Complaining and Complainers

All of us have probably met at least one chronic complainer. You know the type. He always has something negative to say. He's never satisfied. He's quick to find something he doesn't like in any given situation. He's not very pleasant to be around; he casts a dark cloud wherever he goes. Even the most compassionate of us has a point at which listening to the woes of others becomes emotionally depleting.  Being around the chronic complainer is draining; he leaves us feeling exhausted.  For this reason, we try to avoid him whenever possible. 

Or maybe you've known someone who seems to complain about the same thing over and over again. She never does anything to change or improve the situation in question.  She is quick to reject suggestions or advice.  She seems completely uninterested in solving the problem yet she constantly complains about how unhappy it makes her. You eventually get sick of hearing about it.  Her negativity and hopelessness are contagious.  You become frustrated when your attempts to help are repeatedly rejected.  Talking to her makes you feel bad.  Understandably, you start avoiding her calls.

This kind of complaining has negative social consequences. Nobody wants to be around someone who complains all the time.

And yet complaining is pervasive, despite the negative social consequences. It stands to reason, then, that we must derive some benefit from it. Why else would we be willing to risk social ostracization?

As it turns out, there are actually a lot of good reasons to complain. On the most basic level, complaining allows us to express frustration and to receive validation from a sympathetic other. It enables us to discharge negative emotions, to "vent," or to "blow off steam." It has a cathartic effect. We feel better after complaining. In fact, research suggests that people who rarely complain have higher levels of depression than people who complain regularly.

Complaining also helps to avoid the consequences associated with holding emotions in. We need an outlet for our negative emotions. We have to have some way to express them. They don't simply go away if we choose not to deal with them. Feelings like frustration, anger, and resentment tend to fester. We ruminate on the object of our frustration, which only makes us angrier. These feelings eventually boil over and we lash out at whoever happens to be nearby.

Complaining is essential to maintaining healthy relationships. It is the means by which each person in the relationship expresses dissatisfaction or brings to light existing problems. Once problems are identified they can be addressed and ultimately resolved. This prevents the build up of resentment and other emotions known to be toxic to relationships.

 

So while complaining is beneficial and even healthy, in excess it becomes caustic.  The problem is that most people who cross the threshold from healthy to excessive complaining are not aware of having done so.  We rarely tell someone we are put off by his or her constant complaining; instead, we start trying to avoid him.  I suppose one day the chronic complainer wakes up to find himself isolated and alone with no idea why.  Ironically, this gives him something else to complain about...if he can find someone to listen.

Thanks, I just needed to vent

According to the free dictionary, to "vent" is to give outlet to thoughts or emotions.  Alternatively, it is to unburden oneself of strong, pent up emotions. 

We have probably all had the experience of needing to vent.  We are upset about something and we feel like we might explode if we don't share it with someone.  For most of us, the identity of that someone matters.  We don't just go around venting to anyone who will listen.  Rather, we have a small group of people we feel comfortable venting to.  When we feel overwhelmed, we call one of these people and share our frustration.  By the end of the call, we tend to feel a bit better.  "Thanks for listening," we tell them.  "I just needed to vent."

The experience is so common that we don't really think about it.  Sometimes people need to vent; we vent, we feel better, right?

Actually, the research on venting is pretty clear.  Venting negative emotions leads to an increase in their intensity.  This is especially true when dealing with anger but seems to apply to other negative emotions as well. 

This seems to conflict with what we know from our own experience, right?  Not necessarily.  The literature seems to equate venting with throwing a "temper tantrum."  Personally, I refer to this tantrum-like activity as "bitching."  Others refer to it as whining or chronic complaining.  It implies the chronic, excessive expression of negative thoughts and feelings.  It is expression that serves no purpose; the expression itself is the goal. 

Now this is something I'm familiar with!  I have, on occasion, had patients like this.  In fact, it was my current frustration with just such a patient that led me to write a post about venting.  My colleagues informed me that there is actually a name for this type of patient (or person, if the person purports to be asking for help): help-rejecting complainer.  I know, it seems a bit perjorative.  But if the shoe fits...

Let's go back to venting though.  So that we don't confuse venting with throwing a temper tantrum, let's define it as "verbally expressing negative thoughts and emotions."  When defined this way, can venting be therapeutic?  The answer is yes.  There are a number of circumstances in which verbally expressing negative thoughts or feelings to another person can be helpful. 

When someone "vents" to me, my initial response is the same, whether I'm in the role of therapist, friend, spouse, sister, or daughter: I listen and I validate.  I think that's what most of us want when we express our thouhts and feelings.  We want someone to understand how we feel and we want someone to tell us it's okay for us to feel that way.  For everyday frustrations, this is often enough to make the person venting feel better.

As a therapist, this is a good first step.  Listening empathically and validating a patient's emotions helps to build rapport.  The patient feels understood, validated, valued, and accepted; he or she leaves the first session with positive feelings about the therapist.  Venting in and of itself, however, does not bring about lasting change.  To be truly therapeutic, venting must be used as a catalyst for identifying patterns and gaining insight.  For a patient to make use of venting in therapy, he or she must be willing to accept feedback about the material vented.  The goal is for the patient to begin to consider alternative perspectives or to identify methods for accepting, tolerating, or coping.

All of us can benefit from considering a few things the next time we "need to vent."  Venting is not always helpful and can sometimes cause our negative emotions to intensify.  Do we simply need to be heard and validated?  Do we just want to know that someone understands?  Are you willing to accept feedback?  Are you willing to consider other ways of looking at the situation?  Are you asking for help?  Or do you just want someone to listen?  If the latter is true, let the other person know you just need them to listen.