The Ego and Core Fears

I used to think I was unlovable.  It was one of those core beliefs that impacted my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis, even though it remained just outside of my conscious awareness.  I was full of self doubt and was severely lacking in confidence.  I was extremely sensitive to any perceived sign of rejection.  I frequently felt depressed and I found it difficult to like myself.  One of the reasons I wanted to go into the mental health profession (but certainly not the only reason -- there were many) was to better understand myself.  Actually, maybe that's not entirely accurate.  I think I wanted to figure out what was "wrong" with me so I could "fix" it.  That was my mindset at the age of 18 when I started college.

Anyway, I spent years working to change my belief that I was unlovable.  Today, I am absolutely certain I am lovable.  In fact, I believe that every human being is innately lovable, although many of us erect barriers that make it difficult for others to get close enough to love us.  I discovered over time that being lovable has nothing to do with having another person love me.  To be lovable I had to learn to love myself.  (I know that sounds cliche and trust me, it's easier to say than it was to do).

Last week, I wrote about "core fears."  Core fears are those that threaten our "ego," or our sense of self.  Core fears revolve around losing those things we believe are central to our identities; to lose them (or so we believe) is to lose our very selves.  When someone triggers a core fear our egos feel threatened; whenever the ego feels threatened it immediately acts to defend itself.  You can tell a core fear has been triggered by how upset you become.  Often you will find that the intensity of your emotion is disproportional to the event that triggered it (i.e., you get extremely upset when someone says or does something to you that doesn't seem to be quite as terrible as you are making it out to be).  When a core fear has been triggered we typically react by blaming the other person involved.  It's not that we are simply blaming the other person to avoid accepting responsibility for our own misdeeds; rather, we truly believe that the other person has wronged us.  This, however, is just our ego deceiving us in an effort to protect us from facing whatever fear has been activated. 

Ironically, as I was typing last week's post on my blog (I'd written it earlier that week) my husband and I got into an argument.  We started out with the best of intentions.  We were doing a communication exercise to address something I'd done that upset him.  We reached a point in the exercise where he was prompted to request that I make a specific change in my behavior.  I was expecting him to ask me to stop doing the thing that I'd done that upset him in the first place (and I was prepared to make this change).  Instead, he asked me to change something else entirely.  He thought the behavior he'd asked me to change was the underlying problem.  I thought he was asking me to change something that is fundamental to who I am.  Sense of self threatened; activate ego defenses.

I stormed off and went back to my computer to finish typing my blog post.  Oh the irony; I was writing about the very thing that was happening at that moment.  I told myself to pay attention to the words as I was writing.  I told myself to sit with my feelings, to observe them and to observe the suffering caused by my ego's insistence on blaming my husband.  I told myself a lot of things but I was too upset to take my own advice.

Against my better judgment (which had taken a leave of absence at that point), I tried to talk to my husband.  It wasn't the best idea but in doing so, my core fear was exposed.  "I don't think you love me," I accused him.  "I don't think you care about me at all!"  There it was: my core fear of being unlovable.

Fortunately, we resolved the issue.  In fact, I think seeing my vulnerability exposed softened my husband and allowed him to see the hurt underneath my anger.

I want to end with a message to my core fear.  Here it is:

So we meet again, Ms. "I'm Unlovable."  I thought I was done with you.  Haven't you realized that I don't believe your lies anymore?  I AM LOVABLE!  Why are you still here, lurking in the shadows?  Well you're not in the shadows anymore!  You've shown yourself.  Maybe I was naive to think I'd gotten rid of you completely.  From now on I will be more vigilant.  You will never occupy the place in my life you once held and never again will I allow you to control me.  You caught me off guard once but it won't happen again.  Now I know you're here and I'll be watching your every move.

Core Beliefs

I know I've talked a lot over time about how our subconscious beliefs influence our thoughts, our feelings, and our perception of reality.  Most people aren't aware those beliefs even exist - remember, they are subconscious.  Most of the time there's no real need to uncover them; they serve a valuable purpose (helping our brain to attend to important information and to filter out insignificant information).  However, sometimes these beliefs cause problems, such as low self esteem, anxiety, depression, chronic anger, interpersonal difficulties, etc.  When problems like these emerge in your life it is time for you to take a look at the underlying core beliefs that are driving them.

So how do you know when a problematic core belief is at work?  Look for strong emotional reactions.  Notice times when, for example, you become extremely distressed when a friend forgets that you'd agreed to get together and makes other plans or when you erupt with anger over something trivial.  When your emotional response seems to be more extreme than what the situation would warrant you know that a negative core belief has been triggered.

Here's an example from my own life.  I used to belief I was unlovable.  Now if you met me on the street of course I wouldn't say, "Hi, nice to meet you.  I'm unlovable."  Perhaps it is more accurate to say that I feared that I was unlovable.  A string of bad relationships caused me to worry that maybe something was wrong with me.  Maybe there was something about me that caused the men in my life to treat me badly or to completely disregard my feelings.  Maybe there was something inside me that made me inherently unlovable...

Anyway, this belief (or fear) led to a lot of suffering.  If a romantic interest didn't call me the day after a date I became first extremely anxious and then despondent.  I'd lay in bed sulking, unable to think of anything else.

It's obvious to me now that this was a rather extreme response.  A "natural" response would probably be to feel a little disappointed for a day or two before moving on.  The fact that I reacted so excessively was a sure sign that a negative core belief had been triggered.

When a potential love interest didn't call it triggered my belief that "I'm unlovable."  Subconsciously, I perceived the love interest not calling as evidence that he didn't like me.  This quickly led me to recall other relationships that ended with me feeling rejected.  This brought up fears about whether or not I would EVER find the "right" person.  What if there was no right person for me?  What if no one could ever love me because I was simply unlovable?

I share this example because I strongly believe in practicing what I preach.  I spend a lot of time with my patients identifying their negative core beliefs and talking about how to change them.  The first step in changing negative core beliefs is to recognize when they are at work.  If you can't recognize them then you can't change them.

I know it is possible to change negative core beliefs because I've done it myself.  First I started noticing when my belief had been triggered.  Then I identified and acknowledged how the belief made me feel.  I countered the negative belief with more balanced ones -- "Everyone deserves love, including me," or "You are a lovable person."  I also tried to make a more realistic appraisal of the situation that triggered the negative belief.  Sometimes that meant having to accept that the person was not interested in pursuing a relationship with me.  Sometimes it meant he was at work and just hadn't had a chance to call.  Either way, I realized, his actions said nothing about whether or not I was lovable.