Saturday, April 10, 2010
Restless
Lately I've felt so restless. What a feeling restlessness is! One might think that of all the unpleasant emotions one could experience restlessness doesn't seem that bad. I would disagree. Restlessness is so disruptive. It breeds discontent. When you're restless it is impossible to enjoy whatever it is you are doing because you are so distracted by wanting it to be over. When you're restless you cannot relax. The word is exactly as it sounds -- you are without rest. There is no peace when you're restless. You are constantly yearning for something more -- something other than what is. I think restlessness is the antithesis of mindfulness. I imagine that the cure for restlessness is acceptance -- acceptance of whatever is in the present moment. I have yet to find reprieve with this solution but I believe I will. I just have to keep trying.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Interpersonal Relationships
Last week I attended a seminar on interpersonal therapy. I'm not going to get into detail about the treatment, but I think the theory underlying the therapy is interesting. The basic premise of the this treatment model is that an episode of depression is always triggered by some kind of interpersonal difficulty. I think this is interesting because it speaks to the importance of our relationships with other people to our happiness. I'd venture to say that we as humans cannot be happy without at least one - usually more - significant interpersonal relationship in our lives. Think about it -- when asked what we value most in life the majority of us will put family or friends somewhere at the top of our list.
Unfortunately, when life gets tough our interpersonal relationships are often the first things we neglect. For example, my job is getting stressful -- when I come home I'm irritable and want to be left alone. My interpersonal relationships suffer. I feel worse. Here's another example. I have increased responsibilities at home - a new baby perhaps, or a family member becomes ill and needs my help. I have very little free time and I don't make it a priority to spend time with loved ones. I become isolated and feel unsupported.
I think it's important to remember that our relationships need to be a priority no matter what is going on in our lives. Our relationships are what give our lives meaning. They enrich our lives and are a primary source of positive emotions. When we neglect our interpersonal relationships we deprive ourselves of the love and support that are vital to helping us successfully navigate through difficult times in our lives.
Unfortunately, when life gets tough our interpersonal relationships are often the first things we neglect. For example, my job is getting stressful -- when I come home I'm irritable and want to be left alone. My interpersonal relationships suffer. I feel worse. Here's another example. I have increased responsibilities at home - a new baby perhaps, or a family member becomes ill and needs my help. I have very little free time and I don't make it a priority to spend time with loved ones. I become isolated and feel unsupported.
I think it's important to remember that our relationships need to be a priority no matter what is going on in our lives. Our relationships are what give our lives meaning. They enrich our lives and are a primary source of positive emotions. When we neglect our interpersonal relationships we deprive ourselves of the love and support that are vital to helping us successfully navigate through difficult times in our lives.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Purpose
Purpose: a result, end, aim, or goal of an action or object
Over the course of human existence mankind has sought to define its purpose. For centuries philosophers have asked and attempted to answer the question, "Why are we here?" Today, there are countless self-help programs devoted to helping one find his or her purpose in life. It seems that people have a need for meaning. We are not content to "just be" -- we have to have a reason.
I'm no exception. For a long time when asked to name my greatest fear I'd reply, "purposelessness." I think it was detrimental to my sense of self-worth to believe that I'm here for no reason. No, it was more comforting to believe I was special, that my life was created to serve some unique function that only I could fulfill.
In fact, I think that's the real drive behind this search for meaning -- we simply cannot bear to think we're not somehow special. (That's not to say that we aren't all special or unique -- I happen to believe that we are). I wonder, though, why there aren't more people who strive not to find purpose but to just be. Maybe that's enough.
Over the course of human existence mankind has sought to define its purpose. For centuries philosophers have asked and attempted to answer the question, "Why are we here?" Today, there are countless self-help programs devoted to helping one find his or her purpose in life. It seems that people have a need for meaning. We are not content to "just be" -- we have to have a reason.
I'm no exception. For a long time when asked to name my greatest fear I'd reply, "purposelessness." I think it was detrimental to my sense of self-worth to believe that I'm here for no reason. No, it was more comforting to believe I was special, that my life was created to serve some unique function that only I could fulfill.
In fact, I think that's the real drive behind this search for meaning -- we simply cannot bear to think we're not somehow special. (That's not to say that we aren't all special or unique -- I happen to believe that we are). I wonder, though, why there aren't more people who strive not to find purpose but to just be. Maybe that's enough.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Why Self Awareness?
It has been said that in order to know others we must first know ourselves. Many people see self-exploration as a pointless endeavor and wade through life clueless about why they do what they do and about how it affects other people. In my field (mental health) it's important for clinicians to have self-awareness because there's always a risk of projecting our own issues onto the people we're trying to help or of our biases interfering with the helping process. So that explains why people in my field should seek self-awareness. But what about other people? Why is it important to understand oneself? After all, it takes a significant amount of time and effort and sometimes it leads to learning things about oneself that are uncomfortable or even painful. Why bother?
1. Becoming aware of your weaknesses helps you to identify areas and opportunities for growth. You can't "fix" something (or improve upon it) if you don't know it's "broken."
2. Knowing your strengths and weaknesses, your emotional triggers, common patterns of behavior, what you value and what you don't, etc. helps you to make better decisions. Knowing these things about yourself helps you to predict how you will respond to a particular course of action. This enables you to make choices based upon what is likely to result in the most favorable outcome for you.
3. Knowing more about how and why you have particular emotional reactions helps you to become more comfortable with your feelings and leads to more emotionally enriching experiences. It's common knowledge that we're more comfortable with what we know and less comfortable with what we don't. (In fact, we often fear the unknown). Knowing about our emotions helps us to become more comfortable with them. It also makes us better able to manage them.
4. Identifying your psychological and emotional needs helps you to identify what motivates you. The more motivated you are the more you are likely to accomplish.
These are only a few of the reasons it's important to know oneself. There may be more to come...
1. Becoming aware of your weaknesses helps you to identify areas and opportunities for growth. You can't "fix" something (or improve upon it) if you don't know it's "broken."
2. Knowing your strengths and weaknesses, your emotional triggers, common patterns of behavior, what you value and what you don't, etc. helps you to make better decisions. Knowing these things about yourself helps you to predict how you will respond to a particular course of action. This enables you to make choices based upon what is likely to result in the most favorable outcome for you.
3. Knowing more about how and why you have particular emotional reactions helps you to become more comfortable with your feelings and leads to more emotionally enriching experiences. It's common knowledge that we're more comfortable with what we know and less comfortable with what we don't. (In fact, we often fear the unknown). Knowing about our emotions helps us to become more comfortable with them. It also makes us better able to manage them.
4. Identifying your psychological and emotional needs helps you to identify what motivates you. The more motivated you are the more you are likely to accomplish.
These are only a few of the reasons it's important to know oneself. There may be more to come...
Friday, March 12, 2010
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
Self-fulfilling prophecies are another example of how what we believe influences how we experience reality. According to wisegeek.com a self-fulfilling prophecy is "a statement that alters actions and therefore comes true." For example, a person who goes to a party thinking, "I'll be miserable. No one will talk to me." might appear to others as standoffish or seem so unpleasant that people at the party are reluctant to approach him. Thus, the person's actions (he was defensive because he believed no one would talk to him) brought about what he predicted would happen - he appeared so unapproachable that no one came over to talk to him.
One common type of self-fulfilling prophecy involves what we tell ourselves about what we need in order to be happy. If we say, "I can't be happy if I'm not wealthy, successful, respected, loved, etc." or "I can't be happy until I have a college degree, get a good job, get married, etc." then it is very likely that we will not be happy until we have or achieve these things. I've known many people who either consciously or subconsciously tell themselves, "I can't be happy alone" or "I can't be happy if I'm not in a relationship." They then feel compelled to seek out a relationship, even if it's with the wrong person, because they believe they need it in order to be happy.
It is worth asking ourselves -- what am I telling myself I need in order to be happy? Are there people who don't have these things who are happy? What's the difference between me and them? Is it what we are telling ourselves? Is it how we think about the situation? Is it the attitude we've adopted? Can we learn to tell ourselves that we already have everything we need in order to be happy?
One common type of self-fulfilling prophecy involves what we tell ourselves about what we need in order to be happy. If we say, "I can't be happy if I'm not wealthy, successful, respected, loved, etc." or "I can't be happy until I have a college degree, get a good job, get married, etc." then it is very likely that we will not be happy until we have or achieve these things. I've known many people who either consciously or subconsciously tell themselves, "I can't be happy alone" or "I can't be happy if I'm not in a relationship." They then feel compelled to seek out a relationship, even if it's with the wrong person, because they believe they need it in order to be happy.
It is worth asking ourselves -- what am I telling myself I need in order to be happy? Are there people who don't have these things who are happy? What's the difference between me and them? Is it what we are telling ourselves? Is it how we think about the situation? Is it the attitude we've adopted? Can we learn to tell ourselves that we already have everything we need in order to be happy?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Beliefs
There is an objective reality out there in the world but none of us have direct contact with it. For any given event each person involved will experience it in his or her unique way. The fact that there are "two sides [or more] to every story" speaks to this fact. Each "side" of a story represents the teller's own version of reality.
So what determines how we experience reality? While there are undoubtedly a number of factors that influence our perceptions chief among these are our beliefs. It shouldn't come as a surprise that our beliefs shape how we perceive and experience things. Here's an example. Imagine two individuals from similar economic and cultural backgrounds. These two people are co-managers for a division in a well performing and well known company. They make the same amount of money. They essentially do the same job. They are both competent and efficient managers. One of these individuals considers himself to be successful and is proud of what he has achieved in life. The other considers himself to be a failure and downplays the significance of his accomplishments. Two people, similar situations, completely different perceptions of reality.
Our basic beliefs -- those that govern how we view ourselves, others, and the world -- are based on our early life experiences. For example, if we're raised in a nurturing home and are given adequate love and affection we learn, "I am a worthwhile person. I am loveable. I deserve to be loved." If we are raised in a household that discourage emotional expression (by, for example, punishing or reprimanding a child for crying or for becoming angry) we learn, "My feelings aren't important" or "Showing emotion is a sign of weakness."
These beliefs then serve as filters. Our brains aren't able to take in all of the information they encounter on a gvien day. They would quickly become overwhelmed if they tried to do so. Instead, our brains use our beliefs to tell us which information is important and which can be ignored or filtered out. Thus, a person with the belief, "I am a failure" would be likely to attach a very high degree of importance to any mistakes he makes but would hardly notice when he does something well.
I'm not one for long, drawn out blog posts so I'll wrap it up. What we beleive determines to a large degree what we experience. These beleifs often act on a subconscious level, just below our awareness. When we find ourselves experiencing chronic negative emotions it might be time to examine our beliefs and determine if they are accurate and/or if they are working for us. If not, it might be time to change them. We choose what we believe. Changing beliefs takes time but it can be done.
So what determines how we experience reality? While there are undoubtedly a number of factors that influence our perceptions chief among these are our beliefs. It shouldn't come as a surprise that our beliefs shape how we perceive and experience things. Here's an example. Imagine two individuals from similar economic and cultural backgrounds. These two people are co-managers for a division in a well performing and well known company. They make the same amount of money. They essentially do the same job. They are both competent and efficient managers. One of these individuals considers himself to be successful and is proud of what he has achieved in life. The other considers himself to be a failure and downplays the significance of his accomplishments. Two people, similar situations, completely different perceptions of reality.
Our basic beliefs -- those that govern how we view ourselves, others, and the world -- are based on our early life experiences. For example, if we're raised in a nurturing home and are given adequate love and affection we learn, "I am a worthwhile person. I am loveable. I deserve to be loved." If we are raised in a household that discourage emotional expression (by, for example, punishing or reprimanding a child for crying or for becoming angry) we learn, "My feelings aren't important" or "Showing emotion is a sign of weakness."
These beliefs then serve as filters. Our brains aren't able to take in all of the information they encounter on a gvien day. They would quickly become overwhelmed if they tried to do so. Instead, our brains use our beliefs to tell us which information is important and which can be ignored or filtered out. Thus, a person with the belief, "I am a failure" would be likely to attach a very high degree of importance to any mistakes he makes but would hardly notice when he does something well.
I'm not one for long, drawn out blog posts so I'll wrap it up. What we beleive determines to a large degree what we experience. These beleifs often act on a subconscious level, just below our awareness. When we find ourselves experiencing chronic negative emotions it might be time to examine our beliefs and determine if they are accurate and/or if they are working for us. If not, it might be time to change them. We choose what we believe. Changing beliefs takes time but it can be done.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Goals and Achievement
Ours is an achievement oriented society. We're expected to have goals and to work hard and persevere to achieve them. We are always looking ahead to what we hope to accomplish. Granted, having goals is very motivating. When a person is working towards something it helps to keep him focused and gives him reason to push harder. When things get tough the desired goal shines before us like a beacon, beckoning us forward; this keeps us going.
But what if you don't really have a goal? After I graduated from high school I had a lot of goals. I wanted to earn my Master's degree in five years, I wanted to work for two years and get licensed in my field, I wanted to find a satisfying and well paying career, and I wanted to buy a home. I was very motivated and I worked hard. At 23, 5 years after I started, I earned my Master's degree. At 25 I bought a home. At 26, maybe 6 months later than I'd planned, I got licensed in my field. Six months after that I found a satisfying and well paying job.
So now what?
For the past two years that's the question that's been haunting me. I've looked for new goals -- maybe I could go back to school! I even applied and was accepted to a doctorate program. Then I realized I'd have to move away from the people I love and give up the home I'd recently bought in order to do it. And I decided it wasn't worth it.
So now I'm wondering - Why do I need a goal? I worked hard to achieve what I've achieved; can't I just sit back and enjoy it? Can't I just say, "I'm where I want to be" and be done with it?
Personally I'm okay with that, but I feel like I'm expected to want more or to do more. Maybe that's just a projection; maybe I really expect myself to want more or to do more.
These are just some thoughts I have. I don't have the answers to my questions but I wonder what others think. Is it enough to just be where you are? Or should one aspire to be and do more?
But what if you don't really have a goal? After I graduated from high school I had a lot of goals. I wanted to earn my Master's degree in five years, I wanted to work for two years and get licensed in my field, I wanted to find a satisfying and well paying career, and I wanted to buy a home. I was very motivated and I worked hard. At 23, 5 years after I started, I earned my Master's degree. At 25 I bought a home. At 26, maybe 6 months later than I'd planned, I got licensed in my field. Six months after that I found a satisfying and well paying job.
So now what?
For the past two years that's the question that's been haunting me. I've looked for new goals -- maybe I could go back to school! I even applied and was accepted to a doctorate program. Then I realized I'd have to move away from the people I love and give up the home I'd recently bought in order to do it. And I decided it wasn't worth it.
So now I'm wondering - Why do I need a goal? I worked hard to achieve what I've achieved; can't I just sit back and enjoy it? Can't I just say, "I'm where I want to be" and be done with it?
Personally I'm okay with that, but I feel like I'm expected to want more or to do more. Maybe that's just a projection; maybe I really expect myself to want more or to do more.
These are just some thoughts I have. I don't have the answers to my questions but I wonder what others think. Is it enough to just be where you are? Or should one aspire to be and do more?
Friday, February 19, 2010
Snow and Global Warming
This post's topic is a bit different from what I normally write about but I didn't see that as a good enough reason not to write about it...
As most of us are aware, the eastern part of the country has gotten an unusual and exceptional amount of snowfall over the past month or so. On several occasions I've heard people comment on this with snide remarks such as, "Where's your global warming now?" or "So much for global warming!" Now I'm no expert on climate change but these comments and this logic (i.e., If it's snowing a lot in some places then global warming must not be happening) seem very simplistic. Are there really that many people out there who are ready to accept that the fact that it's snowing heavily in some places proves without a doubt that our planet is not getting warmer? This logic also typically only goes one way. You rarely if ever hear the same individuals commenting during a summer heat wave that, "This really proves that global warming theory."
I decided to look into it. It took all of five minutes for me to find a reasonable explanation for how an overall increase in planetary temperature could lead to higher levels of snowfall in some places. The idea is this: warm air collects moisture much more easily than cold air does. Increased global temperatures = increased warm air = increased moisture in the air. When air with a lot of moisture hits a patch of cold (below freezing) air the moisture is released in the form of snow. The more moisture in this air the more snow you get.
I'm not trying to prove or disprove global warming. My issue is with the simplistic and uninformed comments that are made about global warming. When a person has a belief it is natural for him or her to look for information that is consistent with that belief. However, it is frustrating when people attend only to information that is consistent with their beliefs (no matter how inaccurate or circumstantial it is) and completely ignore evidence that is not consistent with their beliefs. I just wish people would be a little more open minded.
As most of us are aware, the eastern part of the country has gotten an unusual and exceptional amount of snowfall over the past month or so. On several occasions I've heard people comment on this with snide remarks such as, "Where's your global warming now?" or "So much for global warming!" Now I'm no expert on climate change but these comments and this logic (i.e., If it's snowing a lot in some places then global warming must not be happening) seem very simplistic. Are there really that many people out there who are ready to accept that the fact that it's snowing heavily in some places proves without a doubt that our planet is not getting warmer? This logic also typically only goes one way. You rarely if ever hear the same individuals commenting during a summer heat wave that, "This really proves that global warming theory."
I decided to look into it. It took all of five minutes for me to find a reasonable explanation for how an overall increase in planetary temperature could lead to higher levels of snowfall in some places. The idea is this: warm air collects moisture much more easily than cold air does. Increased global temperatures = increased warm air = increased moisture in the air. When air with a lot of moisture hits a patch of cold (below freezing) air the moisture is released in the form of snow. The more moisture in this air the more snow you get.
I'm not trying to prove or disprove global warming. My issue is with the simplistic and uninformed comments that are made about global warming. When a person has a belief it is natural for him or her to look for information that is consistent with that belief. However, it is frustrating when people attend only to information that is consistent with their beliefs (no matter how inaccurate or circumstantial it is) and completely ignore evidence that is not consistent with their beliefs. I just wish people would be a little more open minded.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Boredom
Have you ever had a day off and struggled to find things to fill it? I recently read the results of a study that suggested that boredom could be a risk factor for premature death.
Personally, I tend to become extremely interested in an activity for a while and to really immerse myself in it. Then, my interest wanes and I go back to complaining that I have nothing to do. That's not really living, is it?
I'm off of work for the President's Day holiday today. I worked out this morning and spent a couple of hours this afternoon shopping with my sisters for a surprise birthday party we're planning for my mother. I returned home around 2:30 pm and stared at my computer screen blankly for some time, wondering what I should do with the rest of my afternoon. I thought about taking a nap -- oh, how I love naps -- but thought that would be a dreadful waste of time, especially since I wasn't tired. I realized I hadn't practiced drawing in a while, something I've never been good at but one of the things I was briefly passionate about before my interest waned. So I found my art pencils, pulled out an art book that has been used only to decorate my coffee table for the past year, and drew for a while.
The point to this little story? Well, I wonder if anyone else has ever had time on their hands and found that they were completely bored and unable to find a way to entertain themselves. The thing is, it doesn't matter what you do to entertain yourself. It just matters that you DO SOMETHING! If you do nothing or if you sit around waiting for something to happen you must ask yourself -- am I really living life?
Personally, I tend to become extremely interested in an activity for a while and to really immerse myself in it. Then, my interest wanes and I go back to complaining that I have nothing to do. That's not really living, is it?
I'm off of work for the President's Day holiday today. I worked out this morning and spent a couple of hours this afternoon shopping with my sisters for a surprise birthday party we're planning for my mother. I returned home around 2:30 pm and stared at my computer screen blankly for some time, wondering what I should do with the rest of my afternoon. I thought about taking a nap -- oh, how I love naps -- but thought that would be a dreadful waste of time, especially since I wasn't tired. I realized I hadn't practiced drawing in a while, something I've never been good at but one of the things I was briefly passionate about before my interest waned. So I found my art pencils, pulled out an art book that has been used only to decorate my coffee table for the past year, and drew for a while.
The point to this little story? Well, I wonder if anyone else has ever had time on their hands and found that they were completely bored and unable to find a way to entertain themselves. The thing is, it doesn't matter what you do to entertain yourself. It just matters that you DO SOMETHING! If you do nothing or if you sit around waiting for something to happen you must ask yourself -- am I really living life?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Radical Acceptance
Today I found an article I'd printed out quite some time ago from dbtselfhelp.com. This is a great website, by the way, for anyone having trouble coping with and/or regulating their emotions. The article talked about how people deal with painful problems in life and proposed that there are four possible responses. The four responses to painful problems include:
1. Solve the problem -- if it is something over which you have control
2. Stay miserable -- by refusing to accept the situation for what it is and internally willing it to be different
3. Accept it -- accept reality for what it is and accept that life can be worth living even with painful events in it
and
4. Change how you feel about it -- I think this goes along with #3. First you accept a situation and then you work on changing how you feel about it.
The article points out that accepting a situation does not mean that you agree with it or that you like it. Accepting it also does not mean that you don't work to change it. Rather, a person must accept reality for what it is before he or she can change it. After all, if you deny something exists how can you change it?
1. Solve the problem -- if it is something over which you have control
2. Stay miserable -- by refusing to accept the situation for what it is and internally willing it to be different
3. Accept it -- accept reality for what it is and accept that life can be worth living even with painful events in it
and
4. Change how you feel about it -- I think this goes along with #3. First you accept a situation and then you work on changing how you feel about it.
The article points out that accepting a situation does not mean that you agree with it or that you like it. Accepting it also does not mean that you don't work to change it. Rather, a person must accept reality for what it is before he or she can change it. After all, if you deny something exists how can you change it?
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