Forgiveness

I recently attended a training with several of my coworkers. I thought the speaker (Robert Grant, Ph.D.) was unique and really enjoyed hearing what he had to say.  I was surprised to learn that not all of my colleagues felt this way.  In fact, some of them were deeply disturbed by the speaker's message.  I heard that one woman in particular was so upset that she didn't want to return for the second day of training.  I honestly don't know what upset them so much -- I heard all this "through the grapevine" and didn't feel comfortable asking them.  I do, however, have a guess...

One of the topics the speaker addressed was how to forgive someone who has done something very bad to you.  He stressed that this is not always desirable or appropriate but indicated that some patients will want to forgive their perpetrators and we should be prepared to help them (when our clinical judgment says this is a good idea, of course).

The speaker explained that when we are de-humanized by a person we in turn tend to de-humanize that person in our minds.  The person who violated us is a monster, something other than human.  When embarking upon the path to forgiveness (forgiveness is a process, not a single event) the goal is for the "victim" to learn to see the perpetrator as human.  In order to do that a person has to acknowledge that he (and, in fact, all humans) is capable of the same type of behavior in which his perpetrator engaged.  Perhaps if his lot in life had been different - if he'd had different genetic vulnerabilities or the "right" combination of traumatic experiences - perhaps he could have turned out like the perpetrator.  A person might surmise that in order for his offender to have done such horrible things he must have experienced a lot of pain, suffering, and maltreatment in his own life.  This does not in any way condone the perpetrator's actions - it just enables one to see him as human.

This might not seem to be all that controversial of a concept.  What happened, however, is that the speaker gave some examples.  He attempted to empathize with (and to thereby humanize) a hypothetical sex offender.  The murmurs of protest from the crowd were immediate.  The speaker reiterated that he was not condoning the behavior of sex offenders and was not saying that a sex offender should not be punished.  Still, the crowd was displeased.

Personally, I thought this was a demonstration of how difficult it is to forgive someone who has done terrible things.  If a room full of chaplains, psychiatrists, and psychiatric social workers are resistant to empathizing with a hypothetical sex offender then forgiveness must be a difficult thing indeed.  This experience made me realize that we should never take forgiveness for granted for, when offered, it is truly a blessing.

What are you seeking?

Whenever I'm having a slow day at work I try to spend the time reading about things I can use to enhance my skills as a therapist.  Last week I attended a training on the spiritual and existential impact of trauma.  The speaker mentioned Victor Frankl (among other people) and his contributions to existential psychology.  I'd previously read some of Frankl's work and was interested in his ideas.  I found myself with a bit of free time the other day when a patient cancelled at the last minute and decided to do a little delving into Frankl's teachings.

I stumbled upon an e-book published by the Maritime Institute of Logotherapy (http://www.maritimelogotherapy.org/) in Nova Scotia entitled "Life with Meaning."  I thought I'd share one of the ideas that really stood out for me.  Here goes...

How many people do you suppose spend their lives in the pursuit of happiness?  As an American, I need only to look at my country's Declaration of Independence to be assured of my inaleinable right to seek or create happiness for myself.  The human desire to be happy is certainly understandable but, according to Frankl, it is misguided.  Happiness, Frankl asserts, is not a goal that can be achieved; those who perceive it as such are likely to be disappointed, again and again.

I think many of us can relate to this.  We believe that graduating from college, getting a good job, making a lot of money, getting married, travelling the world, etc. will make us happy.  At the moment we attain what we have desired we do, in fact, feel "happy."  But the feeling is short-lived; once the novelty wears off we realize that nothing has changed.  Perhaps we identify something else that we believe will make us happy and go after it.  This will ultimately lead to more disappointment.  Still, many of us will perpetuate this cycle -- pursuing goal after goal in the hopes that, once attained, they will bring us happiness -- indefinitely.  It is, after all, our inaleinable right to do so.

Frankl, however, asserts a truth that is profound in its simplicity:

"...Happiness can not be directly attained, it can not be pursued.  Rather, it must ensue as the consequence of having experienced, or accomplished something meaningful, or having met one's fate with a courageous attitude" ("Life with Meaning," pg. 23). 

In other words, happiness is a natural byproduct of living a meaningful life.  Instead of searching for happiness, our time would be better spent doing things that we find meaningful, for this is what brings true, lasting happiness in life. 

How do you help someone who doesn't believe he/she deserves self-compassion?

I wrote recently about self-compassion, which is also sometimes referred to as self empathy.  Someone asked me what techniques a person might use to help someone develop self compassion when that person is particularly sutck in his negative way of thinking or when she truly believes that she does not deserve to be treated kindly.  I've given some thought to this and wanted to share my ideas.

Most depressed people enter therapy because they want to feel better.  Thus, they would likely agree that "treating myself kindly" and "believing that I am worthwhile" are valid treatment goals.  Trying to convince the person that she deserves to be treated kindly is probably futile.  If he were that easily convinced he wouldn't need therapy.  So how do you convince this person to start being kind to herself when she doesn't believe that she deserves it?

One way is a cognitive behavioral technique called "acting as-if."  You explain to the person that it's not particularly important whether or not he believes he deserves to be treated kindly.  (To really drive this point home ask if he's ever been polite to someone he really didn't like.  Most people have.  Point out that he didn't believe that the person in question deserved kind treatment and yet he managed to be polite to him anyway.  The way you treat someone - including yourself - does not necessarily depend upon how you feel about that person).  You explain to the person that in order to reach the goal of "believing I am worthwhile" she has to start by pretending she already believes it.  You work with her to identify specific ways a person with a strong sense of self-worth might behave (to include self talk).  You ask the person to practice doing these things.  You can frame it as an experiment -- try it and see what happens.  It certaintly can't hurt anything.  What the person will likely discover is that simply by being kind to herself she feels better and starts to believe in herself more.

The other possibility depends upon use of the therapeutic relationship.  If a therapist has a strong rapport with a client the therapist can use this to help the client make progress.  Because the client trusts the therapist he might be willing to try a particular therapeutic technique simply because the therapist expresses a strong belief that it will be helpful.  Essentially, you ask the client to borrow your hope or your belief, to take a "leap of faith" and try something you believe will be helpful, even if he doesn't believe it himself.

No one technique works for everyone but it never hurts to try.  It is also important as a therapist to keep in mind that, despite your best efforts, no one can help everyone.

Personal Congruence

Congruence refers to "a state of agreeing."  It denotes harmony and alludes to balance and equilibrium.  A lack of congruence creates discord, tension, and oppostion.

Personal congruence refers to a state in which a person's values and beliefs are consistent with the way he or she lives his or her life.  A person achieves personal congruence when what goes on in his internal world is consistent with what he says and does in his external one.  Dieter Pauwels (lifecoaching.dieterpauwels.com)  explains that, "On a deeper level, personal congruency exists when your true desires (intention), your thoughts (attention), feelings, and actions are aligned with your core values."

Why does this matter?  The reason is inherent in the definition of the term congruence.  Personal congruence leads to internal harmony.  It enables a person to be at peace with himself and therefore to experience true joy in life.  Without it, a person is left feeling conflicted, confused, and unfulfilled.

How do you cultivate personal congruence?  There are a number of ways to do so and I won't attempt to create an exhaustive list.  It seems to me, though, that if you want the way you live to be congruent with your values and beliefs then the logical first step would be to identify what you value most in life.  After all, you cannot live in accordance with your values if you are not sure what those values are.

So go ahead -- make a list of your top ten values.  Then narrow it down to your top five.  For those who need it, here is a list of common values to get you thinking:

Family relationships; friendships; career; money; education; fun/leisure time; spirituality/religion; community interaction; politics; physical health; change/variety/excitement; creativity; helping others; intellectual stimulation/knowledge; independence; belonging; public recognition; etc.

Once you've identified your top five values think about what you do on a regular basis that exemplifies each one.  For example, if you value physical health you might write, "I exercise four days per week."  If you value family you might put, "I call Mom three times a week" or "I visit my sister weekly."

When and/or if you come to a value for which you are unable to identify an accompanying action that exemplifies it you have identified an area in your life that needs work.  Identify one thing you can do (preferably on a regular basis) to exemplify this value and develop a plan for doing it.  Start small if you need to -- maybe exercise once or twice a week to start, for example -- and then work your way to where you want to be.

I hope this is helpful...

Self Compassion

In working with unhappy people I've noticed something that many of them have in common - they almost universally treat themselves unkindly.  When they make a mistake they berate themselves severely and attribute their error to the fact that, as people, they are utter failures.  They "encourage" themselves to work harder by constantly reminding themselves that they are not good enough.  They blame themselves when something goes wrong, even when there is no possible way they could have caused it.  Given their incessant self abuse the fact that they are unhappy is really no surprise.

What does surprise me -- again and again, no matter how many times I see it -- is how attached to this way of thinking some people are.  With most people, I need only to point out that the way they treat themselves is a significant part of the problem and that it has to change if they ever want to be happy.  The desire to move beyond the cloud of depression and self doubt is usually enough to motivate people to begin to make changes.

Then there are those I encounter less frequently, who cling rigidly to their ways of thinking even after it becomes clear that they are hurting themselves.  This stubborn attachment speaks to how deeply entrenched their depression has become.  It is not enough to teach them how to treat themselves better because they do not believe they deserve better treatment.  I have to be more creative, to work harder, to think differently if I have any hope of helping them learn to be happy...

My intention when I began writing was to stress the importance of self-compassion.  For those who easily make the shift from treating themselves unkindly to practicing self compassion as well as for those who need to be convinced that they are worthy of such treatment -- learning to be compassionate towards oneself facilitates self love.  When we love ourselves we are able to love others more fully and without expectations that they will fulfill for us our unmet emotional needs.  When we love ourselves we are able to love others as they are and for who they are.  We don't need them to change to accommodate us.  When we love ourselves we can love others unconditionally, without needing anything from them in return.

Thoughts on Thinking

I seem to go through alternating periods during which I think a lot and feel very creative followed by periods of time during which I do very little in the way of deep or creative thinking.  It seems like I am most creative when I am dissatisfied with my life.  I suppose that makes sense -- malcontendedness spurs me to change-focused action.  This typically involves a great deal of thinking.  First I have to identify the exact nature of the problem.  Then I have to come up with satisfactory solutions.  Once I've decided on a solution I have to come up with an action plan.  So I guess it makes sense that I do a lot of below the surface pondering when I'm unhappy.

Then there's the rest of the time.  It seems strange to me that I don't feel compelled to analyisis or introspection when I'm content.  One would think that this is the time when I have the most energy to put towards that purpose.  But it's also the time when I have the least motivation.  I'm happy with the way things are and simply want to enjoy them.

Then there's stress, which seems to paralyze me like nothing else can.  I think that's where I am now.  That is why I'm blogging about thinking - I'm so stressed I really CAN'T think right now!  But this too shall pass, as everything always does.  Until then, I hope everyone will bear with me!

Mindfulness While Stressed

I recently got a stark reminder of how easy it is to give in to emotion and act without thinking when you're under a lot of stress.  I'm in the middle of planning a wedding, one I said I wanted to be small and simple.  Unfortunately, I'm learning that small and simple is practically impossible unless you elope.  I'm not one who particularly cares what type of flowers we have, what the bridesmaids wear, or what food we serve at the reception.  However, these are all things that have to be decided and I feel so overwhelmed by all the work that has to be done.  My family has been extremely helpful and I am eternally grateful.  Still, I've been letting the pressure stress me out and I've found myself reacting without thinking and thinking without thinking about what I'm thinking - the exact opposite of mindfulness.

Case in point - last week we - my mom, two sisters, my fiance', and I -  met with the flower-and-cake lady.  I wasn't feeling well and just wanted to hurry up and get it over with.  My older sister was trying to explain something to me and I snapped at her.  She didn't say anything but later my mom told me I'd hurt her feelings.  I apologized to her but I still felt really bad.  Here everyone is going out of their way to help me and I acted in a manner that was completely thoughtless and ungrateful.

Maybe something good came out of it though.  It reminded me of the need to be mindful.  To simply accept the stress as it comes without getting caught up in it.  I know I'll have to remind myself to do this again and again but that's ok - it's all part of being mindful.

After Achievement

Sometimes the natural progression of life scares me.  You look back on how things used to be and compare them to the way things are now and find that everything is different...

I am a person who started out with a lot of goals in life.  We all know that goals provide motivation and oftentimes help to create a sense of purpose.  Without goals, we often feel like we're wandering aimlessly without any direction.  What I've noticed, however, is that sometimes achieving a goal can cause problems.  For one thing, a lot of us see the accomplishment of a long-desired goal as a turning point in our lives.  We think that things will be different (i.e., better) after we, for example, finish school, get married, or get a promotion.  Once we reach these goals, however, we become disappointed when they do not bring about the drastic changes in our lives that we thought they would. 

Also, there are times when achieving a goal leaves you feeling strangely empty after the initial excitement wears off.  The goal that was providing you with a sense of direction and around which you organized your life is gone, leaving a vast and empty space behind.  For a time you feel lost and your life lacks structure.  I know I struggled with this for quite some time.  After college the goals I set for myself were more abstract (e.g., "Be good at my job," "Maintain close relationships with my family," etc.).  While they provide me with a template for how to live my life they don't offer a clear course of action the way my previous goals did (e.g., "Earn a bachelor's degree, then earn a master's degree, etc.).  That's when I started working on learning to just be satisfied with the way things are.

Bad Day?

I got up this morning, took a bath, got dressed, and poured myself a bowl of cereal.  I sat down and proceeded to dump half the bowl in my lap and on the floor.  Annoyed, I set the bowl down and ran to the bathroom where I tried to towel dry my pants.  I quickly realized that there was too much milk on them and they were going to have to be washed.  I pulled them off, sprayed them with stain remover, and dumped them in the washing machine.  I pulled another pair of pants out of the closet and turned on the iron.  As I quickly ironed the wrinkles out of the pants I thought to myself, "Well, I can see how this day is going to be already." 

If I'd accepted my thought as truth it could have been a self fuilfilling prophecy.  I would've left the house in a terrible mood, convinced that the day was shot.  Instead, I said to myself, "Wait a minute.  Am I really going to let this ruin my day?"  I thought about how ridiculous that would be, to literally "cry over spilt milk."  The morning's mishap hadn't been an omen fortelling the awful day that lay ahead.  It had been an accident, plain and simple. 

I thought this was a good example of how what we tell ourselves influences how we feel.  I continued to be annoyed as I ate my then-soggy cereal.  I was even a bit annoyed when I left the house.  By the time I got to work, however, I was feeling ok and I believe that the rest of the day is just going to get better from here on out.

Dreams

One of the things most people associate with therapy is having your dreams analyzed.  The father of psychiatry - Freud - did indeed encourage people to share their dreams during therapy sessions and was able to assist in interpreting them.  I do not know if they still teach aspiring psychiatrists how to interpret dreams in school but I know that it was not so much as mentioned in my clinicial social work curriculum.  In recent years I've felt very disappointed by this.  Patients often share with me dreams that they find strange or believe might be meaningful.  My response is typically something along the lines of, "Hmm.  That's interesting.  I wonder what it means."  In other words, I don't know anything more about the "meaning" of the patient's dream than he or she does. 

I went to the web hoping to find some tips on dream interpretation -- something simple that could help me in my practice but that wouldn't require me to enroll in some special training program.  I found some useful tidbits on the following website: www.guidetopsychology.com/dreams.htm.  I used the tips provided in a recent session and was able to help the patient make some connections between his dream and the circumstances in his life.  I thought I'd share these tips for anyone who might be interested, either to help them better understand their own dreams or to help others understand theirs. 

1. Create a written account of the dream in as much detail as you can recall.  (I've read that it's best to write your dreams down as soon as possible after waking up -- that's when you are most likely to remember them).

2. Ask: "When you think of this particular dream image, what other things come to mind?"  For example, when you think about the dream what are your feelings?  What are your thoughts? 

3. Examine your emotional reactions to the dream.  Think about times in your past when you have felt these same emotions.  Ask how those situations from the past relate to what is happening in your life right now.