Monday, August 31, 2009

Ego Mindset: Desire

Why is it that when I enjoy spending time with someone my ego begins to crave spending more time with that person and begins to fear not being able to spend time with that person? I am aware of these mindsets in myself: the desire to spend more time with a certain someone and the anxiety that I feel when I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I cannot stop my ego from engaging in these mindsets but I can be aware of them and not behave in accordance with them. I can also feel compassion towards myself, acknowledging that I am only human and so experience very human insecurities.

I have to remind myself when I'm with the person I have feelings for not to get caught up in how warm and secure it makes me feel just being with him. I am trying to be mindful that this feeling is attachment and it leads to clinging. This feeling is NOT love. Love isn't about how secure he makes me feel. Sure, it's a nice feeling in the moment but it leads to me craving more of it and ultimately feeling like I need him in order to experience that security. This will cause me to fear losing him. I look forward to the day when I can experience that warm, secure feeling when I am alone or when I am with a group of friends. That will mean that I am learning to give myself the five A's (attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing) and that I am becoming more capable of giving true, pure love to other people. I cannot stop my ego from producing the feelings I have when I am with the person I care for but I can be aware of the feeling, sit with it mindfully, and recognize it for what it is.

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