Existential Challenges

We hear the term "existential crisis" thrown around in pop psychology fairly often.  According to Urban Dictionary, an existential crisis is a deep, obsessive concern with unanswered questions about the meaning of life and existence.  Existential psychology identifies four "existential challenges."  These "ultimate concerns" are the "givens" of life.  They are the fundamental truths that capture the essence of the human condition.  Our lives are defined by how we respond to these challenges.  A "crisis" occurs when we become overwhelmed by these truths and can no longer cope.

The four "human givens" we must all face are:

1. Death: The curse of human consciousness is an awareness of our eventual death.  We must live while knowing we will die, yet not despair.  We must love others with the knowledge that we will ultimately lose them.  Even long life is a mixed blessing, as we gradually lose everyone who matters most. 

Most of us use denial to cope with the inevitability of death.  We refuse to think about it.  We focus instead on staying healthy and living longer.  As a society, we relegate death to certain places (e.g., hospitals), where we don't have to see it.  Denial becomes less effective as we get older.  At some point, we are forced to confront death, either our own or someone else's. 

2. Meaning:  Most of us are not content to simply exist; we need a purpose in life.  "Why are we here?"  We must each answer this question for ourselves.  Your purpose might be different than mine.  We can choose to spend ourlives however we see fit.  Those who thrive devote their time to things they find meaningful.  They feel fulfilled.  Those who lack purpose find their lives meaningless.  They tend to feel empty and lost.

3. Freedom: We each have the freedom of choice.  We are free to make decisions about our lives and to determine our own paths.  With freedom, however, comes responsibility.  We are responsible for whatever choices we make.  We cannot blame others when we are unhappy.  If we want things to change then we have to change.  Freedom can sometimes feel overwhelming.  It can be tempting to ask others to make decisions for us and to hold them responsible for the outcomes.  This too is a choice - a choice to hand over freedom and to allow others to control our destiny.

4. Isolation: We come into this world alone and that is how we leave it: alone.  We can never completely share an experience with someone else; it is impossible for one person to know exactly how another feels.  And yet, humans are innately social creatures.  We long to connect with others.  Every connection comes with the risk of being abandoned (which is inevitable - see number one).  We are alone and yet we fear being alone.  So we do things that make us feel less alone. 

These four truths really do capture the essence of what it means to be human. 

More than happiness...

I recently read an article on theatlantic.com by Emily Estafani Smith called, "There's More to Life than Being Happy" (http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/01/theres-more-to-life-than-being-happy/266805/).   As a psychotherapist, happiness is definitely a topic of great interest to me.  In fact, most of my patients come to me in pursuit of happiness.  Of course, "happiness" means different things to different people.  For many of my patients, happiness means the absence (or even the lessening) of suffering.  For others, happiness suggests the presence of a particular emotional state (accompanied by whatever else is necessary to achieve that state).

Americans place a great deal of value on individual happiness.  The right of every man to pursue happiness is one of the central tenets upon which the country was founded.  I doubt, however, that this is solely an American phenomenon.  Among the core values of many nations (particular western nations) is the happiness of its citizens.

In some ways, then, Smith's assertion that there are more worthy goals in life than happiness is quite radical.  What other aspiration is worthy of the time and effort we devote to seeking pleasure?

Smith suggests that having a sense of purpose or meaning in life is far more powerful than mere happiness.  According to Smith, our single-minded focus on personal happiness creates a shallow and superficial existence.  There is also evidence to suggest that setting happiness as one's primary aspiration is counter-productive; it actually makes us less happy.

While happiness is characterized by attaining pleasure for oneself, meaning is found in doing things for others.  This explains why the things we find meaningful in life are not necessarily the things we most enjoy doing.

Still, people who say they have a purpose in life tend to report higher levels of overall well being than those who say they lack purpose.  Happiness is dependent upon pleasure.  Could it be that happiness, like pleasure, is fleeting?

In contrast, meaning tends to have a longer-term focus, which could explain its correlation with overall well being.

For me, Smith's article was an apt reminder not to get too consumed by the idea of happiness.  Happiness is, after all, a natural byproduct of living a meaningful life.  As such, it need not be pursued for its own sake.

How do we spend our time?

I recently read an article about making the most of your weekends that really struck a nerve.  We're always complaining that the weekend is too short.  It certainly seems that way!  There never seems to be enough time to do the things we really want to do.  If, however, we are truly honest with ourselves, most of us would have to admit that we don't make the best use of the time we do have.  For example, we don't have to spend Friday night in front of the television.  Sure, we have plenty of legitimate excuses for doing just that -- we're tired from a long work week, we deserve a break from our constant commitments, we need some time to ourselves, etc.  All of these things are probably true and if you feel strongly about your Friday night television time then have it, by all means.  But if you decide to use your time this way, you are not in a position to later lament that you haven't seen your friends in months becaue you "haven't had the time."  Nor can you honestly say that the reason you haven't had a quiet night alone with your significant other in so long is because you're both "extremely busy."  Furthermore, you are being less than truthful when you tell your parents that the reason you haven't come to visit (or called) in so long is because you've been so busy with work and other responsibilities.

I'm as guilty as anyone of making excuses for not getting around to things I claim are important to me.  It's human nature.  Our behavior at a given point in time is strongly influenced by - among other things - how we feel at that particular moment.  That is why, despite our best intentions, so many of us never make it to the gym after work, put off projects until the last possible minute, or knowingly do something we're sure to regret later.  So while spending time with our friends and family is important to us, it is often overshadowed by our emotional impulses.  "I know I should spend some time with so-and-so," we tell ourselves.  "But I'm just so tired.  The only thing I feel like doing right now is sitting here on the couch."

Most of us know that time is a precious (and nonrenewable) resource.  Still, most of us squander our time as if it were of no value at all.  Ilona Boniwell conducted a study on how people use their time.  She discovered that while most people do not see watching television as a meaningful activity, they still spend a significant amount of time doing it, to the tune of about fourteen hours per week.  I imagine we'll begin to see similar studies about how much time we spend online. 

I've often pointed out that no one on their deathbed says, "I wish I'd spent more time at work" or "I wish I'd spent more time watching t.v."  I think about this whenever I'm tempted to turn down an invitation to get together with my friends or family.  Sure, I might be tired, but I can always go to bed early another night.  When I'm at the end of my life looking back, will I say, "I wish I'd gotten more sleep?"  Probably not.