I realized quite some time ago that I don't handle stress very well. This may seem strange coming from a psychotherapist. Isn't a significant part of my job to teach people how to deal with stress? Yes and no.
Learning to cope with stress effectively is certainly a goal for a lot of my patients. But I think this means different things for different people. For many people, effective coping involves limiting the amount of stress they expose themselves to (at least to whatever degree possible). For example, if I am in the middle of a major life transition it is probably not a good time for me to take on a new project (unless I have to).
Here's another example. Let's say I am someone who likes my home to be clean and tidy at all times. Now suppose my spouse invites a large group of extended family members to spend the week with us. Knowing this in advance, I might spend extra time cleaning up before they arrive and then give myself permission not to worry about trying to keep things tidy until after my guests leave. (Because I can either spend my week trying to clean up after everyone and make myself miserable or I can spend quality time with people I love and enjoy myself).
So because I know I have a low tolerance for stress I do my best to limit the amount of stress in my life at any given time. Historically, this has been a pretty effective strategy. Recently, however, there have been problems. This is due, in part, to the fact that my husband believes I should be able to handle more stress than I do. In making his case, he tells a story about how he used to worry about everything. One day, he realized how miserable this made him. He decided he no longer wanted to be miserable. From that day forward, he resolved to stop letting things bother him. He has been happy ever since. The end.
It's a great story. He makes a good point: excessive worrying does tend to make people miserable. I know this. And honestly, over the years I have learned to let a lot of things go. What I think my husband fails to understand is that his experience of stress and my experience of stress are fundamentally different. By nature, my husband is not easily exciteable. His disposition is cheerful by default. He likes to have fun and makes doing fun things a top priority. When forced to choose between fulfilling some obligation (which can of course always be put off until later) and doing something fun, nine times out of ten he will choose to do something fun.
I, on the other hand, have apparently always been discontent. My parents tell me I suffered from severe colic as an infant. As a result, I cried a lot and was frequently inconsolable. I can remember worrying about all sorts of random things as early as age four. By the age of five, I had developed so many compulsive behaviors that my kindergarten teacher called my parents to express concern. After a visit to a psychologist I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. At the age of five.
So in my view, the cards were stacked against me from the start. I have been dealing with anxiety for literally my entire life. To me, the fact that I've been able to find peace in my life is remarkable. And yet I do have peace. Not all the time. But I do have it, and I am grateful.
On the other hand, maybe it would be good to push myself harder. My husband says I need to spend more time outside of my comfort zone. I'll admit that I've been a little resistant to this. My comfort zone is where I have peace. What if I stray too far and am unable to find my way back? What if I upset the delicate balance I have worked so hard to achieve?
Then again, I believe we should never stop growing as individuals. I have grown a lot over the years but that does not mean I am finished. Who knows what I am missing out on while I stay here in my comfort zone?
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Stress response
It seems like most of the literature on stress management focuses primarily on ways a person can better tolerate stress or on how to relax when stress becomes overwhelming. The implicit assumption is that the presence of multiple external stressors is inevitable. Given its inevitable presence in our lives, we are best served by learning to respond to stress in a healthy and adaptive manner.
I agree that we can all benefit from learning to regulate our response to stress. Many of us react to external stressors in ways that create more stress, thereby exacerbating the problem. A lot of us fail to make time to relax or to engage in activities we enjoy. When we neglect to care for ourselves, our ability to tolerate distress and anxiety decreases. (In other words, we can tolerate higher levels of stress if we take care of ourselves physically and mentally).
What appears to be missing from the literature is an acknowledgement that there are innate differences in how people react to stress (and in how much stress people can tolerate before becoming overwhelmed).
We all know people who perfrom best when under pressure. Among these people are those who seem to have difficulty performing unless they are under pressure. Often, these are the people who procrastinate until the last possible moment. It is not until the deadline looms ominously before them that they are stirred to action. The pressure seems to motivate them like nothing else can; they thrive on it.
Then there are those who fall apart when faced with even the smallest stressor. A slight change of plans can ruin their day. Interruptions in their normal routine create excessive anxiety. These are people who become overwhelmed fairly easily.
These are mostly innate differences, largely attributable to variations in temperament. Those who thrive under pressure can learn to stop putting things off to the last minute. Still, they will probably always have the urge to put things off, even if they push themselves to do otherwise. Those who become anxious at the drop of a hat can learn to cope with stress more effectively. Still, they will probably always experience some degree of anxiety under stress, even after they learn to manage it in healthy ways.
I personally tend to have a strong, negative emotional response to stress. Any kind of stress makes me anxious. When I'm feeling stressed out, I often have trouble concentrating because I can't stop thinking about whatever it is that is stressing me out. I devote a significant amount of emotional energy to feeling anxious and thus become irritable or frustrated with very little provocation. My overall energy level plummets. I've always had this reaction to stress, even as a child.
Over time, I have learned to structure my life so that certain times are designated for carrying out various obligations. This ensures that everything I need to do gets done in a timely manner. It also means I don't have to spend additional time worrying about what needs to be done or about finding time to do it. I've learned to challenge the catastrophic (or otherwise unreasonable) thoughts that have a tendency to arise when I'm feeling stressed out. I have improved my ability to tolerate stress and anxiety so that I can continue to function effectively when these feelings are present.
While I can cope with my negative emotional response to stress [i.e., anxiety], I cannot seem to prevent myself from having the response; it happens automatically. I could get angry at myself for this but that would only make things worse. Instead, I've learned to accept myself as I am. This means accepting my overly-anxious tendencies without judgment. "Ok, so I'm anxious," I tell myself. "I know I'll feel better once I'm not so stressed out. I just need to do the best I can until then."
I agree that we can all benefit from learning to regulate our response to stress. Many of us react to external stressors in ways that create more stress, thereby exacerbating the problem. A lot of us fail to make time to relax or to engage in activities we enjoy. When we neglect to care for ourselves, our ability to tolerate distress and anxiety decreases. (In other words, we can tolerate higher levels of stress if we take care of ourselves physically and mentally).
What appears to be missing from the literature is an acknowledgement that there are innate differences in how people react to stress (and in how much stress people can tolerate before becoming overwhelmed).
We all know people who perfrom best when under pressure. Among these people are those who seem to have difficulty performing unless they are under pressure. Often, these are the people who procrastinate until the last possible moment. It is not until the deadline looms ominously before them that they are stirred to action. The pressure seems to motivate them like nothing else can; they thrive on it.
Then there are those who fall apart when faced with even the smallest stressor. A slight change of plans can ruin their day. Interruptions in their normal routine create excessive anxiety. These are people who become overwhelmed fairly easily.
These are mostly innate differences, largely attributable to variations in temperament. Those who thrive under pressure can learn to stop putting things off to the last minute. Still, they will probably always have the urge to put things off, even if they push themselves to do otherwise. Those who become anxious at the drop of a hat can learn to cope with stress more effectively. Still, they will probably always experience some degree of anxiety under stress, even after they learn to manage it in healthy ways.
I personally tend to have a strong, negative emotional response to stress. Any kind of stress makes me anxious. When I'm feeling stressed out, I often have trouble concentrating because I can't stop thinking about whatever it is that is stressing me out. I devote a significant amount of emotional energy to feeling anxious and thus become irritable or frustrated with very little provocation. My overall energy level plummets. I've always had this reaction to stress, even as a child.
Over time, I have learned to structure my life so that certain times are designated for carrying out various obligations. This ensures that everything I need to do gets done in a timely manner. It also means I don't have to spend additional time worrying about what needs to be done or about finding time to do it. I've learned to challenge the catastrophic (or otherwise unreasonable) thoughts that have a tendency to arise when I'm feeling stressed out. I have improved my ability to tolerate stress and anxiety so that I can continue to function effectively when these feelings are present.
While I can cope with my negative emotional response to stress [i.e., anxiety], I cannot seem to prevent myself from having the response; it happens automatically. I could get angry at myself for this but that would only make things worse. Instead, I've learned to accept myself as I am. This means accepting my overly-anxious tendencies without judgment. "Ok, so I'm anxious," I tell myself. "I know I'll feel better once I'm not so stressed out. I just need to do the best I can until then."
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Breakdown
We seem to be hearing about it a lot these days. Kony 2012 film creator Jason Russell strips naked on a San Diego street corner. He paces, apparently agitated, and begins beating his fists on the sidewalk. A JetBlue pilot exits the cockpit mid-flight and goes into a lengthy rant. He talks about Iraq and Afghanistan and at one point claims there is a bomb on the plane. He then starts banging on the cockpit door and has to be physically subdued by a group of passengers.
These are seemingly "normal" people, probably dealing with the same types of daily stressors we all face. They, like us, are going about the business of living life, with all the ups and downs that come with it...
Until something happens. They have a meltdown. They reach their breaking point; they snap. They crack up, have a nervous breakdown, fall apart, come unglued, etc. None of these are actual diagnoses, but the terms are part of our shared vernacular nonetheless. They all refer to the collapse of mental and emotional strength in the face of overwhelming stress. They all attempt to describe what happens when a person's stress reaches the point at which it overwhelms his ability to cope. This can be due to the accumulation of stress over time; it can also occur in response to a single traumatic event.
So what happens when a person reaches his breaking point? While no two people are the same, I believe it is possible to classify the majority of possible experiences into a few broad categories.
Psychosis: When a person becomes psychotic, his or her sense of reality becomes distorted. He may see or hear things that aren't really there (hallucinations). He may hold firm to beliefs that are inconsistent with what is actually taking place (delusions). His thoughts are often disorganized, making it difficult to think clearly or to make sense of his experiences. This is apparently what happened to Jason Russell.
Suicide: This refers not only to committing suicide but also to attempting or even seriously contemplating it. A person seeks to end his own life when he sees no other way to cope with reality as it exists. He reaches a point where he believes he has no other options.
Inability to function at the level required to complete activities necessary for survival: When a person reaches this point, he may not be able to bring himself to get out of bed in the morning. Instead of going to work or to school (or instead of getting his kids off to school or doing whatever it is he is responsible for doing in the morning), he simply stays in bed. He doesn't bother getting up to eat or to shower. He isolates himself from his friends and family. He lacks the energy and/or motivation to continue participating in life.
Extreme/erratic behaviors: Often the behavior in question is an impulsive one. For example, a person's boss criticizes him. Overwhelmed by a multitude of stressors, he simply snaps. He physically attacks his boss and has to be restrained by several coworkers. The behavior of the aforementioned JetBlue pilot also falls into this category. Sometimes the behavior is slightly less extreme but is completely out of character and not something the person would likely do under "normal" circumstances. For example, I once knew someone who had graduated college a few months earlier and was feeling overwhelmed by the stress of her first "real" job. She was a very responsible and conscientious person by nature. She was scheduled to work one evening but, when the time came, she just could not bring herself to go. Instead, she got in her car and just started driving. She ended up several hundred miles away, in a neighboring state. Her family became worried when her supervisor called to ask why she hadn't come to work. She essentially "ran away" from life, leaving behind everyone and everything.
Could this happen to anybody? Do we all have a breaking point? I've often wondered about this, particularly in the case of psychosis. Is it possible that any one of us could break with reality and become psychotic if faced with overwhelming trauma or stress? I honestly don't know. I am, however, fairly certain that we all have some sort of "breaking point." Naturally, we all vary in our ability to cope with stress; some people are able to tolerate higher levels than others. Still, nobody's ability to cope is unlimited; we all have limits to what we can endure. It is important for us to remember that we cannot allow stress to accumulate unattended and expect to remain unaffected by it. We significantly decrease the likelihood that we will ever reach our "breaking point" by coping with individual stressors as they arise and by making self care a priority.
These are seemingly "normal" people, probably dealing with the same types of daily stressors we all face. They, like us, are going about the business of living life, with all the ups and downs that come with it...
Until something happens. They have a meltdown. They reach their breaking point; they snap. They crack up, have a nervous breakdown, fall apart, come unglued, etc. None of these are actual diagnoses, but the terms are part of our shared vernacular nonetheless. They all refer to the collapse of mental and emotional strength in the face of overwhelming stress. They all attempt to describe what happens when a person's stress reaches the point at which it overwhelms his ability to cope. This can be due to the accumulation of stress over time; it can also occur in response to a single traumatic event.
So what happens when a person reaches his breaking point? While no two people are the same, I believe it is possible to classify the majority of possible experiences into a few broad categories.
Psychosis: When a person becomes psychotic, his or her sense of reality becomes distorted. He may see or hear things that aren't really there (hallucinations). He may hold firm to beliefs that are inconsistent with what is actually taking place (delusions). His thoughts are often disorganized, making it difficult to think clearly or to make sense of his experiences. This is apparently what happened to Jason Russell.
Suicide: This refers not only to committing suicide but also to attempting or even seriously contemplating it. A person seeks to end his own life when he sees no other way to cope with reality as it exists. He reaches a point where he believes he has no other options.
Inability to function at the level required to complete activities necessary for survival: When a person reaches this point, he may not be able to bring himself to get out of bed in the morning. Instead of going to work or to school (or instead of getting his kids off to school or doing whatever it is he is responsible for doing in the morning), he simply stays in bed. He doesn't bother getting up to eat or to shower. He isolates himself from his friends and family. He lacks the energy and/or motivation to continue participating in life.
Extreme/erratic behaviors: Often the behavior in question is an impulsive one. For example, a person's boss criticizes him. Overwhelmed by a multitude of stressors, he simply snaps. He physically attacks his boss and has to be restrained by several coworkers. The behavior of the aforementioned JetBlue pilot also falls into this category. Sometimes the behavior is slightly less extreme but is completely out of character and not something the person would likely do under "normal" circumstances. For example, I once knew someone who had graduated college a few months earlier and was feeling overwhelmed by the stress of her first "real" job. She was a very responsible and conscientious person by nature. She was scheduled to work one evening but, when the time came, she just could not bring herself to go. Instead, she got in her car and just started driving. She ended up several hundred miles away, in a neighboring state. Her family became worried when her supervisor called to ask why she hadn't come to work. She essentially "ran away" from life, leaving behind everyone and everything.
Could this happen to anybody? Do we all have a breaking point? I've often wondered about this, particularly in the case of psychosis. Is it possible that any one of us could break with reality and become psychotic if faced with overwhelming trauma or stress? I honestly don't know. I am, however, fairly certain that we all have some sort of "breaking point." Naturally, we all vary in our ability to cope with stress; some people are able to tolerate higher levels than others. Still, nobody's ability to cope is unlimited; we all have limits to what we can endure. It is important for us to remember that we cannot allow stress to accumulate unattended and expect to remain unaffected by it. We significantly decrease the likelihood that we will ever reach our "breaking point" by coping with individual stressors as they arise and by making self care a priority.
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