Ego Mindset: Desire

Why is it that when I enjoy spending time with someone my ego begins to crave spending more time with that person and begins to fear not being able to spend time with that person? I am aware of these mindsets in myself: the desire to spend more time with a certain someone and the anxiety that I feel when I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I cannot stop my ego from engaging in these mindsets but I can be aware of them and not behave in accordance with them. I can also feel compassion towards myself, acknowledging that I am only human and so experience very human insecurities.

I have to remind myself when I'm with the person I have feelings for not to get caught up in how warm and secure it makes me feel just being with him. I am trying to be mindful that this feeling is attachment and it leads to clinging. This feeling is NOT love. Love isn't about how secure he makes me feel. Sure, it's a nice feeling in the moment but it leads to me craving more of it and ultimately feeling like I need him in order to experience that security. This will cause me to fear losing him. I look forward to the day when I can experience that warm, secure feeling when I am alone or when I am with a group of friends. That will mean that I am learning to give myself the five A's (attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing) and that I am becoming more capable of giving true, pure love to other people. I cannot stop my ego from producing the feelings I have when I am with the person I care for but I can be aware of the feeling, sit with it mindfully, and recognize it for what it is.

I Cry Because

One of the things I've been working on is being mindful when I notice myself engaging in the ego mindset of attachment. (The whole concept of "ego mindset" is beyond the scope of this particular post. For more information, the author David Richo talks about ego mindsets in many of his books. One book in particular, "How to Be an Adult in Relationships," has had a profound impact on my views on the subject). This poem summarizes some of my observations:

I Cry Because:

I cry because I have become accustomed to trying to get other people to meet my needs

And now I'm struggling to fulfill them for myself.

I cry because I'm digging so deeply it hurts

And because my ego is doing what it always does: cling, desire, fear, etc.

I cry now but I know I will not cry forever --

In the end I will learn to give myself everything that I need

And then I will no longer have a reason to cry.

I Saw Sadness

This poem is based on a writing prompt from "Dew's Poem Starters." It's called, "I Saw Sadness."

I saw sadness clearly.

She was long and thin.

She crept silently, slowly,

I saw her mahogany hair,

Got lost in the darkness of her black, black stare,

Her skin melded imperceptibly with the night

And they became as one.

I heard her husky, seductive whisper

And I felt myself gasping for air

As she devoured me.