Making mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes.  It's part of the human condition.  Nobody's perfect.  Maybe it's not even unique to humans.  I bet if we observed animals long enough we'd see them make mistakes too.  Even our DNA makes mistakes (i.e., mutations).  Thus, we are falliable to our very core.

We spend a lot of time and energy thinking about mistakes - how to prevent them, how to fix them, how to learn from them, etc.  Some of this is time well spent.  If mistakes are inevitable we can at least try to learn from them.  Failure sucks but it sometimes teaches valuable lessons. 

It's not hard to put a positive spin on screwing things up.  Still, there are some very unfortunate truths about making mistakes that can be difficult for us to accept:

1. Once mistakes are made you can't undo them:  This is, of course, true for any course of action.  Once a thing is done it is done.  You cannot go back in time and change it.  Nothing is gained by continuing to dwell on past mistakes.  I've had patients who are still beating themselves up about things that happened years ago - perhaps even as children.  They all have their own reasons for doing this.  The result for all of them, however, is the same: they all feel terrible.  They carry the weight of guilt and shame with them everywhere they go.  Eventually, they begin to condemn themselves and then to hate themselves.  That's not to say we should not feel guilty when we do something wrong; we should.  There comes a point, though, when we need to forgive ourselves and move on.

2. It is possible to make the same mistake again and again without knowing why. People are creatures of habit.  We tend to have certain ways of behaving - certain patterns to our actions.  Some habits are good and some are not.  If we repeatedly find ourselves in similar aversive situations we are probably doing something to contribute to the problem.  Often we cannot see it ourselves; we may need to ask someone close to us for feedback in order to figure it out.  The goal is to try to identify any negative patterns of behavior you are engaging in.  Recognition is sufficient for change.  We might feel compelled to spend our time exploring why we engage in certain behaviors; we think if we know why something happens we will know how to fix it.  THIS IS NOT TRUE!  Knowing why we do something tells us nothing about how to stop doing it.  You can delve into your psyche looking for childhood wounds.  You are almost certain to find some - no one comes out of childhood with all of their emotional and psychological needs completely met.  (Remember, our parents are human too).  Once you discover these wounds, though, what will you do with them?  You'll still be left with the same problem behaviors and no closer to knowing what to do about it.  Focus on identifying the problem and initiating change first.  You can ask why later.

3. You cannot force someone to learn from your mistakes.  Most of us have had the experience of watching helplessly as someone we love makes bad decisions.  We can see they are traveling a dangerous path and we want to protect them.  The desire to safeguard those we love is natural.  Parents protect their children.  Older siblings look out for their younger siblings.  Mentors watch out for their mentees.  Those of us who have lived a bit longer have the benefit of experience.  We've made our mistakes and we've suffered the consequences.  We don't want our loved ones to suffer the same consequences.  We don't want them to make the same mistakes we made; we want better for them.  And so we teach them.  We impart to them the knowledge we've gained from our experience; we share with them the lessons we've learned.  Unfortunately, despite our best efforts we cannot always prevent someone we love from repeating our mistakes.  We can caution, cajole, alert, advise, insist, or imply.  Maybe our loved one will listen; maybe he won't.  In the end, we have to allow those we love to make their own decisions (we're talking about adults; children are, of course, different).  Sometimes people need to see things for themselves, to make their own mistakes.  Just try to avoid saying, "I told you so."

4. There is no shame in admitting you screwed up. Nobody enjoys messing up.  Neverthelesss, it is usually preferable to admit you made a mistake as opposed to trying to cover it up.  Acknowledging your mistake frees you up to change course without making excuses.  I for one have a lot more respect for someone who says, "Hey, I screwed up.  We're going to fix it and try something else" than for someone who stubbornly sticks to a course of action simply because to deviate would mean admitting they were wrong.

Just a few fundamental truths.  I'm sure there are many more.  Does anyone else have one to add?

Why some people always insist on being right

All of us have probably known or at least encountered someone who is simply unable to accept responsibility when he makes a mistake or to admit when he is wrong.  We have probably all, at some point, known the frustration of dealing with someone who is "always right" and "never wrong."  We may have experienced the futility of trying to reason with someone like this; even when presented with irrefutable evidence to the contrary, the person continues to insist that he is right.  In situations where it is apparent that a mistake has been made (or an offense has been committed), he will blame someone else; it is NEVER his fault.  If backed into a corner, a "never wrong-er" will, for example, insist that his behavior was a justified response to being abused or treated unfairly.  (i.e., Yes, he was wrong, but it wasn't really his fault).  A person like this will not even accept responsibility for his own emotions; he will, for example, insist, "Well he shouldn't have made me angry."

Nobody likes to admit to being wrong.  However, most of us recognize that it sometimes need to be done and we do it, even if we don't want to.  So what makes the people who cannot or will not admit to being wrong different from the rest of us?  Is there away to get them to acknowledge when they are wrong and to admit when they've made a mistake?

I started thinking about this because of my own frustration dealing with someone who insist on always being right.  For me, the worst thing about having a conflict with this person is that since he is "always right" then I always have to be wrong.  I quickly started to resent being blamed for every problem that arises.  Like most people, it's very hard for me to admit when I've done something wrong.  Sometimes it takes a little while for me to recognize that I've made a mistake.  Whenever someone I care about points a finger at me to tell me I'm wrong, however, I always take some time to think about it and to reconsider my actions.  If, after consideration (and sometimes even consultation with someone I trust), I see that I've done something wrong then I admit it.  I apologize and try to identify what I need to do to avoid making the same mistake again.  Ideally, the other person involved in the conflict will also examine his behaviors and will accept responsibility for whatever part he played in the situation.  It is discouraging when this doesn't happen. 

So I wanted to know why it is so difficult for some people to admit they are wrong.  After doing some research, it became clear that different people have different reasons for doing this.  I am going to list a few of these reasons.  However, this list is by no means exhaustive.

I think that most people who always insist on being right do so unconsciously. Denial of wrongdoing is a defense mechanism that kicks in automatically whenever they are accused of doing something wrong.  When you confront them with evidence that they've made a mistake they become defensive (hence the words defense mechanism).  Exactly what is it that they are defending?  They are defending their egos from overwhelming emotional tension and anxiety.  A discussion on the theory of ego defense mechanisms is beyond the scope of this little blog post.  Suffice it to say that people get defensive when asked to admit they are wrong because admitting they are wrong would deal a serious blow to their self-worth and sense of identity.  The person could be a perfectionist who equates making a mistake with being a failure.  The person might have underlying fears of being stupid or worthless; these fears are triggered when hey are accused of being wrong.  Whatever the reason, these people unconsciously view being wrong as a threat to themselves and their identities.

It is sometimes possible to reason with a person like this.  The general rule is to proceed gently and to adopt a non-accusatory tone.  You want to address the problem without attacking the person.  If the person feels like he's being attacked he is going to become defensive and you will get nowhere.  If possible, try to give some positive feedback or point out strengths before bringing up the problem.  If the person's mis-behavior seems to be a reaction to difficult external circumstances then acknowledge these circumstances.  Let him know you understand how difficult the situation is and try to brainstorm better ways to handle it.  If there is a clear way to make amends or end the conflict then let the person know this and offer to help him with whatever needs to be done.  Make sure you choose the right time and place to have the conversation.  Let the person know you want to talk and ask him if it's a good time.  If not, find out when he's available and agree to talk with him then.

What are other reasons people won't admit they are wrong?  Well, some who refuse to fess up when they've done something wrong are motivated by the desire to avoid facing negative consequences.  Maybe the mistake was an honest one or maybe it was an intentional act of wrongdoing; either way, getting caught means suffering undesirable consequences.  How to deal with this really depends on the circumstances.  Some criminals, for example, maintain their innocence even after being convicted of a crime.  Chances are, the less you are able to prove beyond doubt that the person committed an act of wrongdoing/made a mistake/etc. the less likely he is to admit that he did it.  After all, why tell the truth if there's still a chance of getting away with it?  If you have irrefutable evidence then ask yourself this: Do you really need for the person to admit guilt?  The evidence provides sufficient grounds for implementing consequences, even if the person refuses to admit he did anything wrong.

Then there are the manipulators.  These people define right and wrong a bit differently than the rest of us.  For a manipulator, something is right when it benefits him.  Something is wrong when it causes discomfort for him.  In other words, as long as an action benefits him there is nothing wrong with it. It is quite possible that the manipulator intentionally engaged in the act that you consider to be wrong in order to gain something for himself.  You cannot convince the manipulator that his actions were wrong because he simply doesn't see it that way.  If it benefits him then it's not wrong, remember?  The manipulator also has a vested interest in persuading you to accept his alternate version of reality.  His primary motivation is to get whatever he wants; it helps is he can recruit others to assist with this goal (or at least prevent them from interfering).  Manipulators are often quite charming.  A manipulator's endearing nature tends to put people at ease, which makes them more easily persuaded (i.e., manipulated).  You will never get a manipulator to admit he is wrong; do not was time trying.

As I said, this list is far from exhaustive.  If anyone has any other ideas about why people can't or won't admit when they are wrong please feel free to share.

Admitting You're Wrong

I've often wondered why it's so hard for human beings to admit when we're wrong and to accept constructive criticism from others.  I include myself in this.  I've had to work hard to learn to accept criticism without becoming defensive and still I catch myself wanting to explain it away when someone gives me negative feedback.  There's definitely ego involved.  There are times when we become so attached to our desire to be right that we don't even stop to listen to another person's point of view.  When insisting we are right or denying the validity of criticism we do it so vehemently that it almost seems as though we are fighting to protect our very identities.  And I think in some cases that's exactly what we are doing (or at least what we believe we are doing).

Identity is really only a collection of ideas each person has about him or herself.  Included in these ideas are beliefs about ourselves, beliefs about others, values that we believe we should adhere to, expectations we have of ourselves (and others) and our behaviors, etc.  Some people expect themselves not to make mistakes.  To admit to making a mistake is to admit that they aren't living up to their own expectations, i.e., that they are "not good enough."  Other people believe they should never show weakness to others.  They equate being wrong with being weak.  Thus, even if they know they are wrong they'd never admit it because to do so would make them seem weak and vulnerable.

The inability to accept criticism stems from self doubt.  Confident people accept themselves as they are.  They recognize that they have both strengths and limitations.  They accept that they are human.  Thus, when they are wrong they can admit it because they are, after all, only human.

The irony in this is that people who cannot accept constructive criticism are the very people who could benefit the most from it.  Criticism provides a person with important information about his or her personal weaknesses that he or she would probably not otherwise recognize.  This helps a person to identify areas for personal growth, which is, in my opinion, something we should all be striving for.