I recently read an article on theatlantic.com by Emily Estafani Smith called, "There's More to Life than Being Happy" (http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/01/theres-more-to-life-than-being-happy/266805/). As a psychotherapist, happiness is definitely a topic of great interest to me. In fact, most of my patients come to me in pursuit of happiness. Of course, "happiness" means different things to different people. For many of my patients, happiness means the absence (or even the lessening) of suffering. For others, happiness suggests the presence of a particular emotional state (accompanied by whatever else is necessary to achieve that state).
Americans place a great deal of value on individual happiness. The right of every man to pursue happiness is one of the central tenets upon which the country was founded. I doubt, however, that this is solely an American phenomenon. Among the core values of many nations (particular western nations) is the happiness of its citizens.
In some ways, then, Smith's assertion that there are more worthy goals in life than happiness is quite radical. What other aspiration is worthy of the time and effort we devote to seeking pleasure?
Smith suggests that having a sense of purpose or meaning in life is far more powerful than mere happiness. According to Smith, our single-minded focus on personal happiness creates a shallow and superficial existence. There is also evidence to suggest that setting happiness as one's primary aspiration is counter-productive; it actually makes us less happy.
While happiness is characterized by attaining pleasure for oneself, meaning is found in doing things for others. This explains why the things we find meaningful in life are not necessarily the things we most enjoy doing.
Still, people who say they have a purpose in life tend to report higher levels of overall well being than those who say they lack purpose. Happiness is dependent upon pleasure. Could it be that happiness, like pleasure, is fleeting?
In contrast, meaning tends to have a longer-term focus, which could explain its correlation with overall well being.
For me, Smith's article was an apt reminder not to get too consumed by the idea of happiness. Happiness is, after all, a natural byproduct of living a meaningful life. As such, it need not be pursued for its own sake.
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Restlessness
Most would agree that human beings seem to be hardwired to seek happiness. It appears to be an innate impulse (although in reality, it is impossible to say whether the first humans displayed this tendency). Whether instinctual or acquired, the pursuit of happiness is practically universal among humans of the modern era. In today's world, almost everything we do is in some way motivated by our desire to lead lives that are both happy and fulfilled.
Unfortunately, for many of us, happiness can be quite elusive. This is especially true in Western cultures. Modern Western societies tend to be obsessed with doing, achieving, and posessing. We look for happiness in external activties, concrete achievements, and material posessions. Unfortunately, evidence suggests that living this way does not make people happy. Instead, it breeds malaise, discontent, and chronic feelings of restlessness.
Restlessness is propelled by a desire to be somewhere other than here, doing something other than the activity in which you are currently engaged. It is a state characterized by unease and agitation.
When people seek happiness from external sources, restlessness is the inevitable result. When we believe happiness exists out there in the world then that is where we search for it. We identify something we think will bring happiness and we set about trying to achieve or obtain it. When we get it, we initially experience intense feelings of pride, satisfaction, and pleasure. "Now," we say to ourselves. "Now I can be happy."
Unfortunately, our pleasure is always short-lived. Once the novelty wears off, we realize that we feel no differently than we did before. The thing we wanted so badly has not brought us happiness. We feel restless, so we begin to search for something else we believe will make us happy. The cycle continues.
Restlessness is not a particularly comfortable feelilng, especially when it becomes a daily presence in our lives. The natural reaction to something unpleasant is to try to get rid of it. Restlessness is alleviated by movement. We seek happiness, come up short, and move on to look for it somewhere else. Perhaps we leave our spouse or begin a new romance. Maybe we quit our job, sell our home, or move to a new city. Or we might get a new haircut, buy a new wardrobe, and adopt a new look. We're restless so we move, however we choose to do it.
We look outside of ourselves for happiness; we will never find it there and so will always feel restless. All humans have the drive to seek happiness; our restlessness spurs us to continue on this quest.
Our quest becomes much easier if we look in the right place. Happiness comes from within...
Of course that's a bit cliche', is it not? It's all well and good to say that happiness comes from within, but what does that mean exactly?
The first thing we have to do is stop moving. In her article "Boredom - The Gateway to Peace," Joan Brooks explains that we must learn to do nothing. Westerners tend to feel compelled to always be doing something. If we remain idle for too long, we begin thinking about all the things we could, should, or would rather be doing. There is no stillness because we don't pause long enough for our minds and our bodies to settle. As soon as we feel bored or restless, we're on the go again. Brooks suggests that instead of bolting into action when restlessness arises, we "need to slow down and find some peace and serenity." This will undoubtedly be quite difficult to do, at least initially. Over time, however, we learn to sit with our feelings, without trying to change them. Eventually, we learn to let go, relax, and just be.
Unfortunately, for many of us, happiness can be quite elusive. This is especially true in Western cultures. Modern Western societies tend to be obsessed with doing, achieving, and posessing. We look for happiness in external activties, concrete achievements, and material posessions. Unfortunately, evidence suggests that living this way does not make people happy. Instead, it breeds malaise, discontent, and chronic feelings of restlessness.
Restlessness is propelled by a desire to be somewhere other than here, doing something other than the activity in which you are currently engaged. It is a state characterized by unease and agitation.
When people seek happiness from external sources, restlessness is the inevitable result. When we believe happiness exists out there in the world then that is where we search for it. We identify something we think will bring happiness and we set about trying to achieve or obtain it. When we get it, we initially experience intense feelings of pride, satisfaction, and pleasure. "Now," we say to ourselves. "Now I can be happy."
Unfortunately, our pleasure is always short-lived. Once the novelty wears off, we realize that we feel no differently than we did before. The thing we wanted so badly has not brought us happiness. We feel restless, so we begin to search for something else we believe will make us happy. The cycle continues.
Restlessness is not a particularly comfortable feelilng, especially when it becomes a daily presence in our lives. The natural reaction to something unpleasant is to try to get rid of it. Restlessness is alleviated by movement. We seek happiness, come up short, and move on to look for it somewhere else. Perhaps we leave our spouse or begin a new romance. Maybe we quit our job, sell our home, or move to a new city. Or we might get a new haircut, buy a new wardrobe, and adopt a new look. We're restless so we move, however we choose to do it.
We look outside of ourselves for happiness; we will never find it there and so will always feel restless. All humans have the drive to seek happiness; our restlessness spurs us to continue on this quest.
Our quest becomes much easier if we look in the right place. Happiness comes from within...
Of course that's a bit cliche', is it not? It's all well and good to say that happiness comes from within, but what does that mean exactly?
The first thing we have to do is stop moving. In her article "Boredom - The Gateway to Peace," Joan Brooks explains that we must learn to do nothing. Westerners tend to feel compelled to always be doing something. If we remain idle for too long, we begin thinking about all the things we could, should, or would rather be doing. There is no stillness because we don't pause long enough for our minds and our bodies to settle. As soon as we feel bored or restless, we're on the go again. Brooks suggests that instead of bolting into action when restlessness arises, we "need to slow down and find some peace and serenity." This will undoubtedly be quite difficult to do, at least initially. Over time, however, we learn to sit with our feelings, without trying to change them. Eventually, we learn to let go, relax, and just be.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Fear of happiness
I'm always looking to explore new ideas and new concepts. That's the beautiful thing about the internet; you can go online with only a vague topic of interest in mind and come away having identified a whole list of related ideas you've never been exposed to. Recently I read an article that talked about the fear of happiness. Initially, it seemed like an oxymoron to me. "Aren't we all striving to be happy?" I thought. The pursuit of happiness is the driving force behind almost everything we do. We want to be successful because we equate success with happiness. We want to have children because we equate family with happiness. We want to help others because we want to live a good life; we want to live a good life because doing good things makes us happy.
The more I thought about it though the more it made sense to me. On the surface most of us desire and seek happiness. The fear of happiness is rarely a conscious thing. (There is an exception to this. Apparently, there are people who suffer from cherophobia, an irrational fear of merriment, gaiety, or joyfulness). People who fear happiness typically do so on a subconscious level. Things never seem to go their way and they aren't happy but if you ask them they will tell you that they want to be happy.
It seems to me that a person who fears happiness does not actually fear the feeling of being happy (with the exception of a cherophobe). Rather, that person fears what happiness will bring with it. For some, happiness brings with it a fear of losing the things in life that have brought about that happiness (or a general fear of losing the feeling of happiness, for whatever reason).
For some, happiness comes with increased responsibility and expectations from others. For example, suppose a person is unhappy doing a mundane job that requires no thought or skill and offers no challenge. That person might hesitate to apply for a job that would be more challenging and more fulfilling. The person lacks confidence and fears failure. Yes, he would be happier in this new job, but he would always be worried about measuring up and would be fearful about making mistakes. Perhaps his worries and fears would consume him so much that he would become more unhappy than he was at the boring job.
Others may fear that happiness will breed laziness. They worry that if they allow themselves to be happy where they are then they will never live up to their full potential. They will become complacent and will lose their drive to do all they can do and to be all they can be. These people will tell you they want to be happy but they keep setting the bar for what will make them happy higher and higher; it will always be just beyond reach.
So what do you do if your subconscious fears sabotage your efforts at happiness? What do you do if you have achieved the goals to which you aspired but are still not content? Start by asking yourself what you are afraid of. Of course your conscious desire is to be happy. However, you should not assume that having the conscious desire to be happy means that you cannot have another, subconscious desire (or fear) that is in complete conflict with your conscious desire. They can and frequently do coexist. (For more on this, see Eva Pierrakos' lecture No. 45 at www.pathwork.org/lectures/unedited/045.pdf). Once you identify what it is that you fear you simply observe the fear and any other emotions or thoughts that accompany it. Do not try to force the fear away; your attempts would be futile and would cause more harm than anything else. It is simply not possible to force a feeling away at will. You might believe you have forced it away because it seems to be gone but all you've really done is covered it up. Now you are unaware of the fear, which means it is free to come and go as it pleases without scrutiny. If instead you observe the fear (and all that comes with it) without judgment, over time you will find that it diminishes on its own.
The more I thought about it though the more it made sense to me. On the surface most of us desire and seek happiness. The fear of happiness is rarely a conscious thing. (There is an exception to this. Apparently, there are people who suffer from cherophobia, an irrational fear of merriment, gaiety, or joyfulness). People who fear happiness typically do so on a subconscious level. Things never seem to go their way and they aren't happy but if you ask them they will tell you that they want to be happy.
It seems to me that a person who fears happiness does not actually fear the feeling of being happy (with the exception of a cherophobe). Rather, that person fears what happiness will bring with it. For some, happiness brings with it a fear of losing the things in life that have brought about that happiness (or a general fear of losing the feeling of happiness, for whatever reason).
For some, happiness comes with increased responsibility and expectations from others. For example, suppose a person is unhappy doing a mundane job that requires no thought or skill and offers no challenge. That person might hesitate to apply for a job that would be more challenging and more fulfilling. The person lacks confidence and fears failure. Yes, he would be happier in this new job, but he would always be worried about measuring up and would be fearful about making mistakes. Perhaps his worries and fears would consume him so much that he would become more unhappy than he was at the boring job.
Others may fear that happiness will breed laziness. They worry that if they allow themselves to be happy where they are then they will never live up to their full potential. They will become complacent and will lose their drive to do all they can do and to be all they can be. These people will tell you they want to be happy but they keep setting the bar for what will make them happy higher and higher; it will always be just beyond reach.
So what do you do if your subconscious fears sabotage your efforts at happiness? What do you do if you have achieved the goals to which you aspired but are still not content? Start by asking yourself what you are afraid of. Of course your conscious desire is to be happy. However, you should not assume that having the conscious desire to be happy means that you cannot have another, subconscious desire (or fear) that is in complete conflict with your conscious desire. They can and frequently do coexist. (For more on this, see Eva Pierrakos' lecture No. 45 at www.pathwork.org/lectures/unedited/045.pdf). Once you identify what it is that you fear you simply observe the fear and any other emotions or thoughts that accompany it. Do not try to force the fear away; your attempts would be futile and would cause more harm than anything else. It is simply not possible to force a feeling away at will. You might believe you have forced it away because it seems to be gone but all you've really done is covered it up. Now you are unaware of the fear, which means it is free to come and go as it pleases without scrutiny. If instead you observe the fear (and all that comes with it) without judgment, over time you will find that it diminishes on its own.
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