I used to think of myself as ambitious. After graduating high school I hit the ground running. I had goals I wanted to achieve and I immediately set about working towards them. My ambition was a source of pride, both for me and for my family. My sisters and I were encouraged to aim high. Ambition was a value in my family and it was one I readily embraced.
So I worked hard and achieved my goals. I earned my master's degree in five years and became licensed as an independent practitioner of clinical social work two years later. I bought a house and settled into a job I enjoyed. I got married at 28 and was ready to enjoy a comfortable life with my husband. I was content.
And so I've continued to enjoy the life I've made for myself. I am actively pursuing two goals (in partnership with my husband): selling our house and buying a bigger one and having a baby within the next one to two years. Perhaps these aren't as lofty as the goals I once had but I'm okay with that.
I am, for the most part, satisfied with my life. Unfortunately, my husband is not. He is firmly convinced that we need to make more money if we're going to live comfortably. He devotes a significant amount of his free time to buying things, fixing them up, and selling them for a profit. He has also taught himself photography and occasionally takes jobs photographing weddings, family portraits, private events, etc.
I don't have a problem with my husband's extracurricular endeavors and I only interfere when I notice that we're running out of room to store his current projects. My husband believes, however, that I should devote as much time as he does to earning extra money.
This has brought me to the following realization: I am not as ambitious as I once beleived. I have no desire to spend my free time trying to earn extra income. I enjoy having time to relax, to wake up on the weekends and have no obligations. To me, the luxury of not having to work all the time is one of the hallmarks of a comfortable life (and I'm living it already)!
As it turns out, ambition is not one of those things that tends to decrease over time. In their 2012 article, Judge and Kammeyer-Mueller explain that ambition is a trait that remains stable throughout life; it does not disappear once a person has acheived a certain level of success. From this I conclude the following: if I am not ambitious now then I probably never was.
Judge and Kammeyer-Mueller define ambition as striving for "worldly success," things like status, rank, and material wealth. Ambition is not, they are careful to stress, concerned with less tnagible achievements like wellbeing, sense of purpose, or happiness.
So now I must admit to myself that I am not, nor have I ever been, particularly ambitious. I strove for a certain level of attainment - a college degree, a career in mental health, a comfortable home, a sufficient income - and I achieved it. I've never wanted to be "rich" (whatever that means these days). Yes, I enjoy having a certain level of comfort but I don't need a bunch of expensive toys to be happy.
Lately this has been a point of contention between my husband and I. In fact, we discussed it again last night. "You have absolutely NO ambition!" he exclaimed in frustration. And I guess he's probably right.
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Potential
Potential. It's the word my teachers in high school always used when talking about me to my parents. "She has so much potential, if she'd just apply herself," they'd say. I was, in fact, well aware of my potential. I saw it as having more long term relevance than as something immediately useful to me in the present. In my mind, I needed to do just well enough to get into a decent college. After all, what good was potential in high school? I wanted to have fun while I had a lot of time and few responsibilities.
I stuck with my plan. I became a serious student as soon as I started college. I had a lot of goals for my life and my career. I received a lot of positive feedback from my professors. Many of them commented on how well I write. One professor wanted me to work as a research assistant in his lab. The reason I came to his attention was because I consistently earned the highest grade in the class on every exam. As I progressed in my academic career, I was encouraged with increasing frequency to pursue a Ph.D. By the time I finished my master's degree, I felt sure I was destined to do great things.
That was seven years ago. Today, I can't help thinking that I haven't lived up to my potential. For a few years after I finished college, I had the drive and determination to accomplish more. I embarked upon several endeavors (working towards specialized certifications, returning to school for my Ph.D., etc.). None of them worked out, for various reasons. Most recently, I'd hoped to Also, I was not going to be permitted to take any time away from my traditional work responsibilities to devote to the project. Eventually, the whole thing fell through.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting around the table chatting with a group of my family members. We started talking about our "dream job" and what a dream job would offer that our current jobs don't. Everyone had something they wanted from a job. When it was my turn to share I simply shrugged. "I don't know," I said. "I thought you wanted to do research," my mom replied. "I don't really want to do anything," I stated. This drew a laugh from everyone at the table. For me, however, I felt confused. I hadn't known I was going to say that; I hadn't even known I felt that way.
After giving it some thought, I determined that my comment had been a fairly accurate reflection of my feelings. I don't really want to do anything other than what I'm doing in my job now. Is this because my work leaves me completely fulfilled and I am 100% happy with my job? Well, no, not exactly. I guess it's more complicated than that. It's not really that I don't want to do anything else. It's more that I have no idea what else to do.
I started out in life with so many goals and ambitions. I achieved the major ones -- the master's degree, the clinical social work license, the job doing psychotherapy. As I see it, the problem is that I haven't been able to accomplish anything beyond that. It's not that I haven't made any effort. Sometimes the circumstances just weren't right. Other times, I lacked the necessary resources. And then, at some point, I became disillusioned. Still, I hate to think that I peaked at the age of 25...
I started out in life thinking I was destined for greatness. Even now I believe I am capable of doing great things -- I have the potential, so to speak. But what great things? And how? Lately, I get stuck on these questions.
What about you? Do you ever feel like you're not living up to your potential? How do you know when you are living up to your potential?
I stuck with my plan. I became a serious student as soon as I started college. I had a lot of goals for my life and my career. I received a lot of positive feedback from my professors. Many of them commented on how well I write. One professor wanted me to work as a research assistant in his lab. The reason I came to his attention was because I consistently earned the highest grade in the class on every exam. As I progressed in my academic career, I was encouraged with increasing frequency to pursue a Ph.D. By the time I finished my master's degree, I felt sure I was destined to do great things.
That was seven years ago. Today, I can't help thinking that I haven't lived up to my potential. For a few years after I finished college, I had the drive and determination to accomplish more. I embarked upon several endeavors (working towards specialized certifications, returning to school for my Ph.D., etc.). None of them worked out, for various reasons. Most recently, I'd hoped to Also, I was not going to be permitted to take any time away from my traditional work responsibilities to devote to the project. Eventually, the whole thing fell through.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting around the table chatting with a group of my family members. We started talking about our "dream job" and what a dream job would offer that our current jobs don't. Everyone had something they wanted from a job. When it was my turn to share I simply shrugged. "I don't know," I said. "I thought you wanted to do research," my mom replied. "I don't really want to do anything," I stated. This drew a laugh from everyone at the table. For me, however, I felt confused. I hadn't known I was going to say that; I hadn't even known I felt that way.
After giving it some thought, I determined that my comment had been a fairly accurate reflection of my feelings. I don't really want to do anything other than what I'm doing in my job now. Is this because my work leaves me completely fulfilled and I am 100% happy with my job? Well, no, not exactly. I guess it's more complicated than that. It's not really that I don't want to do anything else. It's more that I have no idea what else to do.
I started out in life with so many goals and ambitions. I achieved the major ones -- the master's degree, the clinical social work license, the job doing psychotherapy. As I see it, the problem is that I haven't been able to accomplish anything beyond that. It's not that I haven't made any effort. Sometimes the circumstances just weren't right. Other times, I lacked the necessary resources. And then, at some point, I became disillusioned. Still, I hate to think that I peaked at the age of 25...
I started out in life thinking I was destined for greatness. Even now I believe I am capable of doing great things -- I have the potential, so to speak. But what great things? And how? Lately, I get stuck on these questions.
What about you? Do you ever feel like you're not living up to your potential? How do you know when you are living up to your potential?
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Dream killers
Most of us have had the experience of excitedly sharing a dream with someone only to receive negative feedback about why it won't work. If we're honest, most of us have also had the experience of hearing someone else's dream and immediately putting it down, almost without thinking. How many of us have been encouraged to follow our dreams wherever they lead us? And how many dreams have we decided to abandon because the people we love tell us it's a bad idea?
It always seems to be the people closest to us who put the most effort into killing our dreams. This is almost counterintuitive; shouldn't the people who love us the most be our most ardent supporters? And shouldn't we be among the loudest voices of encouragement cheering on the people we love? Why do we have such a hard time doing something that seems like it should be natural?
I won't pretend to know the answer to this, but I do have some ideas:
1. Selfishness: We discourage someone else's dreams because it interferes with our own interests. For example, it is not uncommon for a parent to have dreams for her child before he is even born. Parents have their own ideas about what their child should do with his life; these ideas are completely independent of what the child wants for himself. Parents often have beliefs about what constitutes success for their child, how their child should behave, where he should live, and what hobbies he should pursue. If the child has dreams that are inconsistent with what his parents want for him, the parents might discourage the child from pursuing these aspirations. Another example of deterring someone else's dream for selfish reasons might be discouraging a coworker from trying for a promotion because you want the promotion for yourself.
2. Jealousy: A friend shares her dream with us. It sounds great. In fact, it is something we want for ourselves. We doubt, however, that we could ever achieve this dream. We can't stand the thought of our friend achieving something we really want for ourselves but could never have; we'd be overcome with envy! Nobody likes to feel jealous (or inferior), so we disparage our friend's dream and discourage her from chasing it.
3. Guilt: The goal someone else is pursuing is one we should be pursuing ourselves. Unfortunately, we lack the motivation, self discipline, or whatever else we need to start working on the goal. We feel guilty about our own inaction when we see someone else working hard and actually making progress towards this goal. If, however, we can distract or deter this person from the pursuit of his goal we won't feel quite so bad. "No, I haven't lost any weight yet, but neither has Tom."
4. Genuine concern for the other person: Your loved one is chasing a dream that is going nowhere (or nowhere good). His goal is completely unrealistic, very dangerous, self destructive, or an otherwise bad idea. In short, your loved one is headed down the wrong path and you're concerned for his well being. You don't want to see him hurt, whether physically, financially, spiritually, or emotionally. You feel obligated to share your concerns with him, at the very least. Some of us feel obligated to do more. We might try to dissuade him from pursuing his chosen course or even to create obstacles to try to deter him. There is certainly nothing wrong with urging a loved one to use caution. The key in this situation is to know when to stop. Providing that the person in question is an adult, in the end he is free to make his own decisions -- even if they are bad decisions. There comes a point when you've said all you can say and have done all you can do. When you reach this point, your job is to accept the decision your loved one has made (regardless of whether or not you approve). Sometimes people have to learn from their own mistakes.
5. Reality testing: Let's face it. Some people have dreams that are so far fetched they could never become reality. Perhaps such dreams would be more accurately described as fantasies. Personally, I would feel bad encouraging someone to chase a dream he has absolutely no chance of ever achieving. It is important, however, to distinguish between having fantastical goals that have no basis in reality and having "big dreams" that, while it might be a long shot, could possibly be attained. Some people dream big and are willing to work hard to try to make their dream a reality. Most of us are inclined to give such people a "reality check." We are quick to point out that the odds are stacked against them. We encourage them to focus on "more realistic" goals. But where would the world be without big dreamers? People beat the odds all the time, with amazing results. Don't discourage someone you love from "dreaming big." You might, however, want to encourage them to have a back up plan, just in case it doesn't work out.
6. Pessimism: Pessimism is the tendency to expect the worst. It is characterized by a lack of hope or confidence in the future. Some people are pessimistic by nature; others have had bad experiences and have learned to view life negatively as a result. A pessimist is a pessimist, either way. If a person is a pessimist, it won't be a secret to the people who know him. Pessimism is not really something you can hide; it's an attitude that will reveal itself in almost everything you say and do. If you want someone to encourage and support you as your pursue your dreams, a pessimist is not your guy. Share your dreams with a pessimist and you can expect that he'll tell you all the reasons it will never work; negativity is a pessimist's default response to everything.
As with so many things, I think the important thing is to become more aware of how you respond when someone shares their hopes and dreams with you. Pay attention to your responses over time; are they unique to each situation or are they habitually the same?
It is also important to be selective in choosing the people you talk to about your hopes and dreams. When you know a person well enough you can often predict how they will respond when you reveal your deepest desires. If the person is always negative, you can assume he will have negative feedback about your goals. If the person is typically supportive, she will probably be supportive. If she isn't, you should listen to her concerns and take them into consideration.
For readers: Do you tend to be supportive when someone shares his dreams with you? Have you ever shared your aspirations with someone and not gotten the response you expected? Is there anyone you would absolutely never share your hopes and dreams with? Why?
It always seems to be the people closest to us who put the most effort into killing our dreams. This is almost counterintuitive; shouldn't the people who love us the most be our most ardent supporters? And shouldn't we be among the loudest voices of encouragement cheering on the people we love? Why do we have such a hard time doing something that seems like it should be natural?
I won't pretend to know the answer to this, but I do have some ideas:
1. Selfishness: We discourage someone else's dreams because it interferes with our own interests. For example, it is not uncommon for a parent to have dreams for her child before he is even born. Parents have their own ideas about what their child should do with his life; these ideas are completely independent of what the child wants for himself. Parents often have beliefs about what constitutes success for their child, how their child should behave, where he should live, and what hobbies he should pursue. If the child has dreams that are inconsistent with what his parents want for him, the parents might discourage the child from pursuing these aspirations. Another example of deterring someone else's dream for selfish reasons might be discouraging a coworker from trying for a promotion because you want the promotion for yourself.
2. Jealousy: A friend shares her dream with us. It sounds great. In fact, it is something we want for ourselves. We doubt, however, that we could ever achieve this dream. We can't stand the thought of our friend achieving something we really want for ourselves but could never have; we'd be overcome with envy! Nobody likes to feel jealous (or inferior), so we disparage our friend's dream and discourage her from chasing it.
3. Guilt: The goal someone else is pursuing is one we should be pursuing ourselves. Unfortunately, we lack the motivation, self discipline, or whatever else we need to start working on the goal. We feel guilty about our own inaction when we see someone else working hard and actually making progress towards this goal. If, however, we can distract or deter this person from the pursuit of his goal we won't feel quite so bad. "No, I haven't lost any weight yet, but neither has Tom."
4. Genuine concern for the other person: Your loved one is chasing a dream that is going nowhere (or nowhere good). His goal is completely unrealistic, very dangerous, self destructive, or an otherwise bad idea. In short, your loved one is headed down the wrong path and you're concerned for his well being. You don't want to see him hurt, whether physically, financially, spiritually, or emotionally. You feel obligated to share your concerns with him, at the very least. Some of us feel obligated to do more. We might try to dissuade him from pursuing his chosen course or even to create obstacles to try to deter him. There is certainly nothing wrong with urging a loved one to use caution. The key in this situation is to know when to stop. Providing that the person in question is an adult, in the end he is free to make his own decisions -- even if they are bad decisions. There comes a point when you've said all you can say and have done all you can do. When you reach this point, your job is to accept the decision your loved one has made (regardless of whether or not you approve). Sometimes people have to learn from their own mistakes.
5. Reality testing: Let's face it. Some people have dreams that are so far fetched they could never become reality. Perhaps such dreams would be more accurately described as fantasies. Personally, I would feel bad encouraging someone to chase a dream he has absolutely no chance of ever achieving. It is important, however, to distinguish between having fantastical goals that have no basis in reality and having "big dreams" that, while it might be a long shot, could possibly be attained. Some people dream big and are willing to work hard to try to make their dream a reality. Most of us are inclined to give such people a "reality check." We are quick to point out that the odds are stacked against them. We encourage them to focus on "more realistic" goals. But where would the world be without big dreamers? People beat the odds all the time, with amazing results. Don't discourage someone you love from "dreaming big." You might, however, want to encourage them to have a back up plan, just in case it doesn't work out.
6. Pessimism: Pessimism is the tendency to expect the worst. It is characterized by a lack of hope or confidence in the future. Some people are pessimistic by nature; others have had bad experiences and have learned to view life negatively as a result. A pessimist is a pessimist, either way. If a person is a pessimist, it won't be a secret to the people who know him. Pessimism is not really something you can hide; it's an attitude that will reveal itself in almost everything you say and do. If you want someone to encourage and support you as your pursue your dreams, a pessimist is not your guy. Share your dreams with a pessimist and you can expect that he'll tell you all the reasons it will never work; negativity is a pessimist's default response to everything.
As with so many things, I think the important thing is to become more aware of how you respond when someone shares their hopes and dreams with you. Pay attention to your responses over time; are they unique to each situation or are they habitually the same?
It is also important to be selective in choosing the people you talk to about your hopes and dreams. When you know a person well enough you can often predict how they will respond when you reveal your deepest desires. If the person is always negative, you can assume he will have negative feedback about your goals. If the person is typically supportive, she will probably be supportive. If she isn't, you should listen to her concerns and take them into consideration.
For readers: Do you tend to be supportive when someone shares his dreams with you? Have you ever shared your aspirations with someone and not gotten the response you expected? Is there anyone you would absolutely never share your hopes and dreams with? Why?
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