of these people are no longer a part of my life.
I'm not the kind of person who is quick to cut someone out of my life at the slightest offense. Yet there have been people in my life who proved to be toxic; when, over time, I came to realize this, I chose to protect myself by ceasing to associate with these people. This was never a decision I made lightly.
The problem with replacing negative feelings about a person and his actions with positive ones is that having positive feelings about a person increases the likelihood that you will allow that person to be a part of your life (in some way or another). In other words, "true" forgiveness increases the likelihood of reconciliation. If you reconcile with a toxic person who has not changed and thus remains toxic, you enable that person to continue to affect your life in a way that will most likely be negative.
This assertion is supported by research. Studies suggest that forgiveness in toxic relationships facilitates reconciliation, even while the offender continues to engage in toxic behavior. One study found that victims of domestic violence who reported that they forgave their partners for the abuse were more likely to return to their partner (and thus to the abusive relationship). A recent study by J. McNulty supported his hypothesis that forgiveness can "increase the likelihood that offenders will offend again by removing unwanted outcomes for those offenders that would otherwise discourage them from reoffending."
In sum, I believe that complete forgiveness is not always adviseable. However, it is not necessary to forgive in order to let go of anger and hatred and move forward with one's life.
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Disappointment
It's not unusual to feel certain emotions without knowing why. Disappointment is not one of those emotions. When we feel disappointed, we almost always know what caused it...
Disappointment stems from positive expectations that never materialize or from desires that are left unfulfilled. We expect something to go a certain way and it doesn't; we feel disappointed. We want something badly but aren't able to have it; we feel disappointed.
Ideally and over time, we can learn to transcend disappointment. To do this, we must let go of our attachment to ideas about how things "should" be. When we stop clinging to our expectations, we are able to accept with equanimity whatever the present moment contains.
Many people never realize this truth. Even among those who strive to let go of expectations, there are few who will attain this ideal. As a result, the great majority of us will continue to experience disappointment throughout our lives -- disappointment in ourselves, in our circumstances, in outcomes, and in others. For us, the task becomes finding a way to work through disappointment so that we can move past it.
Disappointment is one of those emotions that can become toxic if left unaddressed. Long term, chronic disappointment in oneself leads to feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. Enduring disappointment in someone close to us causes anger and resentment towards that person. Perpetual disappointment in life or its circumstances leads to feelings of hopelessness and despair. These emotional states can quickly develop into habitual ways of relating to ourselves, other people, and the world.
These are all things I know and can pass on to others without difficulty. It is one thing to know; it is another to do...which is what I am struggling with now.
I believe that acceptance is the antidote to disappointment. To feel disappointed is to wish the present moment to be something other than it is. Therefore, the first step in overcoming disappointment is to accept reality as it is.
Sometimes letting go of disappointment feels like giving up. For example, if we give up on pushing our child to work hard and be responsible (because we've had so many arguments about it but nothing ever changes) are we giving up on our child? It can certainly feel that way.
But isn't the pushing just a way to avoid facing our disappointment? Isn't it our attempt to get our child to do what is right so that we can be proud of him? Nobody wants to say, "My son dropped out of school and refuses to get a job." To have invested so much of our time, energy, and love into raising a child who then refuses to become a productive member of society is a great disappointment. So we refuse to accept it. We push our child to do what is right. We will not allow our child to fail. It is simply not acceptable.
What happens when we do this for months and then years without success? We've probably had so many fights with our kid about it that he's stopped coming to visit. We worry about it constantly and think about what else we can do to change things. We feel angry at and resentful towards our child for letting us down. In short, we suffer.
This is when it becomes time to accept. Sticking with my example, the time has come to accept that our child is a bit lazy and doesn't care much about becoming a productive member of society. Yes, it's disappointing; but once we've stopped trying to change our child and have accepted him as he is, we can then grieve the loss of what we wanted him to become.
Disappointment stems from positive expectations that never materialize or from desires that are left unfulfilled. We expect something to go a certain way and it doesn't; we feel disappointed. We want something badly but aren't able to have it; we feel disappointed.
Ideally and over time, we can learn to transcend disappointment. To do this, we must let go of our attachment to ideas about how things "should" be. When we stop clinging to our expectations, we are able to accept with equanimity whatever the present moment contains.
Many people never realize this truth. Even among those who strive to let go of expectations, there are few who will attain this ideal. As a result, the great majority of us will continue to experience disappointment throughout our lives -- disappointment in ourselves, in our circumstances, in outcomes, and in others. For us, the task becomes finding a way to work through disappointment so that we can move past it.
Disappointment is one of those emotions that can become toxic if left unaddressed. Long term, chronic disappointment in oneself leads to feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. Enduring disappointment in someone close to us causes anger and resentment towards that person. Perpetual disappointment in life or its circumstances leads to feelings of hopelessness and despair. These emotional states can quickly develop into habitual ways of relating to ourselves, other people, and the world.
These are all things I know and can pass on to others without difficulty. It is one thing to know; it is another to do...which is what I am struggling with now.
I believe that acceptance is the antidote to disappointment. To feel disappointed is to wish the present moment to be something other than it is. Therefore, the first step in overcoming disappointment is to accept reality as it is.
Sometimes letting go of disappointment feels like giving up. For example, if we give up on pushing our child to work hard and be responsible (because we've had so many arguments about it but nothing ever changes) are we giving up on our child? It can certainly feel that way.
But isn't the pushing just a way to avoid facing our disappointment? Isn't it our attempt to get our child to do what is right so that we can be proud of him? Nobody wants to say, "My son dropped out of school and refuses to get a job." To have invested so much of our time, energy, and love into raising a child who then refuses to become a productive member of society is a great disappointment. So we refuse to accept it. We push our child to do what is right. We will not allow our child to fail. It is simply not acceptable.
What happens when we do this for months and then years without success? We've probably had so many fights with our kid about it that he's stopped coming to visit. We worry about it constantly and think about what else we can do to change things. We feel angry at and resentful towards our child for letting us down. In short, we suffer.
This is when it becomes time to accept. Sticking with my example, the time has come to accept that our child is a bit lazy and doesn't care much about becoming a productive member of society. Yes, it's disappointing; but once we've stopped trying to change our child and have accepted him as he is, we can then grieve the loss of what we wanted him to become.
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